OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

15th of December 2023 entry.

📝15/12/2023.

As I had informed you readers previously, my dad and I had formerly made a negotiation of me implementing a smoothie into my meal plan. The smoothie was meant for me to drink in addition to completing my meal plan; this would obviously mean I would have to be increasing my calorific requirement in a day.

It had been about a month since I had been moderately living to obedience to that agreement. When we went the CAMHS for my physical observations the week before, my results were amazing; my weight had increased additionally, my blood pressure and heart rate weren't as low as it would be typically. It was nice to see how proud my parents and the people that were assigned to me in CAMHS were, they were seeing improvements physically and mentally. The very fact I was journaling less, emphasized how I was healing.

However, fear started to build up inside of me. As mentioned before I said I had been moderately obedient in the past month. I say this as before I would have a whole 750ml of the smoothie throughout the day; I would have 250ml with my breakfast, 250ml with my lunch and so on for dinner. This was constructively adding more calories to my diet. That habit eased as I started to become lazy of portioning the smoothie into 3 occasions, I was growing complacency due to my successful physical observations and lastly frightened of how much sugar I may had been consuming- I still feared natural sugar. Consequently, It went from me drinking 750ml a day, to 250ml a day to completely avoiding the smoothie-  'forgetting' to buy it in our weekly grocery shopping.

It is ironic how we are scared to eat some of the foods we fear as we worry it might do something bad to our health or make us fat when the real danger is avoiding food, starving, not eating all the macros we need. I was intimidated by the smoothie fearing the sugar in it when the smoothie had so much vitamins in it that I lacked from my malnourishment and not to mention the sugar was all natural; not a single free sugar was included. So why was I fearing something that had such a good function in my body.

This fear of the smoothie had caused me to find comfort once again in movement. Compulsive movement had made a return.

I kept moving. In the morning breaks in work, the time people who were even healthy would choose to snack, I abused the time to go on a rapid walk. When it was lunch break, I would eat my lunch, force myself to sit down for the whole hour we we were given but all of a sudden I am outside jogging. In my afternoon break, I was moving. I was obeying a dominant leader in my head that was telling me to get up and walk. I became a slave to the voice. The voice was telling me I was doing the right thing and not disobeying CAMHS or my parents who banned me from exercise as jogging and walking did not count.

I was so oblivious, clueless, dumb. 

When I went for my physical observations after a week of compulsive movement and avoiding the smoothie and being deceitful to my father, to find out I had lost 1kg.

1kg in a week.

Mad.

This was a threat to my health and body as it had already suffered a lot and had a absence of menstruation.

My parents were so disappointed to the extent they would not talk to me. I was disappointed in me. I had promised myself December was going to be a liberal, content month where I attempt to go all in. I broke a promise I had to myself.

My parents had lost my trust and I had lost my own trust. How can people trust someone if the person doesn't even trust themself. What if the person is being controlled and isn't really themself? What if the person is vulnerable?

This book and my recovery journey isn't a typical linear story, it was an ongoing cycle of me recovering, relapsing, getting myself back up then falling back down again. My recovery looked like a diagram of a alternative current. My body was constantly getting to a healing point then getting damaged again.

I had so much guilt whenever I had bad appointments, whenever my weight would go down, whenever my parents looked heartbroken. I felt horrible as my dad had done so much for me, he bought me the smoothie and all the foods I didn't fear to support my recovery every single time. My dad never questioned if I was doing the meal plan or implementing the smoothie as he had so much confidence in me; the last thing my dad would think is of me deceiving him.

Obedience to eating disorder voice seemed to be a coping mechanism even when I could not identify it was being a voice from my eating disorder. It would tell me to move or not eat or to avoid things and whenever I would feel hungry, or exhausted I would feel good. However, the end result would be me feeling weak which I despised, sick which I hated, and lonely which I feared. My parents and CAMHS being let down was something I could not bare- so why did I keep on having relapses if I knew how it would end up? 

I detested how everything would end up after I lose weight again in recovery to restore weight and I detested how my parents would loose trust in me every single time.  However, something would keep dragging me forth to do the habits that caused those occurrences. It was laziness more than fear.

In result of everything, I felt horrible. Depressed. The thought of food made me feel sick even thought it was what I needed to consume to fix all the problems I had caused.

I started to struggle going to bed at night. When the night hit, I always thought about how I had all the resources and support I needed to recover but still screw things up. I always thought about how I didn't feel like myself and was scared of who is in control of me. I always thought about how my dad begged me to try recover before Christmas as his Christmas gift. I felt like I had already failed him but Christmas  was in 10 days therefore, I still had time to make things right. When one relapsed, it is never too late for them to pick themself back up.  

I just had faith I would be better by the time It was my sisters birthday, Christmas and my birthday.