Where the Skies are Blue

Chapter Sixty-Four:

I want to cry.

But I'm sick of crying over Hunter. I'm sick of letting him have so much power over me. Yet, my body has a mind of its own. It reacts to Hunter in a way I can't seem to control. Even still, he absolutely terrifies me. To my core. His anger. The way he has no problem hurting me. How even after putting me in the hospital, he felt no remorse. Only continued to insist that everything has been my fault. My doing.

He wants me to hurt. He wants me to suffer.

For reasons I'm unsure of. What did I do to him to make him hate me this much? Is it because I won't take him back? Is it because I'm with Ender now? Is it because I'm not miserable anymore?

I don't understand, and I hate that I want to understand. Maybe there is no reason. Maybe Hunter is just a really fucked up person. Maybe not everything has a reason behind it.

I tried not to let Ender see how much it affects me. I let him drop me off, believing that I'm fine and that I'm not about to hurl up all the alcohol I consumed yesterday. I'm already enough of a burden for him. He already has to deal with all the baggage I bring. Lugging it around like an overweight item. It's not his weight to carry—it's mine, and I need to handle it.

Moving into my bathroom, I rinse off in the shower, letting the warm water fall down my face, masking my silent tears. I have to be stronger than this. I can't keep letting Hunter control me. He's burrowed this fear so deep within me that it effects everything I do. The decisions I make, where I go, and who I see. In the back of my mind, I'm still always thinking of him and wondering if it'll make him mad. Because he's programmed me that way. His influence on me has latched itself to my skin like a tracking device following my every move.

I can't fully let myself be with Ender until I face Hunter. Until I dig that tracker out and am finally free. Ignoring him doesn't work. Trying to talk to him is a dead end. There's no way the cops or anyone in this town will ever be on my side. Is running away after graduation really my only option for moving on? What is there left to do? I feel so stuck. So helpless against him.

Maybe I can get him on camera? I can set him up. Use it against him. Threaten to show everyone if he doesn't back off. It might work. It has to.

Suddenly, my bathroom door is opening, and I freeze.

The curtain is being pushed to the side, and I jolt, my arms flailing to cover the parts of me I most definitely don't want whomever just stepped into the shower to see.

I step out of the water as Katherine stands before me, arms folded across her chest, sunglasses perched on top of her head. "What the hell?" I hiss and grab the shower curtain, pulling it across my chest.

She smirks at me, and her eyes move over me like she's satisfied with what she sees. I can just imagine what she's thinking. Oh, good; my teenage daughter has smaller boobs than me, so at least there's no competition there.

"Did you really think Henry was your father?" She snickers.

I narrow my eyes. "Go. Away." I seethe through gritted teeth.

"Why the hell would I ever bring you to live with your supposed father? And if he had been as well off as Henry is, do you really think I would have waited this long?" Her eyes scan over me again. "You really need to let it go. Your dad's most likely dead from a drug overdose. He was a loser, Auden. Not some fantasy you've made up in your head."

"This enlightening conversation couldn't have waited until I'm out of the shower?"

"No time like the present, baby." She rests her hands on her hips. "Henry's going to drop you too, baby, as soon as I leave him for George. You're not his kid. He barely knows you, much less cares for you. You'll just be a reminder of me, and he'll want you gone too. You really need to stop relying on men so much."

I laugh in disbelief. "Me? Relying on men? Are you fucking delusional?" She's hilarious. She's relied on men her entire life. God, I can't deal with her shit right now, not ever. "Henry does care about me, and I know how insecure that makes you. I don't believe your bullshit anymore. I'm staying here with him; I'm not moving with you to live with George."

She eyes me with a smug look. "Oh, baby, I never asked you to come live with me at George's. You'll be eighteen by then and not my problem anymore. Live where you want. I won't hold you back any longer, but don't come crawling back to me looking for a handout."

"Wow, so you're DiCaprio breaking up with me because I reached a certain age?" I hiss. "That's great. Fantastic." I wipe my hands clean. "Fine by me. I'll be better off, and you can go live with that sadistic fuck and realize what a mistake you've made. Henry was willing to give you everything, and you blew it. I was willing to do anything for you. All those years of looking after you and trying to make you happy. I can't believe I ever felt sorry for you. You're the maker of all your problems in life. Not me. Not your parents. Not every man you attract into your life. It's all you." I realize I'm just wasting my breath. She doesn't care. Never will, never has. She's not listening to anything I say. I'm never going to get the response I want. Some shampoo drips into my eye, and I squint with irritation. "Well, three weeks until graduation, and then you'll never have to see or hear from me again."

"Aw, baby, don't seem upset now."

I release an exasperated sigh. "I'm not. I just wish you'd care. Just a little bit. Or just fucking own up to how you've treated me."

"That won't change anything, baby." She turns and leaves me alone while shampoo pools down the side of my face, burning my eyes.

My hands clench into fists.

It'll be for the best. I don't need her. I never did. I'm better off without her. I'll be thankful once she's gone. Just right now, I can't ignore the stinging in my chest, and the emptiness that lingers. I shouldn't care. I shouldn't want love from her.

Maybe my future self is laughing now for how much time and energy I wasted on her and other people who didn't deserve it. Maybe all of this will feel like another life. It'll be so far in the past. It'll be like it never existed. The bruises Hunter left will be a distant memory. The mental abuse he inflicted on me will be long forgotten. The horrible memories of my childhood will be nothing but dots in my memory. Fading with time until they're nothing but faded grey specks.

I want to reach for my future self. To allow her to pull me through time. To get me out of this shit and far away. I don't want to do this anymore. Everyone always says life gets better. Just hold on a little longer. Things will turn up. One day, you'll look back and laugh.

But is that actually true? I see adults. I see how miserable most of them still are. Do things ever get better? Or do we just keep telling ourselves that for the rest of our lives? Just hoping for the day when it finally comes true. Or do we miss the good days because we're so hung up on the bad?

I want the good. I need it. And I need it to happen soon because I don't know how much more I can take.