OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

17th of September 2023 entry.

📝17/09/2023.

This day had to be one of the worst days of my life.

No joke.

My mental health was horrible this day.

Not to add, on this day I had to pretend to be happy as it was the day my sister was moving to University; she was already there but my family were going to help her move all her stuff in. It was her day and the last thing I wanted to do was steal her spotlight or happiness. I didn't want my family to focus on me as they had been for the past months due to mental health; my sister deserved all the focus. Last thing I wanted was to make the day about Debby again.

I woke up already feeling so down for some random reason- it was nothing to do with my sister not being home. I was also in such physical pain- I felt my body was giving up when I got out of bed.

I got ready and didn't tell anyone.

My dad went off to drive to my sisters university and he left me and my younger sister to wait for my mum to arrive home from work to take us there. Before he had left, he had told us that since it's afternoon, after helping our sister we might all eat out and have lunch together. I obviously logged this into my brain and started mentally deciding what I would get that wouldn't make me scared.

Later on, my mum had returned from a stressful hard shift at work. It was very odd as she randomly commanded me to pack lunch as we're going to be in the city my sisters university was for a long time and I won't have time to have lunch. I informed her that no one else is packing lunch as we're all going to eat out and she got very angry with me telling me it's always good to have a back up. Therefore, I got frustrated how she randomly shouted at me and it wasn't in the back of my mind thta she probably had a horrible shift at the hospital. I started packing my lunch with a scrambled head as she slammed the door and went to the car, I felt sad whilst packing the lunch as I didn't want to be seen as the different one eating a pack lunch as my family all eats lunch. I heard the door open and my mum shouted at me to hurry up; I don't remember how it happened but we studently her voice became extra loud and we started arguing.

She had raised her voice loudly at me and told me I'm so different and difficult. That if I didn't have a ED I wouldn't be having to pack a lunch. I felt frustrated as I thought she had wanted me to pack a lunch but all of a sudden, it annoys her that I'm doing it. She said some horrible comments to me but the one that hit and stuck with me was when she exclaimed to me that 'I am the cause of anorexia, I signed up for it so I should be proud and deal with the consequences'. (she also said another comment that I am not comfortably with sharing as I now know she regrets it, she loved me and it was out of anger. It's hard to be a parent with a different child).

When my mum made that comment she left and slammed the door.

She had told me something an anorexic would never want to hear or believe.

She had informed me that I was the cause when it was already something I believed and beat myself up about everyday.

She had told me what I tell myself every night.

She had said all the opposite things my positive affirmations tell me that I would recite every morning.

She had said these things to me when I was already in a bad state of mind in the morning and masking it.

She had told me the things I thought satan would always tell me; things that caused me to hate what I am and did.

She had told me these things when I had a knife in my hand that was used for cutting the sandwich I was making.