"She never really loved me," I breath into the mic while I've been forced to speak again. "I don't believe she ever could've." I stare at the patch of dirt where everyone plants the seeds of different types of flowers. A whole table arranged with different seeds and candles lighting up the earths around her. It's around nine and it's getting darker. "I ruined her life more than anybody could ever understand, and I'm just so extremely grateful for the relationship we had." I look around the audience who plant flowers around my beloved.
"She loved you Shawn, she loved you more than anything." Nathan hugs me. "More than anything," he whispers in my ear before pulling away.
"I'd like to finish off the night with a song, it's not my song and it's an older song too. It's by James Arthur. The lyrics of the song say numerous times can I be him and I don't mean I'm jealous of Justin even though secretly I have been their whole relationship," he rolls his eyes at me.
"Not so secretly." He speaks into the mic before letting me speak again.
"What I mean instead is that I'm jealous of the big guy, the one who took her away from us, I'm sure there was a reason and I wish I knew what that reason was. She was the light of my life the mother of my children and she was the reason I could smile. She brought me great joy and on that note I'd like to dedicate this song to my fallen love, may she rest in peace."
-
"That song was beautiful," each member of either of our families either complimented my song or apologized to me for my loss before leaving me with an awkward nod as a response. Our closer relatives are driving back to my house with me and the kids in a limo.
"You know she loved you," Ian rolls his eyes.
"I think she faked it to spare my feelings." I shrug a little. "I think I scared her."
"You did for a while," he nods and I roll my eyes again. "But, You started looking her in the eyes and you started treating her like an equal. She loved that you were just as clumsy as her and that you would laugh with her instead of at her, she loved how you never forced her to do anything but stay in your arms." He shivers at the girly line.
"Well I can't force her to do anything any more." I sniff and he nods.
"I can't either, I can't force her to do anything I can't force her to wake up and I can't force her to want to, but you can try to force yourself to move on." He walks with me to the limo.
"You don't get it Ian,"
"I completely understand. I loved her too, I was all she had left for four years, and then she met you." He smiles. "I hated it at first, I always wanted to keep my friends and Reese separate. Even if I'm only older by a year she was like my daughter and all I wanted was to keep her safe. When she met you I lost all of that power and all of the sudden it was you. You were the reason she stopped wearing sweatshirts and hoods."
"Can you not." I watch CJ blow out all of the candles with his cousins. His cousins are all the populars at school and they act so cool until CJ's around. They love him and they help him so much. They sometimes come over to do their homework so when he's finally allowed to go to a real school he'll know what it's like.
"I know it's sad Shawn but I want you to know that she did love you, more than anything."
"My poor boy," my mom walks up giving me a hug.
"I didn't know you were here?" I furrow my eyebrows.
"I've been here the whole time, this girl meant a lot to you so she means a lot to us too." Aaliyah throws her arms around my neck while my mom moves.
"I'm so sorry," she whispers crying just as much as me. "I miss her too."
