OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

11th of June 2023 entry.

📝11/06/2023.

Whenever it was a good day, It would only be temporary.

I cried this day.

It started off being an amazing day where I felt content but near the end I felt that very overwhelmed and disheartened. Therefore, I believed whenever it was a good day, I shouldn't hold my hopes high because I believed it was only a short term feeling and would make a turn.

As humans we seem to always loose faith in things whether it's loosing faith in a partner, family member or friend. I lost faith in happiness. I believed I'd never feel joy again and if I would, it wouldn't last; it would never be peace. In other words, this means I lost faith in God who brings contentment as I lost hope (Romans 15:13 ~ May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope).

Romans declares that God is the giver of  hope, joy and peace- things I fully believed I couldn't have with anorexia. Yo u and I just need to have faith in God, with that faith we can receive these amazing emotions PERMANATLY.

Let me start by telling you why I felt happy.

I felt so much gratitude in the morning because it was Sunday meaning I had church and could give thanks to my lord and savior. I started my day very spiritually and set off to go to church. When I went to church a family friend, who my mum informed of me being 'unwell', had bought me a gift. She told me after church she'd give me the gift. Me, being the overthinker I am, got very anxious that the gift might be sweets or food, especially ones that I fear. I let this play on my mind when I should have been praising God. You see, anorexia really messes up ones brain, this is why it's a mental illness. Anyways, after church I had received my amazing gift consisting of a beautiful black marble mug and milo (a vitamin hot chocolate/ malt powder). What stood out to me was the amazing message on the mug saying 'With God all things are possible (Matthew 19:) and the lovely note she wrote me that motivated me to eat. She mentioned how she's unaware of what I have but has noticed weight loss. She assumed it's stress from exams and she just reminded me to fuel and look after myself with nutritious food and self care.

This present made my day. I loved sweet sugary tea so much in the past and the mug motivated me to face the fear of sugar and make tea for myself just like how I used to enjoy it. The mug could be seen as a average gift for others but for me it was a heartwarming gift and the letter made it better. The message on the mug was a umph of motivation to keep recovering and to never relapse, it reminded me God can help through all my mental situations and could turn my insecurities to confidence. It let me know God will make my recovery journey easy and successful as 'with God all things are possible'. And yes, she gave me hot chocolate powder but her intentions behind it was perfect, she mentioned how it helped her children get energy and build appetites, I appreciated it as she felt maybe I didn't have a appetite due to stress- which is partly right.

But then my emotions changed when I got emotional later on in the day and cried.

I don't know if it's because since I had this mental illness I've been extra emotional, but I'll inform you why I cried and leave it up to you to decide.

My sister hurt my feelings unintentionally when she asked me why I eat so differently from the rest of the family. She mentioned how I never used to be like that and I'm different from the rest of the family now. Everything she said was true, so that's not what hurt me. I hurt myself as I began to reminisce on the old me who didn't care about food not even knowing what a calorie was. I remembered how happy I was. That was one thing that got me emotional, also the fact that I had to constantly eat 3 meals a day in able to heal and I was finding it very laborious. Despite the fact the food was healthy and small portions I still found it difficult as I was always full- never having a appetite. 

I had a mental breakdown and just cried. I could never explain the emotions I felt as they were always very perplexing. I just found living life and healing so hard. But of course, someone took those feelings away.

The feelings my dad couldn't take away after I opened up to him and he comforted me.

The feelings my sisters couldn't take away after I opened up to them both and they cuddled me.

I was still very insatiable after opening up to my family. Nonetheless, when I opened up to God in my altar- which was the guest room. He stayed with me and comforted me until my negative emotions was no more. 

The lord can comfort you guys in times when you feel no one else can. When you feel unpleased, depressed, lonely please plead to him and he will be with you. Psalm 34:17 says "The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles."

As you can see it mentions 'righteous' therefore, make sure you are being a good person and acting according to his law (10 commandments and his will (read the bible). If your reading this now and you're unsure how to be righteous or plead to the lord please contact me on Instagram at @Debzshh.

The lord was really good to me and still is; in the morning when the ambulance came into our house at 4am, he was shocked at how low my blood pressure was and said anyone with my heartrate would have been in hospital, faint or maybe even worse. But me, I was standing up living and still am, I woke up every morning, and still do. God was protecting me and my family but just know Romans 9:18 states that the lord chooses who he has mercy on, on whoever he wants.

 I'm just glad he was showing mercy to me.