Twisted Truth

Chapter Forty One

ADDIE

I have a new perspective on life. The past few weeks have been very eye opening and in the best way possible. I don't know how to explain it, I feel, lighter, I guess. The fact that I've been able to stay sober since leaving the hospital is a massive achievement in itself. Some days are harder than others, I'm not ashamed to admit that there have been nights where I've been close to downing a bottle of vodka and stealing some coke from Bruno's secret stash because I know where he hides it, but I haven't. If getting sober was easy everyone would do it and I have to be kind to myself, take it one day at a time and if that's not possible take it an hour at a time. It's the advice given to me by my therapist, and it's allowed to be kinder to myself.

Yes, therapist.

Rocco had persuaded me that it would be beneficial to speak to a professional. I had been dead against the idea but in case I changed my mind Rocco had made me an appointment with the best trauma therapist in the city. I went, not really knowing what to expect and thinking it wouldn't work for me. I was wrong.

It's been three weeks since I started, and I go twice a week. Mary is a middle-aged woman who has a calming aura about her which helps me to open up. The sessions so far have all been focused on my substance abuse, I'm not comfortable talking about my childhood or what happened when I was taken. I want to be able work through my addiction before tackling everything else. I'm scared that if we dive into everything else and I haven't got a hold on my vices I'll just fall straight back into them and that can't happen. I have too much going for me right now for it to get fucked up because of drugs.

I also thought it would be the right time to work through my issues because I need to be the strongest version of myself in order to take John down once and for all. Rocco and my brothers have come up with a pretty solid plan, one which will only include me if I feel ready for it. Daniel wasn't happy about it but when is he ever. He voiced his opinions loudly and was told rather impolitely by Paddy to shut the fuck up. They are complete opposites, but both have my best interests at heart. Daniel can be overbearing at times, often taking up the father role but Paddy also doesn't know when he crosses a boundary. They may be bad men in the outside world, but they would tear the world apart for me. As much as I'm flattered it also scares the shit out of me. I would never forgive myself if anything happens to them because of me. Hell, Dan already took a bullet for me and the thought of losing him, doesn't bare thinking about.

A sharp jut to my ribs brings me back to the present. A annoyed looking Paddy stares at me as he jumps circles around me. I realize a puff of air, sending a glare his way. "What the hell was that for?" I demand.

Paddy has been on a mission to get me fighting fit, finishing the process Rocco started by throwing me about a gym for a couple of hours each day. Most of the time it helps, exhausts my body enough that my brain doesn't go into overdrive but today I can't seem to get out of my head. I have a thousand different things that is occupying it. Between fighting my addiction, healing from all my trauma, building a healthy relationship with Rocco and now I have the looming date of meeting my real father. I just feel like I have all these juggling balls up in the air and at some point they are going to fall. I have a building pressure mounting on my chest and I feel like I can barely breathe.

"Your head is not in the fucking game." Paddy snaps. He made himself the boss in my being able to defend myself. Says I need to be able to fight so that nobody can get the upper hand on me again. I may be smaller in size but if I'm trained correctly that shouldn't matter, my skills will out way their size. That's Paddy's philosophy anyway but I think he is harboring some guilt for not being there for me.

Check me. See's a therapist for a few weeks and starts spouting their crap.

"I need a brake, I have too much going on right now." I admit. Now I'm not usually one for giving up on something but I'm done. Mentally and physically, I don't think people realize how hard to is to constantly fight your true instincts. I was dead set against our daily training session today but Paddy never takes no for an answer but he is now going to listen.