Mental Health Matters

What It's Like Living With Mental Illness

Failure! I'm too familiar with this term! And I'm at times ashamed of it, throughout my life! At times I just want to hide under my blankets and cry while listening to sad music, but others I feel powerful enough to do something that matters and that feeling is one of the best feelings in the world! But overall failures, when people bring it back up in my life, it haunts me at night and I can't seem to put it back where I put things that I've moved on from, somehow.

Lies? Do people lie? Yes, at times. But me, I do, too many times. People ask me if I'm okay and I always lie and wrong with "yes" but deep down, it's all a lie. I was never okay. Screaming, in pain, negative thoughts, hateful of herself and the world, how is that normal? 

Screaming? I scream all the time, no one hears. But I do scream, even if they don't hear, it hurts like hell. And it takes over my head and my life! It completely sucks. 

When I open up and be honest about myself with others, they don't notice not say anything. Which is why I choose to isolate, and continue being in that mental state because of that! 

Pain, crying, tears! It's a part of me, it's a part of everyone. But me, when I deal with a painful, hurting news, I isolate, under the covers, or hide in a closet or bathroom and cry. Then when I hear others coming, I hide the pain, tears, and evidence that I wasn't okay. 

One Day...
It started February 9th. I had a coffee before the in-basket, nothing to eat. Completed the in-basket, met with my tutor on campus for another class. Then took shuttle back to my dorm! And took a nap until 5 o'clock. I hadn't eaten all day, minus the coffee I had. My stomach started growling at me at that time, and I didn't listen to it until the 5th or 6th growl. It was just all the pressure going to my head, bad/negative thoughts were back. And I just let it control my thoughts and actions. Plus kept me from doing the usual. Being honest with the ones I love. I lied to them every time they asked if I was okay. Kept all those thoughts and actions to myself, inside of me instead of being honest and open with my behaviour, thoughts, and overall being. Lost control, but I hid that from them too! It didn't start happening everyday but I didn't have the right mood & energy enough only leading me to skip meals! Most of those times was on purpose. But Monday this week, I did by accident, without even realizing till later that day.

Tracey Bazso
i starting recovery slowly and bit by bit in apirl 2014. It started out by going to get my recovery tattoos. I didnt get better over night, it took months to get to where i am now! I have been self harm free for 2 months now and thats the longest i have gone in 10 years! I didnt really have a choice but to tell my family and friends. I held it in for too long and ended up in th hospital for attempted suicide so they all found out that i was struggling. When i did sit down and talk to them about it i just told them that i was not doing okay with everything i have been through and i need help and support from them. Those who were not able to understand or willing to support me i cut out of my life. I only need people around me who will help carry me through not drag me down.

Recovery is an everyday choice. When im having a really bad day I look down at the tattoos on my wrists and breath and remember God gave me another chance. I have decided to make the best of it. Let my story help others going through the same sort of stuff I went through. Things will get brighter.

Shame! I had way too much of it! And I hated that about myself along with being easily weak and broken. I didn't have any strength to fight it all: the pain, negative thoughts, things I want to do with my body and my life! It seems scary and dangerous too!

This is exactly I felt while being depressed for 8-9 years! Wanting to scream so badly but choosing not to because of the "stigma"

They feel useless, powerless, hate-consumable, in pain, more depressed believing that there's no way out, no way to recover, to be normal! Not knowing what normal is. And if it was all worth it

The perfect I believe is: knowing that no one and nothing is perfect but choosing to treat others as if they were!

My thoughts were not in my full control for years... Depression: the stigma was. It was many reasons why I only thought certain things, how I felt about myself: insecure, hopeless, paralyzed, no confidence, no happiness, pain, and much more. It turned me into someone I knew I never wanted to be not was on the outside. I hated that it made me keep it all BOTTLED up inside. Hidden from all my family and friends... But just recently this year, I'm recovering and each step takes time. Don't rush these things. I'll be ready when I'm ready. I still haven't told many people such as my own family about this yet but will when I'm ready. It's a big step to do something like this.  But I'm definitely grateful and blessed for all the things and people who have helped me recover, even if they don't know about it. Having them help with something like this is "priceless" and am so happy for it all. It helped me become the person I am proud to be... My recovery overall, has gotten me so far along with accomplishing one important thing to me: my dreams!