Channel

31| Everything, Angel

For years, I would distract myself on my birthday, strictly focusing on the holiday. But this year, celebrating with Wes, I honestly forgot all about 4th of July.

The drive home from Big Sur has me feeling so many different emotions. Being with Wes and having so many people around me that constantly show me love and affection, makes me second guess going to semester at sea.

My entire high school career I studied my ass off to maintain the grades I needed to qualify. Semester at sea leaves right after senior graduation, and travels along the Atlantic Ocean teaching you about sea-life and the world. For as long as I remember I've wanted to be in the marine biologist field, but now, all I want to do is surf.

"What are you thinking about?" Wes asks taking one hand off the wheel and placing it over my hand.

"Everything." I respond looking out of the window and seeing the Welcome to Channel Islands sign.

"I have to work evening shift, want me to drop you off at home?" Wes asks rubbing his thumb over my knuckles.

I nod my head and turn my focus back towards the window. Difficult times like this is when I wish I had a parent figure to talk to. It's nice having Wes and my friends around to talk to if I need to, but it's not the same.

We pull into the apartment parking lot and I take one last look at Wes before getting out.

"Tell me everything is okay Kenna. You know I won't leave until you tell me what's wrong." Wes says his voice filled with concern.

"I just have a lot to consider, regarding my future and what I need to do next. Nothing to be stressed about on your end." I reply with a soft smile.

Wes nods ands kisses my temple before hopping out and opening my door.

"See you around 6:30 okay?" I can tell Wes is worried but I'm okay. I know what I need to do.

"Okay Wes." I whisper back. He grabs my hand placing it over his heart and then pulls me into a hug, which easily pulls my face into a smile.

Wes drives off and I walk upstairs to grab my keys to my jeep. I know Wes can tell something is off but it has nothing to do with him and everything to with us and what my future looks like.

The thought of leaving right after graduation and not being able to see him until a whole year after scares me. It scares me so much that until now, I've never felt more lost.

*

"You're son built me a flower shop" I say smiling walking in to Sierra's room. Wesley's mom is the closest thing to a mother figure in my life right now, so driving to Malibu just to talk to her, was the easiest decision I could make right now.

"My son loves you very much. Sit down, angel." Sierra says smiling and patting the spot on the bed next to her.

"What brings you here love?"

"I really just need somebody to talk to." I whisper back, a tear rolls down my cheek and Sierra wipes it away with her thumb. She stays quiet, waiting for me to talk which feels really nice, not having to feel pressured in the moment.

"I don't want to leave Channel, Sierra. I don't want to leave Wes, or the friends I've made since him, the home we've created, my new shop, surfing." I continue and Sierra does nothing but listen.

"I don't know what I want anymore. I just know that I want to be happy." I say dropping my head into my hands hoping to push back the tears.

The room is silent for a while until Sierra begins talking.

"Angel, you deserve everything right in this world. The right people, the right decisions, the right thoughts. Put yourself first and do what you think is right. I know it is easier said than done, but I promise you, knowing my son, he will love you no matter what you decide to do."

"Your words mean the world to me Sierra." I whisper back, tears falling down my cheek and on to my lap.

Silence fills the room again and we sit in each others presence, but this time, I only let positive thoughts flow through me.

*

"Hi, my name is Kennedy Calvin. I'd like to speak to the Marine Professor please."

"Sure thing, I'll switch the phone line to his office. Thank you."

Waves of anxiety hit me instantly as I wait for the professor to answer the phone, but it's all quickly washed away once I feel Sierras hand rubbing over mine.

"You're doing what you think is right. And that's all that matters." Sierra whispers reassuring me.  I nod and take deep breaths, her words still sticking in my brain from earlier.

You deserve everything right in this world. The right people, the right decision, the right thoughts. Put yourself first and do what you think is right.

"Professor Kane, how may I help you."

"Hi Professor Kane, my name is Kennedy Calvin. I would like to make this phone call as my official form or resignation from this years semester at sea."

"Oh, interesting. Okay. Well may I ask the reason? Our team was extremely happy to hear they would get to work with you this summer and upcoming year." I take a another deep breathe and remind myself right now, in this moment, I am putting myself first.

"I realized that I'd like to take a different path. Your program is so great and I'll be sure to spread a good word about it, but my mind is set."

"Very well then, I hope we are able to work with you in the future. Thank you Ms. Calvin."

As the phone line goes dead I look over to Sierra and see the biggest smile on her face.

Resigning from semester at sea was a huge decision, but at the end of the day, my life is here. Wesley, my surf meets, my friends, being closer to Sierra and the flower shop. Everything is here, and every single sign was telling me to stay.

"I'm so proud of you Angel. That was a hard decision to make for someone at such a young age and you handled it beautifully."

Sierras words flow through my body and wrap around my heart. She is truly my greatest comfort, and I pray that she recovers from this horrible addiction she has to face, so she can continue to live the healthy and loving life she deserves.

I stay in the hospital room for the remainder of the day. I tell her about Wes and I's trip and everything else that has happened since our last visit.

Sierra sits next to me and listens the entire time and as the hours pass by, I realize that's all I really needed. A Mom to listen.