OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

Entries.

Insomnia.

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With these following entries, when examined properly, one would realize the symptoms' of refeeding started to occur for me. This shows not only anorexia is horrible but anorexia recovery. It really isn't worth having anorexia in the first place at all. Not saying it is intentional as I didn't even know what Anorexia was until I was diagnosed with it; I didn't know I was harming my body and it went out of control.

There's various things that are horrible in Anorexia recovery. Most of the things I experienced in the period of these entries caused me insomnia- recovery and anorexia was the cause. But it's all part of the recovery experience; we need to go through the small battles in recovery in able to be better at the end. It's all worth it.

It reminds me of what my pastor said:

'When a pregnant woman's pain gets worse due to the bearing of a child, is when she's closer to deliverance to create a beautiful baby'. 

It's the same concept. Recovery is going to be painful for some people like it is for me mentally and physically. However, the pain would last and we will recover and live a beautiful life.

📝04/07/2023.

'Chill being productive.

Doing meal plan but a bit under.

Recently I've been thinking about food to much but today I'm fine.'

Firstly, as you can see in most entries i entered, I always fantasied over being productive. Productivity felt mandatory and compulsive. I felt horrible If I wasn't productive; I'd beat myself up and my low self esteem would kick in.

I only was and am currently only nice to myself if I felt/feel pretty or was/am productive which is very wrong as I'd never treat another human being that way. The only difference now is I'm trying to work with that mindset as I know myself as an induvial that doesn't care for peoples appearances, I'd honestly act nice towards a being whether they looked good or not. Undoubtedly, everyone has beauty in my eyes as I see everyone as Gods wonderful creation. I've never viewed anyone ugly in my eyes as it just never crosses my mind that they could be ugly. I believe I am just genuine and kind towards anyone because for me appearance is irrelevant and doesn't determine how one deserves to be treated.

So what is stopping me from viewing myself like that? God made me too. I deserve to be nice to myself too. You deserve to be nice to yourself too.

Why the frick is appearance so significant in this generation. God made us and his handwork is amazing, anything he touches is amazing. We are amazing. Plus, we're all going to die eventually so why do we care. It irritates me as our mindsets have ruined our lives. It's ruined my life as well as my families.

Yes, my anorexia ruined my families wellbeing too.

Another thing I mentioned in this entry is that I ate under my meal plan. 

I didn't do this because I feared weight gain but I was too lazy to eat or think of something else to increase my intake to meet the meal plans requirement. It was pure laziness and hatred of feeling full.

My mindset at this point was 'Fullness= Stop trying and eating' when realistically our fullness in recovery is unreliable as we only feel full because out stomach hasn't adjusted but our body still needs more fuel and nourishment. This is not only to heal us but to also make our body grow a habit of digesting more food. Therefore, eating past fullness benefits out bodies in the long run. Your future self would be grateful for you pushing past fullness and still eating more in the past.