Under This Roof

Chapter 31

"You know what is going on inside my head Harry." I start.

"But I will explain it anyway.'" I let out a sigh.

"Before Friday night, I had started to look at you differently. I am not sure when exactly it happened. But there was a time when Lauren's mind was split into two." 

Harry smiles at the expression. It takes me a second to bring back my mind to the sentence.

"One of them would always mention you. And the other would yell at her."

Harry lets out a small laugh and nods.

"I mean to say that, this did not just start on Friday, when we kissed."

When we kissed.

Harry and I both take a deep breath after that sentence, as though just pulling out from the kiss.

"It started before that. I believe there was a genuine kind of... I am not sure what to call it. Attraction maybe, which made me respond to your kiss so easily."

Your kiss.

Harry nods again, listening.

"And I must admit that despite not being sure if I understand you or like your behaviour, it was nevertheless always intriguing to me. Nothing you ever said or did would just pass me by."

I stop talking for few seconds.

"But Harry,"

Harry's eyes move from my eyes for a second, and then back.

"What you said when I had that last date, is unfortunately true. It is only reasonable for me not to start dating."

Harry reaches out and puts his hand on mine. 

"I was not talking about this, Lauren. I was talking about casual dating, going out, meeting random people, even falling for a person. But not this. This isn't any of those things. Is it for you? Because to me, this feels like something you should not be missing out on for any reason you could mention."

"I feel this too, Harry. But this is exactly what makes it a thousand times harder. If it was anything else, I would probably end up a little sad and then too busy to stay sad a couple of weeks later. But that is not it. We live together. And this means that even keeping things at this level, in addition to seeing you every day, will simply rip me apart at the end of the month."

Both of us stay silent for few seconds.

"Lauren." 

"Yes."

"Look at me."

I raise my head and look at him. Oh dear Lord. What is happening to me.

"If you leave London, without kissing me again, I'm dropping college and following you."

Harry makes me laugh. I realize that Harry is joking to lighten the mood, but with these sentences, Harry is gaining complete control over my heart.

I feel myself getting weaker the longer the conversation goes.

"Harry, you know I have a lot coming up. I will be very busy. It is not just the show, even everything I have to finish afterwards prior to my travel."

"So?"

"So I won't have a lot of time."

"We don't need time Lauren. We live together. We have been seeing each other more than any couple I know even on your busiest days."

Harry makes a point here. And I become a little bit weaker.

"Why do you have in mind that this will for sure end badly?" he asks.

"Because what other options do we have. If this works and I leave, it will rip us apart. In both meanings."

"I would not necessarily say so. And I am not asking you to marry me and then have a long-distance marriage. I am asking you to try. And I am asking you to do that for yourself. Because I came to understand that whatever this is, it is mutual. And you owe it to yourself to feel this Lauren. Do you even think you have a saying in whether you feel it or not? You said it has been going on for some time. Have you been able to supress it?"

No. I have not. If anything, everything I feel is growing quite rapidly inside of me.

Harry moves himself closer to me on the bench. He takes my empty cup and puts both of ours on the ground next to him. Then he takes both my hands in his.

"Lauren. We can do this 'the right way'. I can ask you out on a date and we can go, enjoy our time and talk. And then you can decide whether or not you want to see me again. Well, not that." he smiles. "You can decide whether or not you want to go out with me again."

I take his suggestion in and start thinking about it. Harry continues.

"But I don't think that would be right."

His eyes are so fixed on mine. Harry is so sure of every word he is saying. Harry is so true.

"I think we should not waste our time going through the early stages. We already know each other. I already know part of your family and you know all of mine. If I had passed one more time behind you while you're skyping with you parents, we would have skipped that step too." Harry jokes.

I like how Harry is making everything I am feeling so much smoother and easier. Not that I am no longer worried. If anything, I am more worried now. Because I can see what kind of a man he is. And I can tell that there is no way I am getting out of this without getting attached. But he makes it sound okay. Or at least worth it.

"So my other suggestion is to skip the early dates, go out whenever you can, no pressure. It can be alone or with friends. Enjoy each other's company. We can call it 'dating' if you need a label. It is somewhat that."

Harry can see that I am in agreement with him, even though I am not saying anything out loud.

"See what we are doing right now? Sitting here, discussing our relationship, laughing. That is all we need."

Why should it be more complicated than this?

 I finally answer him back.

"You realize that the issue here remains unresolved. You need to be taking that into account when you decide to pursue this."

"I realize one thing; this is worth a try, so I will try."

"Come on." Harry takes the cups to a nearby garbage and gives me a hand.

"Let's go home."