The Definition of Insanity | 𝐿𝒶𝒹𝓎 𝐿𝑒𝓈𝓈𝑜

Thirty

We soon stopped when the music changed and Calliope left to get us drinks. Gideon soon joined  me, collapsing into a chair next to me. 'God, it's really warm, isn't it?' 

'Yeah.' I nodded absentmindedly. 

'So, how's it going with Calliope?' He asked. 

'Honestly, not as bad as I expected. She's good company, as far as dates go.' I nodded. 

'And you're just here as friends still, I'm assuming?' He checked. 

'Of course. I'm not in the least bit interested in Calliope. She's beautiful and certainly skilled with a sword, but I don't do princesses, and my parent's would kill me.' I shrugged. 

She soon returned with our drinks and sat down next to us. 'Apparently there's an Evers after party in the Evers dorms.' Calliope told us. 'If you're interested.' 

'Thanks for the offer Calliope, but I'm not about to start hanging out with Evers.' I laughed. 'I honestly couldn't think of anything worse.' I looked up and suddenly saw Lesso heading our way.

'You've been hanging out with me though.' Calliope reminded me. 

Just as Lesso walked past us, I chose that moment to say, 'Well, you're different, Calliope.' I saw Lesso's eyes flicker over to me for a second but then she carried on walking. 

I looked down, feeling a momentary rush of satisfaction but also instant regret. I had clearly taken Sage's words literally when she said I could make my ex jealous. That was a low hit, even for me. 

I didn't have time to get lost in my thoughts and brood into my drink though, because Calliope pulled us back away to dance again, and I welcomed the distraction. 

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'You should have seen his face!' Calliope giggled. 

'Oh, I wish I had, that would have been my entertainment for the year!' I laughed, as I took a seat, taking my heels off. 

'I'm guessing you want to call it a night?' She said, noticing my sudden tiredness. 

'Yeah, I'm exhausted and these heels are starting to hurt.' I nodded. 'Don't get me wrong, I've had a lovely night.' 

'So did I.' She smiled. 'You're not a bad date, for a Never.' 

'I could say the same about you.' I grinned. 

'Not that I'm saying it was an actual date, I mean, you're lovely, Katherine-' She backtracked, and I held up a hand to stop her, as I laughed. 

'Calliope, relax, I know we went as friends. I was never under the illusion it was anything more.' I smiled. 

'Yeah, I know that too. I know you're still in love with your ex, so you're not going to be wanting to date at the moment.' 

My head snapped up to look at her. 'What? Has Sage said something to you?' 

'No, of course not. I noticed it myself, Katherine. She walked past earlier, and you had a face like she killed your puppy.' She threw me a look. 

I frowned. 'I so did not.' 

'It seems here like the only person you're hurting, is yourself.' She gave me a sad smile. 'You need to find a way to move on and heal.' 

I knew she was right. I was just torturing myself by holding on to the past and what me and Lesso used to have. 

Calliope soon left after saying goodnight, and I decided it was time to head for bed. Sage was still dancing with her date, so I decided to head up alone so I'd get some quiet for hopefully an hour or so. 

The journey back up to my dorm was pretty easy when I wasn't wearing my heels anymore and I got there faster than I thought. I headed into the room, throwing my shoes into a corner and laid on my bed diagonally, staring up at the ceiling.  I muttered a quick spell to make my favourite starry lights appear on the ceiling, and I sighed in contentment. 

There was a knock on my door and I lifted my head up. I hadn't locked the door, so it couldn't be Sage, without her keys. 

I sat up. 'Yes?!' 

The door opened and Lesso walked in. I instantly tensed, standing up. 

'Hi, is this a bad time?' She asked awkwardly. 

'Erm, no?' I managed. 'What's up?' I walked over to my dresser, holding onto the back of my chair for support, as the pain in my chest became noticeable.

'I haven't spoken to you all night.' She started. 

I frowned at her in the reflection of the mirror. 'I'm pretty sure I can survive you not talking to me for a whole evening.' 

'Yes, I noticed; you seemed quite happy with your date.' 

I raised an eyebrow, turning to face her. 'Meaning?' 

'Is there something going on between you and Calliope?' She asked, her blue eyes piercing mine. 

I laughed, turning back to my mirror. 'No. Why do you ask?' 

'Just curious.' 

'Is there something going on between you and Professor Dovey?' I shot back.

She seemed genuinely surprised by my question. 'No, of course not.' 

I hummed in response. 

'You look beautiful, if you don't mind me saying.' She spoke up again. 

I couldn't stop myself smiling. 'Thanks.' 

She walked over, until she was right behind me in the mirror. 'I mean it, you look amazing.' 

I closed my eyes, fighting against the overwhelming rush of emotions that threatened to knock me off my feet and sweep me away with the tide. It was all too much for me. Her lips pressed against my shoulder, making me jump a little, but I welcomed the sensation; I'd missed her lips so much. 

I didn't move, which she took as a hint to continue, as she lightly kissed my shoulder, sweeping my hair to one side so she could move her lips to my neck. Her kisses burned into my skin, so familiar and amazing, yet painful. 

I still love you. 

As soon as I thought it, I nearly regretted it, it was like a cold shock when plunging into freezing water. 'Please, don't.' I hated how my voice broke. 

She instantly stopped and I opened my eyes, turning to face her. 

'Katherine-'

'Please, just don't. I can't do this. I'd like you to leave.' I said, avoiding her oceanic eyes. 

She nodded once. 'Okay. If that's really what you want.' 

'Yeah, it is.' I confirmed, turning away. 

I didn't realise she'd left until I heard my door close with a firm bang. 

I turned to the closed door, letting out a scream of pain and frustration through gritted teeth. Part of me wanted to run after her, tell her the truth about how I felt, and to stop denying myself the one thing I really wanted. But it would possibly have been a stupid thing to do since she likely didn't want me back. 

I couldn't allow myself to get hurt again; the very fact that I'd just mentally acknowledged that I still loved her was a huge mistake. It was just like handing someone a sword and trusting them not to run you through with it. 

I had to put myself first for once and put my guard back up. The past few months I'd let her get under my skin again and back into my heart, but it didn't change what had happened. We were beyond fixing, no matter how much Sage tried to convince me we weren't.