If We Just Lay Here // Dan Howell

Chapter 18

A/N I now have 1.3k reads and positive feedback which makes me so happy so thank you very much! This chapter is going to be Dan's POV so enjoy :)

~DAN'S POV~

"How did (y/n) take the news?" Phil asks, scratching his neck.

I look up at him and reply with "Not very well"

"How so?" Phil questions, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Well, she told me it was fine and not to worry but she looked quite upset by it" I tell him.

Honestly, I was upset too. I was hoping to treat her whilst we were out here: travelling around America, buying her gifts, making her laugh and just generally spending some time with her! She has been through so much and watching her go through it was so difficult for me! But, I'm so proud of her and I just want to see her happy. I feel like I can't make her happy. I've already made her sad a few times whilst we have been here and even though she tries to hide it, I can see right through her - I've known her for so long to know exactly how she feels!

"You're good at that" Phil smirks.

"At what? Making her sad? I know and I feel like such a jerk for it" I admit, bowing my head shamefully.

Phil looks confused, "No I didn't mean it like that! I meant that you're good at knowing how she feels"

"Oh"

"Do you really feel like you make her sad?" Phil asks, looking sincere.

I nod slowly and take a deep breath.

"All the time. Just by letting her down with stupid little things hurts me because I know how promises have been broken to her before." I sigh.

"By who?"

"Practically everyone Phil. Her Dad promised not to leave her. He told her that he wasn't ready to go and he wanted to see her grow up and get married and have children. He also told me to look after her. But as you know, her Dad died and he never saw her do anything of those things. I tried so hard to keep my own promise to him but I feel like I'm just not enough to keep her happy. She suffered from severe depression after that and she doesn't trust anyone anymore..."

"Anyone except you" Phil mumbles.

"What?" I ask, puzzled.

"She trusts you Dan. I have only seen her smile when she's around you - even when she should be mad at you!" Phil tells me, sympathetically smiling.

"I love her smile - it's one of her best features! She always look down when she does, as if she's trying to hide herself away because she doesn't see her true beauty. But honestly, her smile is absolutely gorgeous and enough to get me through the day" I tell him, blushing a little myself.

A smile appears on Phil's face too.

"Do you..." Phil begins, "Do you like her Dan?"

I quickly look up at Phil. I've been asking myself that same question ever since the day I met her. She's my best friend and she means so much to me but sometimes, I feel like something is telling me that I actually like her more than that. I'm still trying to determine whether that's my heart or my head though. I try not to lead her on in case it's my head but honestly, the feeling I feel in my chest and my stomach when I'm near her makes me really think that I'm genuinely in love with her. Sometimes my body just takes over and what ever I say and do is those feelings building up. The truth? Of course I love her.

"Dan?" Phil repeats, waving hand in front of my face.

"Oh sorry, got lost in thought" I say, shaking my head.

Phil grins again.

"Is that a yes?" Phil asks, raising his eyebrows.

"No it's not" I lie, rolling my eyes, "We're just really close friends Phil and even if I did like her, it's go nothing to do with you!"

Phil's smile drops. What was he expecting? I pull Phil's laptop up from the bottom of his bed and pass it to him.

"Anyway, we need to arrange some signings" I say, changing the subject.

"Of course" Phil says, taping on the keyboard.

I look down at the bed sheets and wonder what (y/n) is up to; is she worrying, is she happy? I feel like it's my responsibility to look after her - she occupies my mind all the time! Her face appears frequently in my head - she is what keeps me going. Her smile, her face, her figure - she's perfect to me in every way even if she doesn't look like the next top model! I don't need a model who is perfect to society anyway. I love her imperfections and if I could only prove that to her, I would. But I can't. I'm trapped in the friendzone and I'm too scared that breaking down that wall will only result in chaos. Does she like me that way anyway? Is she hurting still? If not, will I hurt her? It's easily done. I'm just scared that I could ruin things forever with just one mistake. Only time will tell if she will be mine.

It feels so good to call her that you know.

Mine.

Not in a possessive way but a romantic way. I could tell her how beautiful she is without it being awkward, I can say those three words all the time to remind her how much she means to me and most importantly, I can kiss her precious, pink lips to make her feel safe.

Mine.

I look at the computer screen and see Phil typing dates and venues. If I don't get to spend enough time with her this week, I'm going to make the ceremony night even more special. I will tell her. I will. If I can't keep my other promise, I will keep this one. Without her, I'm nothing and if that's not telling me that  I need to tell her to make sure she's in my life forever, then I don't know what is.

"You okay Dan? You're not saying much" Phil asks, lowering his glasses slightly.

"That's the problem" I mumble.

"What?"

"Doesn't matter"

Phil continues to type and I continue to think. That's the problem - I'm not telling her. But I will. I promise.

A/N Made a change to write in Dan's POV eh! I figured I'd give you an insight into Dan's thoughts so you know that the feeling is mutual  ;D But aww was that not adorable!? What's Dan got planned for the ceremony night? Keep reading to find out! Thanks again ~ Katie