OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

26th of September 2023 entry.

📝26/09/2023.

On this very morning, I woke up feeling amazing.

It had been one week without feeling upset. I felt I was finally feeling contented. However, one learns a new lesson everyday; I I learnt that a lot of bad minor events can lead to someone exploding without knowing the rage or overwhelmingness was bubbling up.

It started when I was at work- as known I had my apprenticeship. I had a lot of work to do. I am the type of person that doesn't let work assigned build up; I do not procrastinate nor do I postpone times I would do my work. Whenever I have work assigned, I do it that day and if not the next. Therefore, that is what I was doing. I was satisfied with the report I had done and the time frame it took me to do it considering most of my colleagues had not even started however, my work disappeared. Everything was gone. I had come to the acceptance that It had probably been deleted however, when I went to the bin and recovered the work, everything was blank. At this time was not aware of the other way to recover work. Despite all of this being annoying, I felt I wasn't that negatively affected by that but soon came to realize later in the day, I probably was.

A lot of other annoying minor things happened but I brushed everything off as it barely bothered me.

It was when I was making my way home scrolling on instagram to realize a guy I used to speak to but turned out being a close friend had blocked me for no absolute reason.

I was so surprised and upset because not only was it random as we had been texting a couple days before normally but he was also someone who valued me. He made me feel he was so in love with me even in times where I felt nothing back. He would make me feel that I am the most beautiful girl in the world before my ED. He would talk to everyone about me and people would tell me how obsessed he is.

He was someone that I would always play games with, giggle with and go out with. We would spend days ruining our sleep schedule to talk to each other. We would make dumb future scenarios of how we would be. Not only this hurt me but what stabbed me most was the fact he was one of the few people that checked on me when I was on my weakest point despite him knowing at the time. On the bad days because of my anorexia, he would text me coincidently and I would end up actually opening up to him about some struggles I had in life and how I had lost all my strength. I would tell him a lot but never actually tell him I was suffering with a eating disorder. Yet, in spite of him not knowing I had a eating disorder, he would give me amazing tips and motivation that helped me with my situation. He knew a lot about me and my struggles but then he randomly blocks me after texting me 2 days before that he loves my company after we met up.

This action made me meditative on so many other things due to be being a overthinker.

I started reflecting on our meet up. I was wondering if I did or said anything weird that put him off. I was wondering if my weight loss was ugly as many people stopped complimenting after I lost weight. I started thinking what I could have done better but I would then be puzzled as he texted me after the meet up that he had fun.

I then started overthinking on other stuff outside me and his situation. I started to think about other friends I had made. Friends from school, where were they? No one from my secondary school had texted me or checked up on me. I started remembering when I had a seizure in prom and only two people cared when my other close friends acted nonchalant careless. I started to think how even those two people had not been texting me anymore. I even thought of all the adults that had found out about my ED and had said they'll support me but only did it for the first 2 or so days then left. I thought how so many people would make me feel they cared for me so much and I would end up dumbly opening up to them believing they would stay and be with me only for them to either use it against me in the future, ignore me or leave.