If We Just Lay Here // Dan Howell

Chapter 31

DAN'S POV 

This song has lyrics that go very well with this chapter plus F.O.B are pretty damn good -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTFRePZT1FI

I've screwed up - big time. After numerous glasses of water and feeling the fresh air hit my face as I walk down the country lane, I begin to reflect on the events that just occurred, now that I'm sober.

I actually hate myself.

What the hell was I thinking? Everything was going perfect: I finally told (y/n) that I loved her and we kissed and it felt amazing! I thought that I'd be happy for the rest of my life. But no, I'm just a huge failure.

She was gone for so long - I got bored. With a few bottles of champagne in the fridge, I figured it was the time to celebrate. But I was stupid and drank too much. Stumbling over to the door, I saw a tall girl in a red dress enter the room. Assuming it was (y/n), I began to get closer to her and tease her, like I would normally, but with drunk slurs escaping my mouth, it must have seemed to the girl that I was coming onto her. I began getting personal with her and kissing her like I had imagined doing with (y/n) before.

Weirdly, her lips felt different.

That's when I noticed that the girl I had been kissing was not (y/n) - it was Hollie. Despite my heart telling me that I didn't like Hollie and that I should stop before I hurt the girl I actually love, my intoxicated mind told me that I should enjoy the moment while it lasted.

That's when she walked in the room.

I heard my name fall off of her tongue and I pushed Hollie off my lap as quick as I could. It was too late - she had seen. I tried to tell her words from my heart, but the alcohol in my system wouldn't let me. I was disgusted at myself for what I had said to her.

I told her she was "stubborn" and that I was giving Hollie "a try". I could have hit myself for that and I can't believe I could ever be so damn cruel - it's not like me! My mind finally let my heart speak by telling her that I loved her but it was too little too late. I was left feeling like a total jerk with her promise ring in my clenched fist and my head hitting the wall.

That was a sign that I had broken my promise to her and now I am looking at the ring in my hand as walk down the road, knowing that I've hurt her.

What will I say to her when I get back to hotel? Will she forgive me? Probably not but I need to try if I want her to be in my life forever.

Hollie tried to seduce me by running her fingers down my spine and calling me baby  but I knew that I didn't want to take things further with her - something I should've decided before the incident. I told it to her straight that I didn't like her like that and I ran downstairs. I searched for my girl but I couldn't see her anywhere. I tried looking for Phil too but he was no where to be seen. That's when I discovered that they had both left without me. I decided to sober up by rapidly drinking water and now, with a thumping headache, I walk into the doors of the hotel.

Immediately, I run down the hall and notice Phil walking down it too.

"Phil!" I call out.

A rather distressed Phil turns around and looks at me with a grim expression. I can already tell that he knows what I did and it makes me feel ten times worse that my best friend probably hates me right now.

"Where's (y/n)?" I ask, walking up to him.

"Oh so you actually care about her now?" Phil asks, sounding rather annoyed.

"Look, I know I've messed up and I feel like such an idiot but I'm sober now. I want to make it up to her prove that I love her Phil - where is she?" I ask desperately.

Phil sighs and looks down at his feet. I have the feeling that he knows something that I don't.

"Where is she?" I repeat, getting frustrated now.

"She told me not to say but she's not here anymore Dan..." Phil says.

"What do you mean by that?"

"She has gone Dan. She is so heartbroken and I hope you feel so guilty because I'm the one that had had to try and fix your mistake. I seriously can't believe you." Phil hisses.

I have never seen Phil so angry. Not only have I upset (y/n) but I have hurt Phil too.

"I can't believe me either" I mumble, "I couldn't control myself Phil and there is no better way in explaining it. Where has she gone? I need her more than anything. I messed up and I need to fix that."

"It's too late" Phil sighs, "She's not even in the country anymore..."

"What?!" I shout, "Where the hell has she gone?"

Phil stays silent and looks at the ground. I grab his shoulders and pull him closer so that our eyes are locked together.

"Where. Is. She?" I say, gritting my teeth.

"Get off of me!" Phil cries, pulling away from me, "You're going to end up with nobody Dan if you carry on this way!"

I lean against the wall of the hall and backslide down, covering my face with my hands. He's right. I'm losing everyone and by everyone, I mean the only two people that matter to me.

"I'm sorry Phil" I say, feeling tears well up in my eyes, "I just feel like my life is over if this doesn't get any better. I didn't kiss Hollie on purpose. I was drunk and stupid. The words I said was my intoxicated mind and you won't understand because you aren't me. I don't like Hollie. I love (y/n). You have to believe me. Please Phil."

Phil slides down the wall and puts his arm around my shoulders. He lowers his head so that he is just centimetres from my face.

"I understand Dan. I know when you are telling the truth just from your tone of voice. It changes when you are passionate about something." Phil smiles, "You really didn't mean the words you said to (y/n) did you?"

I shake my head.

"You really love her don't you?" He asks softly.

I nod.

"You need to tell her everything you told me then" Phil smiles, "She will believe you if you show her how determined to win her back you are"

"I don't think she will Phil. She's a broken girl and I don't even know where she has gone."

Phil sighs and pulls his arm away.

"Scotland" He says.

I take my hands away from my puzzled face and sit up.

"Scotland?" I ask, "Why? Does she hate me that much that she has to stay as far away from me as possible?"

"No of course not!" Phil responds, "It's her Mum. She has a month to live and (y/n) has gone to spend her last month with her"

 Not only have I broken her heart but she has just been told her Mum is dying. She is going to end up so depressed this way and I'm not there to help her through it.

CRAP!

I'm not there whilst her Mum is dying like I was when her Dad was dying! The realisation hits me quickly and I stand up from the wall.

"I need to get the next flight to Scotland!" I announce, running to my room.

"Dan wait!" Phil calls.

I turn around and look at Phil.

"She told me not to tell you" He admits.

"I don't care Phil. She can't do this alone and I won't let her"

I continue running to my room. I need to get to her and fast. I love her. I hope she knows that. Does she still love me back? Probably not. But I saw how she was when her Dad died and she could not have done that alone. I kept my promise for so long.

I'm not going to let her down now.