OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

3rd of March 2024 entry.

📝03/03/2024.

Complacency refers to a feeling of satisfaction or contentment with one's current situation, often leading to a lack of motivation for improvement or change. It can also refer to a sense of smug self-satisfaction or a feeling of being overly pleased with oneself to the point of being unaware of potential dangers or shortcomings.

I was getting set backs in my recovery due to complacency.

Why was I getting complacent? Because I had been doing very good weight wise. Every CAMHS appointment would end with 'well done, you have restored some weight', or 'you are doing so well with meal plan'. I was progressing , I was doing so well, right? No. Contradicting to what everyone thought I was doing, I had been discreetly not acting obedient to my meal plan; I was eating under my assigned calorific requirement due to laziness. Despite my under-eating in secrecy from CAMHS and my parents, I was still getting being praised as the scale was saying otherwise. 

Upon realizing that I could still gain weight without strictly following the stressful meal plan, which I found difficult to follow and lacked the motivation to always eat, I made a conscious decision to continue undereating. Because I would still gain the weight right? That's what everyone wanted anyways; this decision stemmed from the belief that weight gain was now hard to avoid for me, I felt this was desired by others. Another feeling was lingering in me, I was aware that there had to be a deeper reason for why I started reverting back to old habits. There was still fear hiding inside me. The fear and belief that I was gaining weight despite not consuming enough food instilled fear. I was concerned that if I did revert back to eating my meal plan I would gain too fast. This unease was not foreign to me- I had experienced it before. There was a bit of hope surfaced at the possibility of breaking the pattern of my weight gain. 

I wouldn't call this relapse. I would describe this as a negative resurgence caused by uncertainty and anxiety.

In addition, the set backs were also caused by me entering the rabbit hole of social media again. My fingers were getting used to scrolling again. My eyes were getting familiar with viewing other girls whilst my brain was growing the old habit of sending signals to me that confirmed I was ugly compared to those girls. I compared their bodies. I wanted their bodies. My eating disorder supported my thought of  if I followed the meal plan I would gain too fast therefore it told me to keep undereating and I obeyed like a fool as I thought it was wise.

I say a fool because despite me not physically lying to my parents, I was letting them believe I was doing the meal plan. When they would praise me I could seized the opportunity to slip in the truth however I didn't. 

It was on the 3rd of March that I heard a voice, that I believe was from God telling me that despite me gaining weight, I still am being disobedient to CAMHS and my parents as they had told me to consume x amount of calories and I wasn't. The voice told me I was being deceitful. The voice told me I was in the wrong. God told me that he wasn't scolding me but helping me; He believed it I told my parents I was struggling again, they would support me. God was trying to support me- I craved this support. This is why I feel you should seek God to receive that comfort, disciple and worth.

Yes, my parents had stopped asking me If I was doing my meal plan and it hurt me as they probably believed I was recovered do to the restorations of my weight but I still had the strong mental factors of the eating disorder. I still had strict rules about time and food and I still feared foods I deemed bad. Analogy was strengthening my body dysmorphia. I strived for my phone to be taken away from me, for my eyes to be shut, for my brain to stop torturing me. I wanted revival. God was trying to help me prosper by confessing everything to my parents. I made the moral decision to confess near my next CAMHS appointment. I also told my self to try eat more, If it gain weight- it was meant to be. If you gain weight, it is meant to be. You are restoring.

I composed a paragraph that included an apology to my dad that I had not been apprehending to my meal plan due to complacency and fear. I had told my dad how I was still gaining weight despite not doing it and asked him if that's fine. I was so ashamed how I got to this point- how my emotions became stagnant again. I didn't like the effort of eating anymore and I acted on it forgetting I was healing from malnourishment. I was still not in the healthiest weight therefore, I should have known that even if I did gain weight faster it would be restoration and a good thing. I let laziness, fear and social media take over.

My dad replied with disappointment and disbelief. He told me how all the undereating could have caught up and my weight could have dropped. He told me how I wasn't myself and I agreed as I would never lie to my parents before. My dad slipped in a prayer as he knew it must have been the devil. He told me to please connect with God again and do my meal plan- 'take responsibility'.

It was the next CAMHS appointment when i confessed to CAMHS. My weight had stayed the same and they told me I needed to do the meal plan as it could stop next session. Luckily, they did not seem so angry- this could be because I was still restoring despite not eating the full requirement. 

My lesson for you is to not beat yourself up if you become stagnant again as recovery was never told to be linear. Keep preserving, find God, be honest with yourself, the professionals and your family. Seek help and support by connecting to God- if not seek help elsewhere. Well done for your efforts.