How are you my mum?

36. Opening up

TW- PANIC ATTACK, TALKS OF ABUSE AND SEXUAL ABUSE/RAPE AND SUICIDE
Im cuddling mama in our room when theres a knock on the door
Olivia-"ill get it"
I jump up and answer the door
Its rach and lessi
Rach-"hiya liv, theres battles in the gym wanted to see if you wanted to come"
"Who is it" mama calls out from the room
"Its meeeee" rach says
Keira-"hiya rach"
Rach-"well?"
Olivia-"yeah ill come two secs"
I go back to the room where mum has already taken my spot on keira
Olivia-"oh right replaced already?"
Mum nods
Olivia-"whatever, anyway im going with rach and lessi to the gym ill be back later, you two clearly need time alone" i say winking
Keira-"dont even try that one"
Lucy-"hmm ill take that offer"
Olivia-"ew ew seriously mum"
Lucy-"whatt"
Olivia-"just. Be quiet. Please"
Lucy-"of course" she says already kissing mama
I quickly leave
Olivia-"get me out"
Alessia-"we dont wanna know do we"
Olivia-"no you really dont"
We go down to the gym and see people battling over who's the strongest
Rach-"right so we have quater final, semi final, final, you have to have the ball and the end of the time to win and progress"
Olivia-"ok"
I look at the board
First im against Leah, ive been ignoring her all day, not purposely just after i was joking with her this morning i havent seen her but now. It was time to beat her
Leah-"right then, ignorer lets go"
Olivia-"ok forgetter"
Alessia-"oooo lets go"
I tuck my top in so i doesnt show my stomach
I beat Leah
She goes out of the gym
Next im against georgia
I win
She leaves
The last round is against Rach, if i win im apparently the "strongest" but i know im not
Its an even battle so far, most people are bored so theyve got to the games room
Its only Lessi in there watching
Halfway through, i notice my top coming out but i try to ignore it as its still tucked in
But then
Rach flips me to get the ball and my top comes up
I see Lessi and Rach's eyes go down to my stomach, they saw them
I let go of the ball and run out the gym
Im so embarrassed
They saw my scars, pretty much all of them
I run back to the room, having a panic attack
I cant open the door so i just sit outside and bang it
Mum opens it
Im sat against it i just fall back
Lucy-"liv? What happened babygirl, sit up breathe"
I cant move
Lucy-"can i?" She says as she goes to pick me up
I dont make any movements
She holds my arms, i flinch a bit but she holds me tight and i melt into the touch
Lucy-"breathe, in and out copy me"
She puts my hand on her chest
Lucy-"shshsh"
My breathing slows down
Lucy-"come here"
She picks me up and carries me into the room
Lucy-"what happened"
Olivia-"m...m..mmy top come up r..r..rach and lessi saw"
Keira-"its okay baba, weve got you, your safe now"
Olivia-"t..t..they saw mum, they saw" i say sobbing "theyll think im weird"
Lucy-"nonono, no they wont, they have 2 of the most caring hearts"
I shake my head and cry
Rachel's pov-
Rach-"SHIT LESS"
We run out the gym trying to find Olivia, she knows we saw her scars, we dont judge her were just worried
Alessia-"she was having a panic attack rach, i saw her grabbing at her top"
Rach-"i know i know less"
Alessia-"would she of gone back to lucy and keira"
Rach-"i dont know"
Alessia-"what about leah?"
Rach-"try leah first, she might not of wanted to go back to her mums"
We try Leah
Rach-"leah is liv with you?"
Leah-"no werent she with you?"
Rach-"yeah thanks"
We leave not answering questions
Rach-"we'll have to try lucys room"
Alessia-"lets go"
We run to lucys room
I knock the door
Lucy-"hiya"
Rach-"hi is Olivia in here"
Lucy-"yeah"
Alessia-"can we come in"
Lucy-"uhh"
I notice Olivia moving around the room, i call her name
Olivia's pov-
Rach-"Olivia!"
I jump, i turn my head to see Rach and Lessi standing there
I start to back up until i bash into something on the wall, i hear it snash and i scream
I remember everything about it, that sound is the exact sound when he used to smash bottles
I dont look at anyone and just run
I run to the back of the pitches
Its quiet here, no one comes here
Lucy's pov-
Olivia just ran
Lucy-"rach, lessi you should leave now we will come find you later thanks"
They leave
I dont say anything to keira and run out the door
She was meant to be safe here
With us
I know where she is
The pitches.
I run there
I see her sitting there crying
I know about her scars but ive never asked about them, she can come to me in her own time about them whenever she wants
Lucy-"liv?"
She gets up to run again but i stop her
Lucy-"liv dont run, its me, lucy"
Olivia-"m..m..mum?"
Lucy-"yeah its me babygirl im here"
Olivia-"why?"
I walk over to her sit down next to her and we leans her head on my shoulder
Lucy-"because i love you and i care about you"
Olivia-"im sorry mum"
Lucy-"dont apologise liv, why did you run?"
Olivia-"the thing smashed and i got reminded of everything and i just panicked"
Lucy-"do you wanna talk about what happened to you?"
Olivia-"no, not yet mum, im sorry im just not ready to open up to you and mama, you'll think im disgusting and judge me so im going to go and tell rach and lessi if thats ok?"
Lucy-"one me and keira would never judge you, two of course it is whoever you feel comfortable talking to babygirl"
Olivia-"i love you mum"
Lucy-"i love you too babygirl"
She snuggles into me
I cherish this moment
As much as i would like her to talk to me and kei i know what its like not wanting to open up to people who are close to you
Lucy-"come on babygirl lets go"
Olivia-"im going to find rach and lessi ok mum?"
Lucy-"please be careful olivia"
Olivia-"ok mum"
We go opposite ways and i go to kei
Keira-"she ok?"
Lucy-"yeah shes going to rach n less"
Keira-"ok baby come here"
I grab my phone and go and lay on kei
I take a photo of us
I scroll through insta
Olivia's pov-
I go to rach's room then lessi's and take them to somewhere quiet
I get really nervous about coming clean
I would love to talk to my mums about it but there to close to me for now i will at another time
Olivia-"right uh how do i put this"
Alessia-"take your time kid remember you dont have to do this"
They both look at me with worried eyes
Olivia-"right, obviously i had foster parents and it was ok until i was 5/6 when it started, he started hitting me with my foster mom videoing him, he would smash bottles to hit me with, and i wouldnt be allowed out, i was a game to him and then i..i started secondary school and if i was late home i would try and run up the stairs but just get pulled down sometimes hitting my head on the steps, i would have to use makeup to cover the bruises, the scars on my stomach are from him or... or myself, and then when i started getting older he..he raped me if i tried to say no he he would just hit me and carry on, i was just a toy to him, i feard going home and then i..i was 11 i think when obviously lessi, you know this i tried to end my life, there was to much pain i couldnt take it anymore which is why when i first come here and saw lessi i had a panic attack because she was tje only one who knew and uh..uh recently i had an overdose trying to end it again because im just a pain in everyones life with to many problems for my mums to be worried about, so yeah thats my story if you dont wanna speak to me anymore dont i wont care everyone leaves"
As i finish my sentence i tear up
Alessia wraps her arms around me and i break down
Alessia-"we would never leave you olivia thank you for talking to us"
Rach-"you are so brave olivia, you are so strong but i do have to tell you i think your mums deserve to know"
Olivia-"i know they do rach i know, i wil tell them but i..i just couldnt"
Rach-"thank you for talking us about it olivia"
Olivia-"yeah"
Alessia-"we are so sorry you had to go to that, but look at your comeback playing with england seniors and playing for man city u15s"
I smile at alessias words
They really believe im strong
Olivia-"thank you both. For listening and not leaving"
Alessia-"we would never"
I go back to my mums, i need my mum's cuddles right now
They open their arms and i jump right it
Olivia-"i love you mum's"
Lucy+Keira-"we love you more"
I fall asleep