OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

16th of August 2023 entry.

 📝16/08/2023 - Obsessions.

It started of being such a good day. 

I felt bright, happy and good therefore, all the positive emotions. In other words, nothing negative crossed my mind on this day. 

This was unusual; no guilt, no overthinking, no thoughts about food. 

I spent most of the day watching and obsessing over Demon Slayer. I wasn't surprised it was my current obsession as I normally get obsessions over things- obviously. I will expand later why I became obsessed with the anime but first I wanted to talk about obsessions. 

I would always get addicted to some new things I am introduced to. Subsequently, the obsessions I would grow would be the only thing I want to talk about, the only thing I want to do and the only thing I want to see. I felt my fixation with things may have made my ED harder to rid of as I was obsession over the habits unconsciously. My ED kind of became a coping mechanism and I felt my body was 'used' to undereating therefore it became 'obsessed' with the new habit. This is not me stating I loved my ED habits at all.  I believe not all obsessions are enjoyable. Some obsessions are uncontrollable. It's kind of like the obsession is obsessing over you; controlling you; it could make one feel like a vulnerable, helpless slave. No one likes to be controlled and weak.

Linking back to my obsession with Demon Slayer, I was very shocked I had a new fixation and interest on something that wasn't ED related for etc. counting calories, looking at food scales, food labels, numbers, macros and body checking. I was not thinking about these things anymore as all I was thinking about was Demon Slayer.

Before watching 'DS', My ED had caused me to not have interest in anything at all. I didn't like the thoughts of communicating and socializing with people, the thought of gaming - which I previously loved and I wasn't even interesting in watching TV or Youtube. Not one thing could keep me engaged but I found the anime that I loved. 

There was just so many messages I consumed in the anime. I just want to mention the main character, Tanjiro, who never ever gave up. He kept trying through battles. When no one thought he could build strength, he kept trying and proving them wrong. He had power and skills and pushed to his full maximum limits I fantizied having. I admired Tanjiro. He motivated me to push to my full limits and keep trying when I feel like giving up or have the mentality I can't try anymore. I genuinely admire anyone who keeps trying, fighting and stay positive because I struggle to be like that. I didn't want to idolize Tanjiro because Jesus does even better than he could. Tanjiro is fictional, God isn't. So I started to think about how Jesus suffered and kept trying and used it as a motivation to copy those traits.

I had a good mindset today until it all flipped over and went downhill.

Words from your closest loved ones hurt the most.

I don't want to state the person who told me this on this day but they had told me 'I caused all of this'. They also said other hurtful things that concluded to them telling me anorexia is all my fault and all the family breakfalls. They said I caused all the hospital visits and stress. These words were already words I beat myself up with everyday they'd be a family argument or everyday I would feel weak. I always hated myself as I felt the whole Anorexia was my fault even thought I had no idea what a ED was before I got one. I didn't know the risks of a ED too. I didn't even control it, it started to control me. Even though I knew all these things I still managed to beat myself up everyday for causing the ED and the last thing I needed to hear was a loved one tell me this. I consumed that statement they told me and started despising myself. It's hard to explain but those words broke me.

I tried to remind myself of reasons why the ED wasn't my fault as a way to cope with the guilt as I was feeling. I remembered how: I never intended in becoming underweight; I was barely educated on eating disorders; I didn't know loose this much weight- I didn't even know not eating enough could take away your period and make u ill .mess up with your heart and blood. I was just a girl who, after coming back from Nigeria, felt so insecure and even hated how I looked on my birthday. I stayed up doing face exercises and had no appetite the day before to look good for my birthday to only end up despising the weight I gained on my face. It caused me to hate myself especially the fat on my face. It was my face that I mostly cared about. I searched up how to loose face fat and nothing worked only for someone to tell me I had to loose the whole body fat I had. At first,  I cared a bit about my body but not as much as I cared for my face; I felt I'd sacrifice it for a slimmer face. Then I thought I'd do gym on Fridays as I wasn't allowed to work out. When I didn't see anything I thought I should resort to having one meal as I didn't really like breakfast  anyway and never had a appetite in school. Therefore, I thought I should have one big 'cheat' meal after school. However, that would lead to me eating a lot of snacks during walking home or after the meal as I was still hungry. All of a sudden, I was doing research leading to me having a healthy meal instead as they said it'll take away the craving of sweets and snacks. It just kept going and next thing I knew I was consuming every diet culture advice and did a lot of walking and gym, I felt I was doing a good thing even though I was undereating unconsciously as I didn't count calories yet. I wasn't sure what a calorie was until I learnt and started tracking . I had no idea what I was doing to my body. It all happened so quick. I have no idea. I never starved myself the whole day I just restricted. Then it grew to fear. Then this happened.

It's all a lot to explain. It's very hard to put into words.

But as a way to simplify everything, I wanted control and the ED took over. 

 A loved one basically telling me I signed up for all this suffering broke me because I knew If I could go back in time knowing all the harm, I would  do things completely different.

I would have opened up to my parents about how I felt insecure about my fat and asked to start working out again.  I never wanted or intended to loose this much weight but now I have it's harder to want to go back. If I never exposed myself to a underweight body I wouldn't have cared as much. I started to grow comfortable and pretty in my slim body when I never fixated on my body previously, only my face.

It was so difficult to gain weight back. It was hard mentally and physically. My stomach was shrunk and my brain had no appetite so it was hard to fit food in.

I spent the day with regret but  still didn't use that regret as motivation to change things around. I didn't change my habits for the rest of the day as I felt too sad and full. It's so ironic, we hate what the ED has done and 'regret' everything but we don't make things right the next days by going all in. I am saying we as I relate.

It's due to the obsession.