'But a black young girl of God cannot get Anorexia or mental illnesses-.
This is my story.
You probably have struggled like how I have too.
These were my coping mechanisms.
This was a battle.
A battle you may have experienced as well.
This was ongoi...
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📝19th of June 2023 shows how grateful I am towards God on this day and everyday. I started to realize how he was strengthening me and I had so much gratitude towards him.
📝20th of June 2023 emphasis how happy I was towards finishing my GSCE exams. Yes, I suffered, yes, I was in and out of the hospital, yes, I was weak. However, I had God and with God all things are possible therefore, I got though my exams.
My mum, family and friends were shocked as they saw me as very weak and didn't believe I could do it. But I could. God could help me do anything.
Not only that but he took away my guilt and fear from food that day. I ate without feeling guilty. After I ate, I did feel bigger and insecure but I reminded myself how it's impossible to gain so much fat from one simple meal, therefore I felt better.
I told myself I was insecure because I need my hair done and not because of food. I made myself feel better by taking out my braids and tried to move on.
📝21st of June 2023
As you guys already know, I had taken out my braids the day before as they were making me feel insecure. I wanted to wash it this day. I already felt anxious to wash my hair as my friend who had anorexia, that I believe God sent to me to give me an insight how dangerous anorexia is to motivate me to heal, told me how when she washed her hair, and unfortunately loss most of it in the shower as it had thinned. She reached out to me to warn me as she hinted I had anorexia too, subsequently, I felt anxious to wash my hair, but I prayed as God doesn't give the spirit of fear but a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).
I knew I was still anxious and I kept overthinking whilst my mum was washing my hair. Fortunately, we combed my hair in advance and no hair fell out during the process which is ironic as before I even had anorexia my hair would fall out when combing it. Then my mum washed my hair and no hair had fell out in the bath- Thank God.
But my paranoid self tricked myself into thinking my hair fell out just because it looked shorter as when my mum blew dry my hair she didn't fully dry it so my curls caused shrinkage that wasn't stretched all the way out hence, I wrote that in my journal. MY hair definitely didn't fall out but I'm lucky as with anorexia hair thins and falls out. If you don't want to loose your hair, heal from this mental sickness. One thing I quite obviously care about is my appearance as I did this all to myself; when I found out I could loose my hair with a ED it influenced me the most to heal as if dying didn't enough. Unfortunately, my hair definitely did go thinner, I know it as I compare my old hair to my hair this day and I knew it had thinned but my sister told me it hasn't so maybe it's just phycological. Me now, whilst writing, thinks my hair looks fine and normal so In all honesty I don't know.
I'm telling you this story as when my hair was shorter and thinner I wanted to heal so bad. I ate so much fats this day, I ate chocolate and sweets thinking it will give me more energy for my hair to go. Reason why the hair thins or falls out is because the body doesn't have enough energy that you're consuming to keep your hair on and is using the energy to keep you alive instead in result of it letting go off your hair. When I received this news it pushed me to try harder. When telling my dad he was shocked, he mentioned how the way I got depressed didn't motivate me to try harder neither loosing my period, getting weaker or fainting however, when my appearance was involved I wanted to heal.
I reflected and realised he was right. Damn that was a toxic mindset.
Gosh all we care about is our appearance, just why.
Don't we know everything God makes is beautiful (Ecclesiastes 3:11) and he created us, therefore, we are gorgeous!
