But the warmth of the memories slowly left my body leaving me cold and empty. I sighed and took the now empty plate to the sink and rinsed it off before I heard a knock. I sighed and walked over to it closing my eyes and giving myself a slight moment of peace. I opened the door and Negan was standing there with his arms crossed. I opened the door and step aside for him to come in.
"You changed." He observed. I looked down at the wrinkled t-shirt and shrugged.
"I'm comfortable this way." I muttered. He only nodded before falling back on the bed. I watched from the corner as my heart jumped at the thought of how the picture was hidden under the pillow. I didn't want him to know that I had. I felt like it was a secret part of him that I didn't want him to know I knew yet.
"How about you go play me a sweet tune." He said closing his eyes. It felt weird hearing him sound not sarcastic, not obnoxious, but just a man asking for a song. I walked toward the piano and let my fingers brush the notes before playing. I started playing a song my dad used to play me when I was sad about something. It always seemed to calm me down no matter how upset I was. Then after he played the song he would make me hot chocolate and he would say how chocolate always healed the inside wounds. I pretended it was my turn to play this song to him and that he was sitting in the chair next to me. I could picture him sitting there watching and smiling proudly as my hands played the keys in the same way he did so many years before. The image of him faded as the song came to an end. I hit the last note and let him slip away completely from my imagination. I turned on the bench to face the doorway where Negan was now leaning up against the doorway and was watching me.
"Who taught you that song?" He said. I looked at the keys and then back at him.
"My father," I said softly looking up to him. Negan nodded and stayed silent. "He died when I was sixteen," I admitted.
"Sorry to hear that. What happened?" I looked at my nails suddenly interested in the dirt that had been collected underneath.
"He got cancer in his bladder," I said softly. "we had him for a while. We thought it was going to be okay and he was going to make it but-" I couldn't finish my sentence and just shrugged and looked back to my nails.
"I get it." He sighed and rubbed his hand against his hair. He was different than I've ever seen him before. The sarcastic asshole I knew was not standing in front of me. I couldn't say anything as he looked off like he had his own set memories that he was remembering. He suddenly smiled at me but not the cocky smile he normally wore on his face. This one was softer and almost sweet. "It's not fun to look back on the past, is it?"
"Sometimes." I looked at the chair where I saw my father sitting on. "Sometimes it's what gets me through the day." Negan seemed to think about that for a moment.
"If I told you something about what I was before this you must do the same, deal?" I eyed him suspiciously. He walked over and chuckled as he fixed his jacket which was opened showing a plain almost white shirt underneath. He leaned forward with his elbows resting on his legs as looked at me.
"Okay, I guess." I shrugged and tried to think back on what I could possibly tell him.
"You go first." He said more of a commanding way. I sighed and tried to think.
"Okay well, I guess I can tell you that I was actually engaged before all this." He raised eyebrows.
"Well shit, what happened to him?" He asked me and I let out a laugh.
"Turns out he was cheating on me. When word spread about the Walkers he bolted with her and I haven't seen them since." I said shrugging. I thought back on that day with the noise of the TV calling with emergency alerts and him packing his stuff as I screamed at him. I pushed the memory aside and looked at Negan. My story didn't seem to amuse him but it looked like it had affected him for some reason. I tried my best to smile at him. "It's okay I fell out of love with him long before the Walkers happened. If anything, it was a blessing in disguise." He only nodded and looked down at his hands. "What about you?"
"Well," He put his hands together and brought it to his lips in thought. "there was a point in my life where everything seemed to be going right. You know? That feeling when everything is fucking great. But you still manage to fuck it up for yourself? It's almost to the point of self-sabotage and you can't fucking stop yourself from doing it." His expression seemed to harden. I was surprised by the heavy topic from such a 'funny' guy. But I listened closely scared that any moment he would suddenly realize how vulnerable he was making himself and he would close up like a clam. "See I was cheating on my wife. The thing is she knew it and she never said a damn word about it. She accepted that I wasn't satisfied with just her anymore." I nodded my head. I wasn't surprised really. Any guy that had multiple wives in the apocalypse probably wasn't that faithful beforehand.
"But you see a few months before the Walkers she had a damn seizure and passed out on the fucking ground. I got her to the hospital only to find out that, like your dad, she had cancer. I got so majorly pissed off that she was the one who got it. This woman who had accepted every shitty thing I ever did to her and still let me sleep in her fucking bed at night." He got quiet for a moment. I didn't dare move in fear of him snapping out of his story. "I stopped the affair and was trying my hardest to do my best for her. I was there for all the treatments, all the sleepless nights, but it didn't do a damn thing. She died in the hospital the day when shit really hit the fan. She turned and I didn't have a fucking clue what the hell was going on." He raised his eyebrows and I could tell he was remembering it so visibly.
"I didn't keep up with the news during that time. So, to see her like that coming after me..." He stopped talking and looked at me with such an intense need for another person. I think it was then I realized how lonely it must truly be for him. Not trusting anyone, not even yourself. He smiled at me and I could tell it was part of his performance again. "But any fucking ways." He stood and I knew he was leaving again. As he neared the door I was suddenly on my feet going after him. As he reached for the doorknob my arms wrapped around his stomach and he stopped. I felt the head of his body as I pulled myself to him my face was at his shoulder blades and I could feel his chest going up and down as he breathed. I didn't know why I was doing this but it felt like what I was supposed to do. I pulled away and didn't say anything and neither did Negan as he walked out and closed the door behind him.
YOU ARE READING
Lucille (The Walking Dead)
Fanfiction"This is your last try," Negan whispered against my neck and his hands were squeezing my wrist to the wall. Daryl ran through my mind. His face, his stare, his touch. "you have no other choice." I swallowed at the thought of never being able to lea...
