Harry kisses me and kisses me and kisses me. It lasts for what seems like forever. And I never thought the taste of smoke would be appealing. But tonight, it is.
And we cry.
When our lips are no longer touching but our foreheads are instead, I wipe away my tears with my sleeve.
"Is this the way you would have liked me to leave? Scared to death that you will not be taking care of yourself?"
"Leaving, leaving, leaving." Harry pulls away.
"Stop saying you're leaving!" his voice is louder now.
I frown in confusion. It is not like I was keeping this as a secret.
"Liam, I am about to leave and I still do not know what exactly it is that you do." Harry says, imitating my voice.
"What did you expect me to do? Keep sitting there? Listening to you talking about what you will be doing once you are back. And laughing about it."
"Laughing about it? Harry. What else can I do?" I feel like slapping him again.
"Would you like it if I sat here on the doorstep and wept all night? Because truly that would be my pleasure. Believe me, that is all I want to do. You have no idea!" I raise my voice.
"No!" he shouts. "But stop it with these comments. Stop asking if this is how I would like you to leave. I would not like you to leave. At all. You know better than that, Lauren."
"I just really need this cigarette." Harry takes out his box of cigarettes.
I take it away from him forcefully.
"Stop acting like a child." I say firmly.
Harry and I lock eyes for so long, too long.
Then Harry grabs me again with all the strength he has. And we kiss again. This time, we do not stop to say anything. And I keep thinking, how much easier would my life have been if I kept on hating Harry all this time and never fell for him?
How much easier and how much dull.
Harry is the spark to my life.
Harry pulls away. We keep our faces very close for a minute.
"Promise me you will not do that ever again, Harry."
Harry moves his eyes away from mine.
"Promise me." I insist.
He nods. "Okay."
"Are those idiots still here?" Harry asks, gesturing with his head towards our home, which is to his back.
I laugh.
"Yes." I nod.
"I think it is time we tell them that they need to leave."
I look away from Harry towards the window and find that they are all somewhat peeping out off it.
"I think they know they need to."
And then, one more time, one more moment, one more memory for me to hold forever, one more picture to keep in my head, Harry smiles.
We go in and get awkward "Heys" from the lads. Harry has his arm around my waist and does not let me go.
"Maybe we should get going." Claire says.
"What? Why? Things just got interesting!" Rian cries.
Liam and Conall take Rian by the arms and start walking out.
"This is really like the time when your favourite series suddenly stops because they have not downloaded new episodes." Rian keeps talking.
Liam and Conall literally throw him out. We all laugh.
Each one by turn hugs me and gives me a kiss, saying goodbye.
Claire takes her time with the hug. I will truly miss her so much. This very good friend of mine. I wish I had you everywhere I went.
When Harry locks the door after everyone leaves. He turns to me and opens his arms. And I jump in there. My sweet sweet place, Harry.
****
1 October 2014.
Today.
Harry and I stayed up all night in each other's arms. It was the best night I have had in my entire life. There is literally nothing I wanted more.
We leave the bed at 6:00 am and shower. I make us coffee and Harry makes the bed. Like any other normal day.
Harry takes the luggage outside and helps the taxi driver arranging them. He insisted on skipping today. He will be going to the airport with me.
The whole morning and up until we get to the airport, Harry and I are mostly silent. Satisfied with what we had, angry with life, afraid to hurt each other if we spell out our feelings.
When it is time to separate, Harry hugs me tight and kisses me one last time.
When will I taste your smile again?
When I turn my back, I start crying right away. I cry very hard, but silently. I cry silently walking past the security. I cry at the check-in. I cry as I drag my carry-on to the gate. People who look me in the eyes must think I am mad. But I do not look at people. I do not think about them. I do not think but about Harry.
I cannot stop myself from imagining how this would have ended if it was a movie. I would suddenly leave the airplane right before take off. I would rush back and Harry would be waiting for me there, having expected that I will not be leaving, because that is a movie. And Harry knows it.
If that was a movie, Harry would kick Rian out. Rian would joke about it but be completely okay with it. And I would live there forever.
But it is not. And I am in the airplane. And it has just taken off. I look out the window.
Goodbye, London.
I leave this place today knowing that I had grown so much in so little time. I leave it knowing that I had a place here, for real. And had I wanted to stay, it would have opened its arms to me. It would have let me in and welcomed me. It would have always been my home. I leave it knowing that it offered me so much. It offered me something I would have never had anywhere else; the smile that changed my life. Why do I say that? Because I always thought the love you see in the movies does not exist. That there is no love as deep and as magical as the one you dream about. And it turns out, there really is not. But there is something else out there, something much more real and true, and clear. Clear like Harry's eyes. There is another kind of love out there, that we do not grow up looking for, that we do not expect to have, but end up stumbling upon by mistake. And it does not consist of butterflies and rainbows. It consists of a presence. One person's unique, irreplaceable presence. A happy presence sometimes. A sad presence other times. But a constant presence. A presence you grow with, and it makes everything different. Food tastes a little better. Perfumes smell a little sexier. Dresses look a little nicer. And music fills with a lot more meaning. That is the kind of love I found in this place. And for this love, I will always be grateful.
Goodbye, London.
YOU ARE READING
Under This Roof
RomanceI thought that I can tell a lot about someone's character as soon as I meet them. In fact, I bragged about that to my friends, especially when they make me meet their significant others. I didn't think of it as prejudice. I thought of it as good ana...
