VENDETTA [LAMS]

Chapter 7 [Straight As A 🌈]

John's POV

"I know." I said. I'm gay. I'm scared of admitting that. I didn't want to. It felt so oddly safe when I told Alex. I leaned in for another kiss and he pulled away sitting on the couch. I frown a bit not feeling his lips. I sat down and waited for him to talk, I didn't know what to say. I just admitted that I'm gay.

"You need to tell everyone." He said. I looked at him horrified, "No."

"By everyone I meant, Hercules and Lafayette plus the 'Peggy' girl you sang with." He said. I shook my head. I can't do that. I won't do that. "Alexander, please keep this between us." He shook his head and asked, "Why?"

"My dad won't accept this..." I trailed off. He looked at me urging me to continue I sighed, "It's a long story okay? I promise I'll tell you when I'm ready." He intertwined his fingers with mine. I blushed. I'm not used being the nervous type in the relationship. Wait. What are we even? I shook my head mentally at those negative thoughs about dad, mom and my sibling Martha.

Martha.

Hearing that name gives me slight shivers down my spine, "Alex?"

"Yes?"

"Can we take this slow? I need to get everything straighten out and fixed, please?" I asked. He pulled me close to a hug. In his arms I felt at peace, home, accepted and happy. I wrapped my arms around him too. "You said let's take this slow..." He laughed a bit.

"I feel confused." I said.

"I understand, I... can wait?" Alexander said unsurely. He's confused too. Well, everything was happening so fast. The dare. The kiss. This talk. My past and his past. We wanted to take it slow and get to know eachother. I guess that's only me. "Alexander?"

"Yes John?"

"Can we talk?" I asked. He nodded, ah, he seems to understand. I breathed in and out, "I have a feeling you're confused about me dating girls if I'm gay." He squeezed my hand for reassurance. I took it as: 'It's alright John, I'm here.'

"I wanted to be straight. I wanted to show I'm straight. I didn't want to be gay. I'm not— I'm gay. I just am. I can't stop it. It's like a sin. Everytime when I said 'I'm straight' it felt like I was trap inside my own body. I didn't know what to do. I find myself having the solution to maybe I could make myself straight was dating girls. Yet, I enjoyed hurting them. I enjoyed hurting them emotionally—" He was shocked now, I was afraid. "I did it because I couldn't accept myself. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to have freedom in choosing who I love and who I shouldn't love. I wanted them to feel my pain. Unacceptable, disappointed, not good enough, stupid, tired, scared, confused and misunderstood." I felt my vission blur. Tears. Awesome.

"John—"

"Let me finish—" I took a deep breath and continued, "Whenever their parents didn't approve of me as their boyfriend they would fight for me. They would tell their parents that they love me no matter what. I was jealous that they have strength like that. I don't have that. I can't fight my family for someone I love. I can't talk to my family about my relationships. I feel disgusted. I feel chained and controlled by my dad's expectations, black mails and more. I didn't know what to do. I—I" I felt Alex tighten the embrace. I cried a bit. I wiped the tears away hugging him tightly. "Thanks for opening up and trusting me John. I completely understand. Nothing to worry about okay? Break up with Maria and let's make this relationship work if it doesn't... I'll support you through bad and good times but you need to do what's right and make sure it won't hurt others. Honestly, it's cruel to use people like that."

"That's only half what's going through my head and life." I said my voice cracking a bit. He smiled at me. Gosh that smile could lit up the world. "I know, tell me more about yourself okay? I'll tell you about myself soon."

He cuddled up to me. I cuddled closer. This felt perfect until I heard my phone ring. I pulled away from Alex who pouted. He began typing again at his laptop. I stood up and the phone a bit annoyed from the ruined moment. 

"Hello?" I asked a bit sourly. "John! It's Maria. Where are you?"

Shit.

The date. I looked at our clock that hang on the wall, it read, 7:47pm. "Uh, I'll be right there. I fell asleep sorry." Best excuse? I heard her hang up the phone. I looked at Alexander.

"Where are you going?" He asked not looking up from his work. I needed to make up a excuse.

I lied, "I'm going to meet up with Peggy."

"Okay. Have fun." He looked up from his work and smiled. I kissed his cheek and went to my room grabbing a new shirt and jacket then leaving the room waving bye to Alexander. I sighed as I went to Maria's dorm when I received a text from her.

'Meet me at the cafe where you and Peggy used to hang out'

Great job John Laurens. You just cheated on your new girlfriend with a guy. You lied to your boyfriend? Is it safe to say that? No. It isn't. They we're just a mutual understanding. Either way I felt terrible for lying to Alexander and forgetting my date with Maria. Another bonus, mom is sick. I let that all sink in while I was walking. What had gotten into myself? Is this karma for dating 5 other girls in my past highschool life? Is that the reason why mom is sick? I must be a terrible person. A terrible son. A terrible boy friend. A terrible—

"Watch where you're going!" A familiar voice said I blinked. Oh. Hercules I must've bumped into him. He was on the floor grabbing the grocery stuff. I helped him and helped him stand up. "Sorry Mom." He rolled his eyes, "Now where are you going Johnny?"

"Café" I said casually. "Alright, make sure you'll be home before nine pm! I'll be with Alex watching movies. Bye." He said walking away carrying the groceries.

I went to the cafe seeing a beautiful girl, her hair tied to a high pony tail, red lipstick, short shorts, long maroon colored long sleeves. "Maria." I said. She frowned and told me to sit across her, so I did.

"I ordered coffee for us." She said flatly. I nodded and drank the coffee. It was warm. "I'm sorry for being late, princess. I'll make it up to you okay? I promise." She looked at me sadly. "I'm sorry too John."

"There's nothing to be sorry about, princess." I hold her hand. She blushed a bit. Bingo. "I basically cheated on James with you and you know—" I cutted her off, "I know but I'll make anything for us work okay? I want us to last. I don't want you sad. I want to make you smile. Sure it did hurt that I felt like I was used but I can't help it I like you Maria Lewis." She smiled a bit. Stop it John. I was enjoying this and it's wrong. She pecked my cheek. We finished drinking our coffee.

"I like you too, John Laurens."

My phone phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled my hands away from her and muttered a sorry. I looked at the text message from Hercules.

•Laf's property
John, where the hell are you? Peggy is here at your dorm with Laf. We three are hanging out confused af since Alex told us you're to get coffee with Peggy but Peggy just came here with us. Are you lying? Text me ASAP.

Oh shit. I looked up at Maria and she was holding her phone too.

"I need to go." We both said in union. Woah, what? A ten minute date? New record. "Want me to walk you back to your dorm?" She fiddle with fingers. "No, it's alright. Thanks for comming." I stood up and so she did. I held her hand and kissed it. "Maria, I deeply apologize for my stupid actions such as sleeping in on the afternoon. Let's go on a date again?"

She smiled. "I'd love to."

We parted aways. I tried to sink everything that's happening right now. I took a deep breath until I reached my dorm. "I fucked up." I said starring at my dorm's door.