Where the Skies are Blue

Chapter Fifty-Two:

"Hey, thanks for the good time. You're definitely the biggest whore we've ever met." Fox laughs and pushes me out the front door and out into the cold. He pulls out his wallet from his pocket and throws some dollar bills at me. They float in the air before landing on the ground around me. "Get home safe." They all laugh before he slams the door in my face.

I swipe at my eyes and stare blankly at the door. I can't believe that just happened. What have I done?

My skin feels bruised as I quickly make my way down the drive, trying to put distance between me and the house. When I get to the curb, I plop down and pull my phone out. My hand trembles.

Once it starts ringing, I place the phone to my ear. I deserved this. I deserved it all. I asked for it.

I'm unable to be loved. I'm unable to accept love. I'm unable to not feel so many things at once. I'm broken. I'm in complete shambles. Is it because of my childhood? Is it because all of my unhealthy traits and habits developed when I was so young and now I'm unable to rewire my brain?

"Auden," Ender's voice is groggy. I've woken him up. "What's happened? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." My voice shakes, and I sound anything but fine. I wipe my runny nose with my hand. "I, uh, I'm sorry to wake you." A crack in my words. A quiet howl of emptiness. Of desperation. "Would you be able to maybe pick me up? I'm sorry to ask. I know it's late—"

"Yes, I'll grab you right now. Send me your location. I'll be right there, okay?"

"Mmk, I'll be here." I hang my head and hang up the phone, sending him my location. My head dips between my knees as I sway back and forth.

I'm so embarrassed. So ashamed. I'm disgusted with myself, more so than before. I didn't think that was possible.

I'll understand if Ender wants nothing to do with me now. It makes me want to throw up just imagining his look of disgust when he finds out. He'll hate me. Just like everyone else.

I remain like this, wrapped in my thoughts, until I hear his car pull up. My head lifts from between my knees, and I see him get out of the car and hurry over to me. He kneels down on the curb. "Auden, what happened?" He looks so worried for me as he looks me over.

"I'm cold." I say, my teeth clattering.

He helps me to my feet and into the warm car, where the heater is turned on. He gets in on his side and points all the air vents towards me. "Auden, tell me what happened. Was it Hunter?"

I shake my head.

"Why are you outside Ty Benson's house?"

"You know him?"

"I know of him."

I sniffle and turn my knees toward the door. My eyes on the floor.

"Did he hurt you?"

I nod.

"What the fuck," He grows quiet for a moment. "Auden, please, talk to me. What happened?"

"I wanted them to hurt me. I told them to."

"Why the hell would you tell them to hurt you?"

I press my forehead against the glass. "I'm not sure," I exhale heavily, clouding the glass with my breath. "Because I deserve it. Because I wanted to hurt. I don't know, Ender. I want to be treated badly because it's all I know and the only thing I'm familiar with. Love is supposed to be painful, isn't it?"

"Not like this, Auden." He cusses under his breath to himself. "I'll be back."

I look over at him for the first time since he's arrived. I'm almost caught off guard by how handsome he looks. Even though he just rolled out of bed. He has on a pair of sweatpants and a gray hoodie. His curls are messier than usual, but I want nothing more than to feel them between my fingers. "Where are you going?"

"Just stay here, please. Stay right here." He gives me a stern look before getting out of the car.

I look in the side mirror to see him stalking up the drive to Ty's house. My heart begins to thud in my chest. Oh, no. What is he going to do?

I face forward, too scared to look. I squeeze my eyes shut. I stay like this for what feels like hours before I hear the car door open back up. My eyes bolt open, and I look over at him. His hands grip the steering wheel tightly, his knuckles bloody and scraped. I notice bruising under his right eye.

"Ender, I'm so sorry—"

"Auden, I'm not going to let anyone hurt you ever again."

My eyes grow misty. His words take me by surprise. Ender leans towards me; his bruised hands cup my face gently, making sure not to hurt me. He looks deeply into my eyes. "Nobody is ever going to put their hands on you like that again. I don't care what happened in there, Auden, I don't care if you think you deserved it. You will never feel like that again. Nobody ever deserves this, ever." He moves his hands to tuck my hair behind my ears, then kisses the top of my head. "You're going to be okay."

"Why don't you hate me? You know what I did in there. You know what happened—"

"Stop, just stop. I don't hate you, and I don't know how many times I have to tell you I'm here for you. I care about you. There is nothing wrong with you, Auden. I know you've got it made up in your mind that you're damaged or unworthy of love, but that's not true. You are the kindest person I know. You see good in every person you meet. You're so funny and forgiving. People have treated you horribly, and that is in no way your fault. That is not because you deserve it. You have an amazing heart, Auden. I hope you know that. Those people didn't deserve you." He kisses my cheek then leans back in his seat. His eyes remain on me.

A heavy breath escapes my lungs, and I try to wrap my head around what he's telling me. His words hit me like a truck.

"You're loved. Believe me." He takes my hand and gives it a squeeze.

I lift his hand to my mouth and kiss it with gratitude. "Thank you," I breathe and press his hand to my cheek. "Thank you. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me." I mean it wholeheartedly. "Thank you."

He drives me back to his house, both of us silent, but I keep hold of his hand all the way up the stairs to his house and into his bathroom, where he turns on the shower for me. He helps me get undressed, and his tender touch makes me want to cry all over again. With love this time. Love. Maybe this is what it's meant to feel like. It's easy to misunderstand what love is meant to feel like. Especially when I've only associated love with pain.

Now, with Ender, I feel loved in a different way. In a way that doesn't hurt. In a way that makes me feel safe and secure.

I step into the shower and let the water wash over me. I tell him to come in with me, and eventually he's stepping into the shower too. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me in for a hug. We hug under the stream of water, and it feels as if all my sadness and troubles are transferring out of me. Despite what happened tonight and how horrible it was, right now, in this moment with him, I feel somewhat okay.