Twisted Truth

Chapter Thirty Seven

ADDIE

I'll be okay.

The same three words I have been telling myself over and over again, hoping that I'll finally believe them. I don't know how well it is working out, but I haven't lost my mind, completely anyway. I've been out of the hospital for five days and I'm slowly getting into a routine. Wake up, take a walk, shower then bed. Everything else during the day is just blank, everyone tiptoes around me, and I can't even fill my day with alcohol which is what I'm itching to do. Rocco seems to have warned everyone to stay clear of me and shocker, the many bottles of booze that used to be in the house seemed to have just disappeared.

I can understand what Rocco is trying to do, give me space to heal without anyone there to hurt my feelings as well as making sure I don't hurt myself. It's not what I want though, I want to drink myself into an abyss so I can get just one good night's sleep. I want to scream so loud that my throat hurts, I want to pick a fight with someone just to be able to feel something. Most of all though I want to make those decisions for myself.

The book that I have my nose in is doing to stop me from spiraling. Usually, I am able to transport myself into whatever world I'm reading about. Now they are just words on a page, reading was the only thing I had as a healthy form of escapism and the fucker has taken that from me too. Growling, I throw the book away in complete frustration. The walls in this place feel like they are closing in, I'm trapped with no fucking escape.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

The sudden voice startles me slighting but I regain my composure when my eyes land on Bruno. He offers me a rare smile before picking up my book and slides down beside me. We sit in silence, it's not awkward and I am glad for the company. He raises his eyebrow at me, waiting for me to answer his question.

"No," I blurt out the word coming out harsh before I sigh. "Yes, okay I do want to talk about it, I think."

"What's going on in that little head of yours Ginge? You haven't spoken much since you got home."

"I feel trapped." I confess, relieved that I've finally said it out loud. "I feel trapped and empty inside and everything I do to try, and cope isn't working." I grind out, the frustration rising again. "All my usual vices, drugs, sex and alcohol would help but I don't want to be like that anymore, but I can't stand this emptiness. I still feel his hands on me and what his plan was for me, and I can't make it stop but I know," I take a shuddered breath pausing for a minute realizing everything that I have just said. It's the most I've said to anyone since I woke up. I can't seem to finish my sentence, not really knowing what I want to say.

"Why don't you want to be like that anymore?" Bruno asks, ignoring the last part of my rant. I have to say I am thankful for that. The shame I feel is unbearable and I don't want Bruno to look at me like I'm pathetic, like I'm inferior because I couldn't stop that from happening to me. That is why I haven't delved too deep into the details. I'm too ashamed.

There is a pause, his question throws me off. I haven't really thought about it, why is it so important to me that I don't go off the rails like I have done countless time. I enjoy going down the path of self-destruction. It's my form of self-harm. Putting myself in dangerous situations that could be potentially life threatening just to feel something, anything other than the self-loathing that invades my body at any chance it gets. But my actions in the past have pushed everyone I love and care about away. Usually by the end of my bender I'm alone and hate myself even more. Thats what has changed the game this time, I actually think I may have someone who I don't want to lose. Not even for a second.

"Turning back into that person means I stand a chance at losing Rocco and I love him too much to ever let that happen." I admit, the realization hitting me square in the face. Shit. Did I really just say that out loud and to his best friend of all people.