OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

7th of September 2023 entry.

📝07/08/2023.

My relapse continued to lead me to consequences.

I was still feeling numb and careless.

Well that's what I thought until I had an endoscopy.

At first I feared having this endoscopy as on the leaflet it mentioned very scary risks.

It mentioned risks like:

'Bleeding'.

'Infections'.

'Reaction, anesthesia.

'Tearing of gastrointestinal tract'.

I didn't understand these things, I despised seeing words I didn't understand.

My fear also grew when I witnessed the nurse examining me with worried written all over her face. She then went to discuss with a doctor, who was more educated, that she felt she couldn't do the method of endoscopy they planned to do with me as the injection could have a huge impact of my health as I'm already weak.

I didn't like how I made the doctors worried. 

I didn't like how people saw me as weak.

I didn't like how I was weak and even weaker due to my relapse.

But I hated how I was there in the first place, for an endoscopy all because I had constipation, acid reflux, unreliable bowels and a messed up digestive system due to Anorexia.

I hated how Anorexia bought me here.

I hated how even though I despised Anorexia, I always went back to the habits of the illness.

I sometimes obeyed my anorexia.

I was climbed to it.

I honestly started to hate myself; I felt I bought myself to the doctors by having this mental illness.

I felt it was all my fault. My dad had to withhold his work to take me here.

I just broke down and cried as the nurse tried to talk to me because all these thoughts were in my head along with fear and remembrance of the conversation I had with my dad on the journey to the hospital.

In that conversation my dad asked me with genuine curiosity why I had relapsed. He honestly didn't understand why and how I did it and hid it. He asked me if I even wanted to live. I was used to this question as recently my mum and dad would heap me with the question due to my relapse. They would keep asking me, 'don't you want to live' and I would always feel numb. 

In my head, I felt I was just giving up on life. 

My dad kept telling me carrying on my anorexic habits could cause me death but it would never affect me when I heard this information as I just didn't care anymore. 

I started to realise. Death didn't scare me.

I never knew an eating disorder could damage someone so bad mentally and physically.

I was about to get unconscious purposely and have a whole tube implanted inside my whole body to examine what's going on inside of me.

It's a shame the tube couldn't detect my emotions. I bet if it could, it wouldn't find anything.

I went from depressed to emotionless.

Until I hit the bed where the doctors lay me down. 

They had made me suck in and out until I passed out. 

Once I passed out they sucked the tube in me.

Don't get me  wrong, it didn't hurt, however I found myself randomly screaming and crying so loud.

I had no shame of who was around me.

It was weird. I felt no emotion or pain but I was just crying.

Was this display in my real emotion?

My eyes were blurry and watery but I saw the nurses wiping my eyes and whispering soft words to me. 

Little did they know, I wasn't crying because of the endoscopy.

I couldn't tell you why I was crying.

Maybe it was all the emotions I didn't know I had when I thought I was numb.

After the endoscopy me and my dad made up. His heart broke when he heard crying outside the hospital doors. I hadn't eaten so he took me to have brunch in McDonald's where I had porridges.

We spoke. I started laughing in public then started crying loud.

People were looking at me with pity; despite my anxiety, I didn't care.

I think the way I felt was a symptom of the endoscopy as I had to pass out.

My dad then dropped me back into my apprenticeship and for the whole day I felt numb. In my apprenticeship when I was doing something I once found interesting and fun, I would just keep zoning out and leaving. I started not to care about anything, even my career.

I felt so depressed the whole day; suicidal thoughts would keep overcrowding my brain.

I wanted everyone to be over.

When it started to get bad when I was back at home and alone. 

God then spoke to me. 

I regretfully didn't seek him this whole day but he sought me.

I am so grateful till this day for what he did- how we reached out to me.

He told me to put off the  light and worship him then pray.

I obeyed.

He then gave me permission to did cry  my heart out to him.

Then I did. 

 I prayed for the numb feeling to leave, to get my joy back.

Then I planned to wait for the results with my trust in him.