Let Me Love You ✨|| Completed

31. GREY!

~Our souls are nothing but colourful dreams muted in the world of grey nightmares~

"Grey!", She spoke, her voice nothing but a whisper and yet dominant.

Manik tried looking at her face, but she kept gazing at the sea. It was 2:30 am in the morning and the beach was almost deserted. The cold breeze was flowing adding to the ambience.

"Grey what? Fifty shades of grey?", He questioned, unable to understand the context of the word. The tech-friendly world today is more knowledgeable about Christian Grey than the actual grey, the colour grey.

"Yeah, Fifty shades of grey. But not the novel. The colour grey. It's shades...", Nandini answered, in a way clearing his confusion and at the same time, confusing him some more.

" Nandini, what are you trying to say?", He asked, totally unaware of the huge setback he was about to receive.

"I am asking a simple question manik. What do you understand by grey?", She questioned again.

Manik sighed because in the past month, he had realized that Nandini could be too stubborn to deal with, at times. She didn't listen to anyone and anything if she was hell bent on one thing.

"Grey...Is a colour...", He answered awkwardly and could hear her giggle at his answer. A reflex smile came on his face hearing the sound.

"I mean, if you are asking me the colour code, grey  represents usually neutral, non-comital, or gloominess and sadness. A colour of compromise...", Manik answered her.

Well even if you google it, grey usually stands for terms similar to Manik's explanation. But then, there are aspects of life, which can seldom be googled.

" Maybe you are correct. But you know grey forms when we mix black with white, the two extremes. Sometimes black is more in proportion and the grey is darker and sometimes white is more hence the grey is a shade lighter. There are more than fifty shades of grey. Grey is the most versatile colour, maybe the king of shades...", Nandini spoke in a daze and Manik was speechless at her thought process. Though they have connected on this very thing, the difference in the outlook of both for a similar thing,  but Manik was today scared in his heart, for a reason unknown to him.

"You know Manik when I was small, I used to visualize the world in black and white. The extremes. Good or bad. There was no in between them. A situation was either good or bad. A person was either good or bad. I didn't know the in-between thing. The grey thing", Nandini answered and Manik k was taken aback. She was indeed right. But what he was still unsure about was, the context of the question. So he kept mum, to let her take the lead and explain the scenario.

" You know being the elder child, I always had the advantage. Amma loved me more. So did Appa...", Manik flinched at the mention of her father. It was the first time since he had known her that she was talking about her father. But what he was surprised at was the tint of happiness in her voice, when she mentioned him. By the way she had always avoided him he always thought there was some hurtful memories or maybe he had left her amma or something like that. But to the opposite, here she was sitting and talking about him, happy.

" When I was a baby, Appa used to cradle me all night whenever I woke up from sleep. Whatever I wanted, he would bring me. I always had more than needed clothes, toys and other essentials. He loved me so much, but just like the usual dads, didn't know how to tell it. He thought that I would see his love in these little things he did for me. And I did", she spoke, emphasizing each word with a small smile and he could feel her roaming through the memory lane.

"Amma and Appa were my WHITES. The good in the bad world, though that time I had no idea about how bad the world is or about the BLACKNESS that resides outside. I was happy in my sweet home, in my white world. And then as I grew up, I witnessed certain fights amidst my parents, of which I understood nothing execpt that Appa was angry and was shouting at amma. And with that the WHITE of my world started darkening. It didn't become black but it was no more white either. It had become, slaty, the lightest shade of GREY...", She trailed off and Manik held her hand tight. He had no idea that she was would open up like this and now that she was, he was afraid to listen further.

" And then four years later, we welcomed Navu and Rishu in our home. I thought grey would turn white again. But instead, the grey turned a shade darker. Because now, I had started understanding the fights that my parents had. Appa was a man of short temper. And he had some severe insecurity issues too. He would taunt Amma about any and every man he could see near her. And sometimes cheap slangs too. But that doesn't mean he loved us any less. All our wishes would still be fulfilled. We were still his stars...", She continued and Manik was speechless at the moment. He didn't know what to say.

" And then with time I realized his insecurities. The struggle he had to face from his early life, the sour relationship he had seen amidst his siblings and most importantly the sour relationship he had had with grandma had made him that way. Can you believe he was so frustrated once that he popped the sleeping pills, before marrige? When I understood his point of view, I started giving myself an explanation for everything he did. Starting from the lack of faith he had in Amma to his venting out his frustration by shouting on her. Because I knew, no matter what, he loved us all. He just didn't know to express his emotions...", Nandini stopped to breath and Manik held her closer, if possible. His heart was getting heavier each moment.

" And then one day, the verbal abuse became physical. And it kept increasing. The grey became darker and darker until one day I protested. I stopped keeping silence. I fought with him and told him he was wrong. Very wrong. And he was hurt. Hurt that his daughter raised her voice with him. Hurt that even I didn't understand him. I could not explain him that I did. But the way he chose to deal with his inhibitions was wrong. How could I see my Amma bleeding and stay quiet? It strained my relationship with him. This continued for several times. He fought. I retorted. And all these had a very negative impact on Navya and Rishabh. They were younger, emotional and fragile. Appa bought us everything we wished for but later in anger would taunt us about how we wanted this and that. Navu stopped speaking to him about anything she needed slowly. And Rishu had grown awfully silent. I tried explaining him at times but he took everything in the wrong way. My white had started turning black. The proportion of black had started increasing and the grey had turned dark and colder. He was not bad. He was not completely wrong. But sometimes situations are complicated to explain. Sometimes Amma would also argue with him and it would turn into an ugly fight. Both shooting daggers at each other. I didn't know what to do. And then, one day, he left us. Sudden cardiac arrest. I couldn't prove to be a good daughter. I couldn't celebrate father's day with him. I couldn't celebrate his birthday. I couldn't tell him I loved him. And the world became permanently grey. No black. No white. Grey. Dark grey....", She stopped and Manik checked for tears on her face but found nothing. She was still gazing at the sea, her face neutral. She was not vulnerable. She was not crying. Just neutral. Just grey.

" Nandini...?", He called her softly and she looked up at him. A small smile on her lips.

"My world has been grey since I can remember. And I have witnessed the world being dark grey from black all my life. And irony is people don't understand grey. All of us are shades of grey. But we judge others as black and white. We don't see grey...", Nandini spoke in a daze looking deep in his eyes.

"And this is why I am afraid to speak. I am grey. My life is grey. Every shade of grey. And people don't understand grey. But today, there on the road, I couldn't see a father drifting away from his daughter because of me. That is why I gave her blood, to let him have that angel...", Manik kept his fingers on her lips to mum her. He hugged her tight, hiding her in his embrace. She was still mumbling something but he didn't listen. He didn't want to. He didn't have the strength to. This was not the entire story, he knew. There was lot more. But it was enough for one time. He just rubbed her back and kissed her hairs until she felt asleep. Right there, on the beach, under the stars and the cold breeze. The waves waxing and wanning, high and low,like the phases of life. She was different he knew. But today, he realized she was definitely grey. Dark grey. And to lighten the grey shade by mixing more of white, was now his responsibility to complete...!