Under This Roof

Chapter 25

1 September 2014.

It is finally September. Twelve days until the show. One month until I leave London.

I end up staying until 6:15pm at work, which is much earlier than any time in the last couple of weeks.

Another chapter is completed. And there is only one more to go before the show.

"So how was your weekend away?" I ask Claire over the phone as I leave work.

"Good."

"Oh-oh."

"What?"

"That doesn't sound good."

"Oh yes I promise, it was good. But..." she hesitates.

"But?"

"But I feel like it is overwhelming. The more I spend time with him the deeper I fall. And him on the other hand, I have no idea what he's feeling. I don't know for how much longer I will be able to handle this."

"Oh Claire. I get you."

"It sucks you know."

"And how was your first day of classes?" I try to change the subject.

"Good actually."

"Did you run into Harry?"

"No. Why do you ask?"

"No reason."

Claire is on the phone with me, but I can definitely sense the way she would be looking at me if she was here.

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Sure."

I hang up and go home.

When I come home, Harry is not there. A few hours later, he still did not come. I guess Harry does spend his days and nights at college. 

Whatever. What do I care?

****

2 September 2014.

When I slept last night, Harry was still not home.

Compared to men his age, Harry does spend quite some time at home.

He used to, at least.

When I woke up today, Harry was also gone. I guess his classes start early. Yesterday before going home, I had planned a series of questions to ask him about; the classes, the professors, the senior projects... I thought that I would have the chance to use these excuses to talk to him. But I didn't. And I don't know when I will have it.

I told you, Lauren. The voice inside my head is saying.

You are making a mistake.

I get dressed and leave to work. I am not letting anything distract me. These are tough days. I should focus on what's next for the show. This needs to go perfectly. 

****

3 September 2014.

I have not seen Harry for the third day in a row. 

I don't know if I should get used to it or worry. But how can I worry and his leftovers, and clothes, and dishes are lying around? I know he is coming late at night from the small changes I see in the house when I wake up. But I do not see him. 

The work with the models in general has been smooth and everything is going according to plans. But the stress is killing me. And the fact that I have not seen Harry in a while is adding to my anxiety.

When I met Claire yesterday, we talked for so long about Liam. And the whole time we were together I wanted so bad to ask her if she has seen Harry. I also wanted to admit to her about the things that are going on in my head. But I can't. Not only I can't, I don't even believe it. I feel like something is wrong with me. When I think too much about it, it almost makes me sick. 

Why haven't you been home, Harry?

Maybe when I see him all these emotions that are building up will dissipate. I don't know. But I need to see him to know.

I get home after a long day at work very tired and order myself a dinner.

****

"So guess who I saw today."

I did not notice I was napping until Harry spoke to me.

"Oh my god sorry you were sleeping."

I am confused with a headache, and Harry looks to me like he's in my dreams.

I sit straight and wait a while to gather my thoughts.

I want to look at him because I miss him and am happy to see him.

But also, the rage inside me is building up, not dissipating at all as I thought it would.

I want to hug him but I also want to slap his face.

But then again, this is how he has always made me feel. Isn't it?

He takes a seat beside me.

"I saw Liam today."

I nod. "You did?"

"Yeah, yeah. In fact, we had coffee together too."

"Well that's nice."

A silent moment.

"How comes you're home?" I ask. Sarcastically? Genuinely? I don't know.

Harry smiles.

"The first three days are always the toughest. You know. With everything I need to plan and work on." he says.

"Aha." I say nodding, as if I have any idea what he is talking about. It is not like you are giving the classes Harry. All you need to do is attend them.

"So how was your first day?" I ask him.

"What? It was the third day today."

"Oh yes. I know. But since I haven't seen you since." I say, this time for sure sarcastically.

Harry laughs a bit and I do not join him.

"All good. a lot of work."

"Good."

The bell rings and I get up. "That's my dinner."

I take the food into the kitchen and Harry follows me.

"Would you like to have some?" I ask him, deep inside wanting him to say no.

Go Harry. Please go.

"No thank you." he says.

I am sad, but relieved.

"But I will sit around as you eat, if you don't mind." he continues

I am happy, but anxious. 

I am torn.

This cannot keep going on.