OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

7th of July 2023 entry.

📝07/07/2023

The first day of doing the meal was obviously going to be hard as again, it was the first day. My body wasn't used to eating that constantly. I expected the next day to be the exact same however, I was shocked to find out on this day, which was the second day into professional recovery, it was easier than the first day. I knew the cause of it being easier was the fact I had woken up earlier at 8 therefore I had more time to space out the meals, fit them in and reduce the unpleasing feeling of fullness.

I did however have a obstacle that I felt was incompatible with the meal plan. I got braces.

It made it very impossible to eat- which was a massive inconvenience as I already have a Ed. I had to eat. I had to do the meal plan but I found it to hard to eat!

This caused me so much stress therefore making me want to give up. My ED was telling me, 'you have braces, what other reason can I give you not to eat'. This thought became over bearing and I was so close to letting my ED win. But guess what I did.

I pushed away the thought and found alternatives like porridge and yogurt and smoothie.

Sometimes in ED recovery or in general, it is about eating what is coinvent for you at the time. I sometimes felt I couldn't eat some things as I wouldn't enjoy it or it would be a waste of calories. Not enjoying a food will make me so upset as I would regret even eating it at all. However, eating isn't only for enjoyment, it's for fuel, energy and convenience. I luckily love porridge but not a huge smoothie fan, but I knew it was a perfect way for me to get something in, therefore I consumed it.

Overall on this day I still managed to do everything according to the meal plan and I felt a lot of guilt. I became so fearful of gaining weight and kept beating myself of. I felt the food I ate were more higher in calories than how I would eat without the meal plan and gosh nothing scared me more than calories and fat. I had a mental breakdown and my mood was ruined. I still never understand how doing something good could feel like I was doing something bad. Why did fueling myself make me feel horrible and scared? 

All I knew was God could take away this negative feeling from me. Thereafter, I started praying to God to take away my guilt and fear. Why? Because the lord always comes through.

I started to see the positives in life after praying  for example, I realised how I still managed to eat even though I had braces, I appreciated how I put in the effort to care for myself  by eating when I had an obstacle. I had gratitude on how my braces did not even hurt that bad first day. If anything, the pain was so minor.

By embracing the positives in a day, you can find a reason to be happy. 

In all honesty, I did end up going to bed upset and overwhelmed as I was provided with thiamin, vitamin B, supplements, paracetamol for my bones, braces, pain and heart. I also had to do the eucharist for spiritual healing which is fine however, having so many things to prioritize before bed instead of just freely going to bed caused me to feel overstimulated. I already had a whole routine before bed and so many new things were added for my health. It something to be happy about but I just felt annoyed.