OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

31st of May entry.

📝31/05/2023.

I liked my new weight.

Yes, the anorexic, weight that was achieved by internal suffering and insecurities. The weight that was created by the continuous battle of mind and evil demonic spiritual oppressors overcrowding my brain.

I know that it was bad that I loved my new body but it but unfortunately I did.

I had a love hate relationship with my body.

I loved but hated how my ribs showed and every cage could be counted, I loved but hated the hole in the middle of my chest, I love but hated how skinny I looked. I loved my achievements but hated how I had lost my breasts, and bum and lovely thighs. I don't know how to explain it but all I knew is that I loved how skinny I was but missed certain features. I loved the most how skinny my face had become and how my jawline was as sharp as a knife.

To be honest I was just confused. I knew if it was possible I'd pick to keep my slimmer face and slimmer waist but choose to get my hips, thighs, bum and breasts back but life doesn't work like that. No one can ever be satisfied. So I knew if I could choose between my old body and new body I'd prefer to keep the slim one. Well I thought, I didn't know surely, sometimes I'd tell myself I'd prefer my old body back. I repeat again, I was just confused and their was so much conflict in my mind about my body and food when I should have just been living life as a normal teenager- free, liberal, content.

I like my achievement of loosing weight but I hate how it wasn't in a healthy manner.
It was like I loved the new creation I had as I initially thought now that I was skinny I had achieved my goal. I thought it was a good thing, I thought I was finally beautiful. I had a sense of pride.
In my head at this moment I had no idea how this new weight was unhealthy. I learnt skinny can be unhealthy too. Because my body wasn't meant to be skinny, God didn't want my weight to be like this as it's not how he formed me.

The bible says my body is a temple of Christ and expands how it's not mine but the lords. Therefore, little did I know I was destroying Gods temple externally and internally.

So yeah, I was unhealthily skinny, so of course but my parents want me to gain weight.

This was the scariest thing I had so much negative emotions when they told me this.
I didn't understand.

At the moment It felt like they want me to gain instead of actually wanting me to just not be so anxious with food and heal my relationship with it. I felt like it was always weight and how they just wanted me to add because they thought I was prettier before but what I didn't think about is how was maybe they wanted me to add so I could get my old happy life back, my period back, my strength back.

So yes I was angry as I was oblivious to why they actually wanted me to gain weight.

My mum would made make me feel so insecure about how skinny I was but I felt I preferred it to the old me. I wasn't sure.

The old me was happy, careless and a massive foodie. She was always smiling, clingy and engaged. But in my head she was fat. The new me was depressed, anxious, weak and confused. But she was skinny. So which one did I actually prefer?

I loved my face weight as I mentioned before but felt my thighs were too skinny and I wanted bigger thighs so I went to gym class and tried to add muscle to get muscular bigger thighs not knowing it doesn't work like that if I barely have any fat there anymore. A bit of me was open to gaining weight because my parents kept reinforcing it and I really wanted my thighs back but I just didn't want to gain face fat.

I would envy girls in school in the changing rooms who have a thick body in the right places but a slim face. I would even envy girls who were thick and with a chubby face. I felt it looked good on them. Then I'd go through a mental battle and wish I was big again so I'd eat. Then I'd wake up the next day again and feel fat and wish I was skinny again. Then the next day I'd wish I was bigger again. It was a ongoing confusing battle.

Never satisfied.

Super insecure.

Depressed.

I wanted to just get out of my own head and find peace.
At this phase I wasn't seeking God, I didn't think they would understand eating disorders.

I remember I was so depressed at night, I asked for help from my mum, even though our relationship was damaged and we would fight, because I felt so sad and craved motherly comfort even though I was angry with her as she kept making me insecure and telling me to gain.

However she shut it off and said to go to bed and discuss it the next morning.

I texted the pastors wife for support at night as my dad had told them about my issue and they were helped me a few days before and bought me KFC.
No response.

I guessed they were deep asleep as it was night.

I texted My friend, no response.

That's when I felt I had nobody. But then remembered I had God.

My closest friend and a person who could respond always and open to listen. I always go to him he's my comforter. He understands my battles as he witnessed them. So I talked to them (God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit triune) and I loved it, I felt better and happy.

Just happy though.

Not content, not at peace.

Why?

Because the next day I went back to being depressed.

I wanted it to be permanent, I hated feeling sad. I need spiritual healing bad.

Why was that day bad?

I had a bad day and I ate no more than 600 calories that day and I got scared because I wanted a high metabolism. I used to eat 1600 as a calorie deficit and was is when I was trying to heal and it got all worse and I went all the way back to 600 calories. So it hit me how everyday my calories consumed decreases and how it's a ongoing cycle. I started to get scared that night that I didn't eat enough and something bad could happen to me. At least I was aware not eating enough was bad as it bought fear upon me.

I remember the week before I was eating 1000, I wanted to increase my calories by 100 every week week to help my BMR increase but I had ruined it by going back to 600 calories a day. The process has to start again.

It was just tiring as I knew I'd struggle to start healing again so I decided just not to.

I wanted to go back to when idgaf. When I didn't even know what a calorie even was. I used to have a huge metabolism because I ATE SO MUCH. However at that moment I ate almost nothing that my BMR was probably 0 which which I found scary.

It's all science and complicated but the very fact I understood it more meant that I researched calories and how to loose weight as if it was a bible. Now writing this I realised I idolised calories more than God, he probably would wait for me to seek him but instead I'd seek google asking how to loose weight. How horrible.

I found out by my research I had signs of a snail metabolism which is great 😭.

I wanted to shit my brain down as it was consuming too many scary, immense things I couldn't comprehend.

I felt like that night might had been the peak of my depression as I unfortunately wanted to shut off aswell...

TRIGGER WARNING: WIEIAD

(Meals I had today whilst writing (current date 26th June)