OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

6th of September 2023 entry.

📝06/09/2023.

One can't relapse their ED secretly and expect not to be caught.

It will show on the scale.

It will show mentally.

It will show physically.

What I mean is if one relapses, going back to being controlled by the eating disorder, and has physical observations every week with their professionals that help them recover from an ED (for me it was CAMHS) they'd know if you had been eating according to the meal plan. The scale is your snitch. It will show if you've lost weight which wouldn't happen if you were obedient towards the professionals. The last thing you want is to loose weight when already malnourished as you'd become weaker, more depressed and back to stage 1. I am talking from experience.

On the 6th of September, when I was back from holiday knowing I had been undereating again,  I visited CAMHS for the first time in what seemed like forever.

I was very nervous because I had already been feeling guilt and hatred for falling back into my unhealthy habits.

They had weighed me to find out I had lost 1.2 kg in 2 whole weeks. They were very confused and disbelieved as before the holiday, I was going in the right direction.

I could see their disappointment in their face and my mothers and my heart dropped. I was so confused how I could get out of this.

I didn't know if I should confess that I may have relapsed or if I should act clueless and lie.
Keep in mind, I told myself I wouldn't lie anymore.

My mum was so confused as she told CAMHS I always tell the truth therefore, if I was undereating she would have expected me to come to her and tell her. She expressed how she set back in telling me to eat and checking if I'm doing the meal plan as her and my dad trust me so much to be obedient. 

They were wrong.

I admitted to CAMHS that I had not been doing the snacks and their was a lot of physical activity when we were in holiday however, I never admitted I had been choosing the lowest calorie options in restaurants I had gone to. 

When they had heard about the physical activity, they warned me I underestimate how much my body burns and if I were to be moving a lot, I had to make up for it by eating more. They told me that I am damaging my body which is already damaged.

I sat there and absorbed everything they had said to realize that I don't even trust myself to be responsible. If I had no one to prompt me and remind me to do recovery properly, I felt I would just fall back again. This meant, I wasn't fully recovering for myself yet.

I also had no proper explanation for why I did what I did. 

I felt I could have stopped the ED being in control making me think If it was my control instead.

I was so confused why I kept pursuing the habit of undereating.

I knew one trigger that caused me to undereat is if I knew  people around me skipped a meal. It would make me want to be like them to. To have a sense of control. However, I hated this mentality as no one should be to blame. I am recovering and they aren't.

I don't know why I felt to do what I did.

My dad was so upset and opened up to me how he lost trust in me. He told me that I am damaging myself and need to stop with this unhealthy habit.

Whenever someone would talk to me, I would take it in but I realized this time round, something felt different. I just felt numb.

I felt insensible about the whole situation.

Where was my emotions?