OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

29th of June 2023 entry.

📝29/06/2023- we shouldn't rely on others to help us eat.

TRIGGER WARNING, THIS TALKS ABOUT WHAT I ATE IN A DAY. SOME MAY FIND TRIGGERING AS IT WAS SMALL BUT NOTE THAT NOW IN RECOVERY WHILST I'M WRITING THIS, I EAT WAY MORE THAN THIS SO DON'T TAKE INSPO.

-----

In the morning, I broke what I told myself I would do the day before.

 As written in the last chapter, I felt so much guilt that I had told myself that I would only eat fruits and vegetables the next day. Well I'm sure a mini Costco pain au chocolate and a coffee with sugar for breakfast isn't fruits. Not only was pain au chocolates one of my biggest fear foods but sugar was as well. I don't know why I decided to face a fear food when I felt guilty the day before. I guess I did it because normally I would restrict or eat less the  next day and I knew the only way to beat anorexia was disobeying the thoughts it comes with. So yes I had 2 fear foods for breakfast but I do not regret it one bit. Why? Because I felt no single guilt after. Maybe I didn't feal guilt because it was small and didn't fill me up or make me feel sluggish but either way I faced a fear comfortably and was proud.

For lunch, I wanted to eat something that would make me feel good and nourished therefore I had a salad and to balance it with protein and fat, I added avocado and tuna. At that point avocado was a fear food for me as people would call it a healthy fat- the word 'fat' made me shy away from it but I slowly wanted to build a better relationship with it and spoiler alert! future me has avocado every single day! Anyway, I felt a bit upset because the salad was honestly what I think I wanted as: it's refreshing; healthy and I like tuna, but my mum had got upset with me when she saw me with the salad. She told me off as she felt the salad was too small and doesn't have enough in it and because I didn't want to make her upset or bothered, I had 1/4 of  the can my sisters Heinz ravioli. I rushed it as I felt pressured to eat for my mum and not for myself so I forgot to actually enjoy the meal and felt horrible afterwards. I felt I ate something I didn't want to and that I didn't need to as I had the salad already. I also felt irritated as I burnt my mouth with the ravioli but I seemed to find comfort with that feeling of the burn. It calmed me down. (this is toxic, please don't do this).

Then, for dinner I had a tiny portion of rice. That's it. It was like once I ate something I felt was 'bad' I'd restrict again. If you do this, we must stop. I no longer, whilst writing this, do this (thanks to God). 

I wouldn't call this day a relapse however I feel like it was something similar but of course way more minor. My mum confirmed this thought even more when she asked me if I was going backwards in recovery. I guess this was common though as I was recovering by myself with no medical help however, I was praying to God to give me the best medical help I can. Since he knows the past and the presence I relied on him on whatever happens and asked him that this all moves in the right direction. I did feel like I was going backwards this day thought which is definitely not what God wants; my portions were way smaller than usual this day, which was shocking as I was already having small portions; I didn't add any dressing or seasonings to my meal; I restricted a lot and had no single snack this day. This day was just sad especially because everything I ate was healthy and a small portion but still managed to feel so guilty.

 Anorexia is so so confusing. It makes you fear something that's good for you, that fuels you, that keeps you alive, that gives you strength, that makes you happy, that builds your bonds with people and more.

I then reflected later on on why I felt such guilt. I then came to realize it's because I felt bad externally leading to me feeling bad mentally. I felt like I saw a bit of weight added onto me. I'm not sure if it was because my body dysmorphia was returning or if it's because I generally did gain weight but either way it was no reason for me to restrict. Our body fluctuate, it can never always be the same weight. If we as anorexics gain weight, it isn't meant to be be viewed as a bad thing but rather a good thing as it's a sign we are healing and getting stronger.

To remove these bad thoughts from my head, I tried to find why I felt upset and reversed the thoughts in my head. I also finally  un downloaded TikTok as my mentor had told me to as I had told him relied on it to help me eat. I'd watch others eating to help me eat but in the future I can't always rely on them can I? We can't rely on others to help us eat as people are unreliable, some have higher metabolisms than us, some work out, some people leave. What if the person you're relying on to help you eat, doesn't eat? What would you do, not eat too? That's why I removed TikTok off my phone, I didn't want to rely on people who can not always be there but instead God told me to rely on him instead. He told me, he won't heal me from anorexia fully until I make the sacrifice which is to stop idolizing TikTok but start prioritizing him more. I obeyed and deleted it. Think if you are doing the same. 

I didn't want TikTok to be my coping mechanism when I felt guilt but instead I wanted God to be. God can never leave, he's immortal. 

TikTok could be extinct any day.

People die.

God never dies.