OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

28th of June 2023 entry.

📝28/06/2023.

We went to Costco today.

I felt kind of anxious when being informed we were going to Costco because last time my family went, I had many samples of food, not to mention their very greasy pizza. The thought I was going to a place surrounded with food made me anxious. However, on the very day, when we were going to Costco, that anxiety disappeared.

When we arrived there, I was very hungry. I was lowkey glad when the sample people weren't there, I'm still not sure why. When walking around Costco, I had exposure to so many American and cultured food that looked delicious. There was burritos, rice bowls, queso, sushi, wraps, burgers, everything therefore, I really wanted so many of those foods but restricted myself, telling myself I can't as 'they're bad and I don't know the calorie info'. But remember the saying, 'there's no such thing as good or bad food, some may be more nutritional than others, but it doesn't matter'.

So your probably wondering why I mentioned calories,  you see I still count calories and opt for the lowest calories. It's honestly so hard to let go of counting calories. I still plan my meals thoroughly and do research on the more nutritional ones and opt for those, which is fine but there's a point where it gets too toxic and I'm at that stage. I would spend half of my day researching calories, limiting them, fearing them when they are simply just a number. It needed to be let go of.

Yes, I even still overthink what I might eat, what time I must eat it. But on the bright side, I guess  it's good that I'm expecting m self to eat as I was used to the 3x a day pattern. However, eating 3x a day alone was overwhelm for me, my stomach had not adjusted yet. Also, my brain hadn't as  I still feared gaining even though my life was at risk. I looked in the mirror this day to witness how my sharp jawline was fading a bit and I felt I had added a bit of belly fat. Instead of seeing this as gaining life and a achievement I felt bad. However, I always tried to cancel out those thoughts with affirmations telling myself it's healthy weight and reminding myself why I need to gain in the first place.

To simply live.

To also mention, before we went to Costco, we went to the dentist where I got these blue sponges implanted into the gaps of my top back molars to prep my teeth for my braces palate expanders. Therefore, the dentist told me eating will hurt a bit and informed me not to have sugar, sticky stuff and et c- one would be upset but of course I felt a bit happy as I had an excuse not to eat some things. I also used it later on as an excuse not to eat a sweet my mum offered to me as well as the snack my sister offered to me (I knew damn well the real reason I didn't want those snacks was because of the very reason of me fearing sugar). Overall, I was glad the dentist said I couldn't eat sweet and now reflecting I see how toxic this is especially because the foods I was offered, I once loved but never wanted to have them again. It's sad because whenever I have a good day I tell myself I don't have a ED anymore but this day I was reminded that I still struggle with the mental health disease. 

This day I really felt like relapsing but I remembered how once God gracefully started to heal me, I shouldn't reverse anything; if I want to save myself I shouldn't relapse therefore, I didn't. The best word to explain my emotions this day was messy. I felt confused, guilty, trapped and moody. Not to talk about how the chest pains, that I thought had left, had returned and it annoyed me how the excruciating pain would not leave. Not only the physical pain but the mental pain ad I battled with myself. I really did not want to eat as when I did, I'd feel the food sitting in my stomach and that was the most annoying, uncomfortable feeling for me. It was like being reminded that I ate constantly forcing guilt to overtake me and it always bought back body dysmorphia as I felt bloated and chubby in the face. 

Therefore, I planned to just eat fruits the next day. Now journaling  I know I shouldn't have told myself to restrict the next day because as a teenager on holiday, I should be free to eat whatever I want and simply not care. 

WE SHOULD simply not care.