Chapter 5
January 3/2022
Dear Deary,
"Prețul individualității este singurătatea." — "The price for individuality is loneliness."
I think about these words more and more often. Could this really be the case? Is my individuality the reason why I will be alone for the rest of my life?
Of course, I love being alone, it does not scare me at all, and yet I would not want to remain unloved.
It's all so hard... It's hard to fall in love with someone who doesn't even know you exist. It's hard to understand that I don't agree to be with anyone else but him, but he's also a sky-high dream.
And will he be able, under the best, unrealistic circumstances, to love me? Is it possible to love a person who can sit writing paper from nine in the morning until three at night? And so not one day in a row. Is it possible to love a person who is completely absorbed in his work and will not be able at this moment to show his love and kindness to you because he does not even notice the real world in these seconds? Is it possible to love a person who can cry in a dream and wake up to continue to wet his pillow with tears for another ten or twenty minutes, without even remember this nightmare of his? Is it possible to love someone like me?
He is perfect for me. I see in him everything that I need in a man. He is my dream, not me.
Sometimes I think this cold, bone-chilling winter is going to drive me crazy. I'm afraid of burning out in everything I plan. Of course, the first days of 2022 make me very happy with my fuse, mood and progressiveness, but I would like to have time to do everything that I have planned, although I doubt that this is even possible. It seems to me that I put a lot of things on my shoulders, although in fact this is just the beginning of the journey.
I'm afraid to go astray. Yes, everything is fine now, but how can everything be so smooth? This is what scares me. It scares me that I have such a huge fuse, but the brighter you burn, the faster you can burn out.
So many questions in my head lately, but no answers.
I can only hope that I will not burn out and that I will have the strength to do everything that I have planned and then find a job. Apparently, when I find a job again, all the most difficult things will be just ahead, because I'm afraid that I might not be able to cope with something, and that I won't have time for what I love, because of that I want to have time to do as much as possible more while I'm at home. I hope this doesn't drive me crazy.
Hope and effort seems to be all I have now, and I will try my best.
I hope that nevertheless this year will be one of the best for me, because I really believe in it.
