falling for the england captain

40

we went to the hospital every day for the next few weeks.

benji hadn't gotten any better but he hadn't gotten any worse.

he was out of the incubator but still on oxygen. we had the babies lay together for some time. i managed to get a picture of them holding hands while sleeping and set it as my phone home screen.

we were also allowed to hold him. i got a picture of leah holding both babies together and set that as my lock screen.

leah was so cute with the babies. she took such good care of them and was super gentle. i didn't expect anything else from her.

we went in and saw ben.

he looked paler than normal. there were more doctors in the room. something felt off.

we came in and sat down. i held his tiny hand.
we did the same thing we always do. leah rocked alex while i stroked benjis head softly.

suddenly a monitor started beeping fast. the doctors rushed over to see what was happening.

"we need you to step away for a moment" one of them said.

"what's happening" i asked, i was confused and scared.

"please ma'am" he said. we moved out of their way.

the beeping slowed down and then flatlined.

"no" i cried.

this can't be happening. my baby. i tried to move forward to see what was happening.

a doctor was pushing on his chest trying to bring him back. leah grabbed my arm and pulled me back.

"leah" i sobbed. i clutched onto her tshirt and tears streamed down my face.

"i'm sorry. he's gone" a doctor said softly as they turned off the monitors.

"no please" i cried.

i went over to his lifeless body and stroked over his head. leah put alex back in her carrier and came to me. she hugged me tightly as i cried into her chest.

"my baby. my baby is gone" i sobbed.

leah cried and rubbed my back.

after a while i left the room and sat in the corridor. i had my head in my hands and completely broke down, bawling my eyes out.

leah came and sat beside me after a while. she put her arm around me and pulled me into her.

her face was completely red and puffy.

no words were said. we just cried together.

amanda came to the hospital and took alex back to our house. she hugged us both and cried a little with us.

we had to sign some papers and then we left.
the doctors also got hand and footprints of ben so that we could always have part of him.

when we got home we put them up in the baby room.

we had to start planning a funeral for our son when we should have been planning a party to celebrate the birth of our little babies.

it had been a week. there were some sleepless nights. it never got easier. we would always have this pain with us. leah didn't go to training or to matches. jonas was very kind and understanding. he said that leah could have as much time as she needed.

we both looked pretty shit. we had sleepless nights from waking up to alex crying and also from crying ourselves.

amanda had come over every day to help us.

some of the girls also came over.

today is the day of the funeral. my family had come from manchester.

we got ready. leah was ready before me so she got alex ready.

i decided not to put makeup on as i would probably cry it all off.

"we need to leave in 5 minutes, are you ready" leah asked quietly. i nodded and composed myself before leaving.

when we got there, lots of people were already there. we had some chairs set up at the grave.

me and leah stood in the front and jacob, some of leah's cousins and some of my cousins brought the coffin to the front. i tried my hardest not to cry but tears still filled my eyes.

"thank you all for joining us here today. we are celebrating the life of our little boy benjamin williamson, although it was too short. benji will always be remembered, in us, in his family and in his twin sister. this is a very hard time for us, but we know that we have lots of help around from lots of people." leah said.

"nobody truly knows the pain of losing a child. you don't know what it feels like unless you experience it yourself. it feels like a part of your soul being ripped from you. it is the most painful heartbreak you could ever imagine. our baby boy held on to life for 3 weeks. i will be forever grateful for those weeks. i only wished that he had longer on this earth. we miss him dearly and it hurts thinking about it. right now it doesn't feel like it can get any better, maybe in the future things will be different." i said. tears streaming down my face.

leah held my hand tightly.

the coffin was lowered into the hole and me and leah put some flowers in. the hole was filled i i buried my head into leah and sobbed into her chest.

afterwards, everyone hugged us before leaving. we thanked everybody for coming and stayed at the grave for a little while before heading back home.

i lay in leah's arms and cried into her. i hadn't been able to control my emotions, but leah had been controlling them well. she was so good to me. she always comforted me. i felt bad that i couldn't comfort her.

"it will get easier my love." she whispered to me.

"i know. i miss him too much. why did he have to be taken from us" i sobbed.

"i don't know princess. but i know that he is looking down on us from the sky, protecting us and his sister." she said into me.

i managed to stop crying and i fed alex.

"i'm sorry if you feel like we aren't paying attention to you baby girl. we just miss your brother but we love you so so much" i whispered to alex. 

leah rubbed her head while i fed her. i got her ready for bed and put her to sleep, making sure to set up the baby monitor.

"i'm thinking of going back to work next week. i cant just stay at home forever and if i'm out for too long i'll probably get dropped to the bench" leah said.

"yeah" i said.

i lay down with leah and cuddled into her.

A/N: made myself cry with this one lol. 

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