Under This Roof

Chapter 49

30 September 2014.

I wake up early.

Who am I kidding? I barely fell asleep.

I stay in Harry's arms until his alarm goes off and he opens his eyes. He hugs me tight.

"I'm skipping." he says.

"No you're not."

He hugs me tighter and stays silent for a moment.

"I need to finish packing up." I add. My flight is at 11:00 am in the morning. Which means that as soon as I wake up tomorrow, I need to leave to the airport.

"You only have a couple of classes to attend anyway. And by the time you come back I would have finished packing and we can plan the night."

Both of us are silent for a moment.

"Lauren."

"Yes?"

"When is your birthday?"

I start laughing. "You're so random I swear. December 11th. Yours?"

"28th March."

"Maybe I will send you something."

Harry smiles.

Both of us finally get up, Harry makes up the bed and starts getting dressed, while I go to the kitchen to put the kettle on.

There is a simple pleasure in doing these random things here. In this place. Under this roof. Next to Harry.

Life is different under this roof. It is brighter. Nicer. Sweeter.

It is like nowhere else I have ever been.

****

I write Harry what my tongue feels too heavy to say. I write it on a paper. And I stack it between his clothes before he comes back home.

I wanted to bring Harry a gift before I leave. But I found that there was simply no way for me to find the perfect thing to leave him. Except my words. That I truly and honestly mean. The way that Harry likes.

I know he has prepared some kind of a small friendly gathering for tonight. And that everyone I love will be there. And I think I need it. If I spend this night with Harry alone, it will be devastating. I need to take my mind off.

Just like the way human beings need people at a funeral. They need to talk about that old neighbour that they have not seen in so long. And the aunt that they did not expect to show up, but she did. How their cousin changed her hair, and that this new colour does not look very good on her. They need to think about something else, anything else. Simply because they cannot face something so horrible alone. Any company, any stupid and meaningless company, makes things better.

****

Harry comes home while I am still packing and emptying my room. He helps me around and jokes the whole time, making the air in the room light, making it happy.

Considering that I am a very emotional person, I feel so proud of myself for not having cried yet. I would have expected myself to cry every night for the past week. But I have not. Partly because I knew what I was getting myself into and I was prepared for it. But also because I do not want to make Harry feel worse.

When we finish packing, I leave Rian some of my books. I had read a couple of his during this time, and I kind of have an idea what kind of books he likes now. So I leave him a couple of mine that I think he will like, as a thank you.

I put all my luggage in Harry's room and look one last time in my room. I sigh. I close the door. Forever. And Harry hugs me.

****

At around 7:00pm, Conall arrives. Harry and I have prepared pizza, some nachos and chips, some drinks, some classy music. We sit around and start talking.

Soon enough, Liam and Claire are here as well.

Followed by Rian a few minutes later.

I have only seen Rian once, but was very glad to see that he came today. I liked Rian.

Conall talks about the new girl he is dating. I guess I understand what Harry was talking about now. Conall is indeed very quick on asking girls out. He does not give himself a break.

Rian is joking the whole time.

Liam is his quiet self. Claire is active and energetic and literally all over the place.

Harry is... 

He is lost. I believe that is the right word. Harry, most of the time, looks like he is in search of something and cannot find it.

At some point during the night, when we are all laughing at the jokes everyone is making, I turn to look at Harry and do not find him. For how long has he been away I am not sure. I frown for a second. He must be in the bathroom.

A couple of minutes later, Harry is still not back with us. So I leave to look for him. Since we are only six people in total, everyone notices that Harry is not around and assumes that I left to look for him when I go out of the room and inside the house.

I still cannot find Harry.

I go into the living room to ask if anyone knows where he is, when I hear Claire saying "Oh-oh."

I look at her and see that she is looking out the window. So I assume Harry is outside. Is he pacing? Is he wandering around? I do not know.

I put on a jacket from the coat hanger and go out. As I walk down the steps, I look left and right for Harry.

When my eyes land on him, my concern turns into rage. I cannot believe this. I want to slap his face.

And you know what?

I will.

I walk up to him and slap his face.

Harry's eyes open wide in shock. But he does not say anything.

I take the cigarette from in between his lips and throw it on the ground.

Harry stands still. He shivers a bit. He is out in the cold in his button down shirt and nothing on top. And he is holding a cigarette. And there is a couple of them burnt on the ground.

He puts his head down to the ground. I look at him with fury.

I have wanted to slap Harry many times since I came here. But I never wanted to do it so bad. I was never this angry. I want to yell at him. I want to keep looking at him with this look until he finally gathers the courage to look me in the eyes. And then, I will yell at him.

Come on, Harry. Look at me.

Harry lifts up his head quickly. He looks at me for a portion of a second in the eyes. Then, in less than a second, he puts both his hands on my neck. On my neck, under my hair. Not above my hair. Harry makes sure to put his cold hands directly on my skin. He brings my face to his without giving me any choice, without giving me any time to stop him, and he kisses me.

And we finally cry.