Unplanned. ✔️

Chapter 33: Darlings.

Unplanned.

Chapter 33: Darlings.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore, the twins were here one minute and now I feel like I have lost them. I feel like a piece of me has left, just packed up and left without a single word of approval. I didn't ask for any of this, anything to be like this, I have always been a good girl, good grades, never answer back to my family and never have gotten in grounded (well I don't think so anyway.) So why me, why?

For the past two days, I have turned into a robot, not bothering to go to sleep (I must look like a zombie), I have been by my twin's side since they have been born. Whether or not, I was crying when I saw them, I was with them. No one can tell me that I am not a good person, I have spent all my time with them, by the glass incubator that they are living in. I just want them to get better, I want the doctors and the nurses to tell me that everything is okay and the twins are back to 'normal', to tell me that the twins are happy and healthy but I know this won't happen. I don't think they are happy as they are stuck in the same place for a long time without being able to see the world, without being able to touch their own Mother or Father. I know if I was in their position, I would not be happy.

So with the robot comment, I haven't slept (robots don't sleep), I haven't eaten (I think they do this but oh well). I just want someone to turn me off and turn me back to normal, to take me back to where I was a week ago, let me re-do this whole week again and not give birth, not give birth until the actually due date. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that they are here and all (I love them) but they are in critical condition. All I want to do is switch place with them so I have the bad health, so I am on the verge of death (I must sound so crap right now but I am, I feel like crap). I want to be on the verge of death, not them, I don't want them to slip out of this world without a goodbye or without actually living. They have all of their life to live and I have lived my life, well a bit of it anyway.

I don't want them to go.

"Lacey? Lacey darling. You need to eat something, you need to do something. All you have done is sit here for the last couple of days." My Mother whispers to me, she is currently sitting on the chair next to the bed that I am still in.

No I don't want to eat, I don't want to move, and I don't want to do anything at all. All I want to do is sit here and wallow in self-pity. I and Toby haven't really spoken since the birth, we have been in the same room with the twins however, and we haven't really talked as I think we are both blaming ourselves about the twins being born early.

I know that I have been blaming myself for the early birth as different situations have been running through my head. Situations like 'what if I didn't go to the meal' or 'what if I didn't get the taxi back from the meal'. But I have come to the conclusion that it is my fault, not matter what people have said to me.

It's solely down to me.

"Lacey darling, you need to listen to me, you need to try and stay focused. Focused that they will get better, it may take time but they will get better. Try and hang in there darling." My Mother says, she waves her hand in front of my face. I blink a couple of times to try and get focused again in the conversation but it doesn't work, I just sit and stare into the white hospital wall.

"Lacey, please you need to focus darling, I think we need to get a counsellor or something like that, you have just been in the same position for the last couple of days and not moving. It isn't good for your health and the twins need your darling." My Mother says to me, checking her phone.

A mix between anger and emotion boils inside of me as I hit my fists on the bed in frustration. My Mother whips her face from her phone to me and gives me a small smile but I know inside that she is getting frustrated with me. She is getting annoyed with me and my mopping about.