Let Me In | Herophine Fic

What Did I Expect?

JOSEPHINE

Thursday

It's been six days of complete silence between me and Hero. And it's been fucking painful. I don't want to be annoyed at him, I've been trying my damndest to not be and to rationalise with myself that there's a valid reason for his ghosting me... But I am. I'm beyond annoyed. It's petty and frustrating that he's taking the time to unlock his phone, go into our text thread, read the message and just not do anything. I just don't understand it. If he doesn't want to hear from me, why hasn't he blocked me?

It's like he's dropped off the face of the Earth. But he's not. He's still very much here because he's reading my messages. That's what's hurting the most, I think. Alongside missing both of them. The fact that he's reading my messages and is choosing not to reply. Because let's face it, that's what ghosting is. It's choosing to leave someone hanging.

I've been wracking my brain to try and think of anything that could have possibly brought on this ghosting of his. But I'm really struggling. I've no idea what I've done - if I've done anything, that is. I wondered if I did something last Friday morning when we last saw one another. I'm convinced I've done something bad, I must have. But what? Maybe I said something I wasn't supposed to or got Mila ready for school wrong? I've no idea and my mind is clutching at straws for answers. And the only person who has them happens to be the one ghosting me. I just wish he'd tell me... Then maybe I could do something about it if there was something that can be done.

I'm quite thankful Mia suggested dinner with me when she did. I didn't realise then it'd get to this point between me and Hero. I thought by now I would have heard from him. But I haven't. We've decided to meet in the middle in Bethnal Green at a pub called The Approach Tavern. Neither of us has been there before but a few of Mia's work friends have and they've all had good experiences. Apparently, they've got a great menu and it's cheap too which is always a bonus.

It sounds awful because Mia is my best friend but I'm hoping tonight is the distraction I need from Hero's ghosting. I... really want to hear from him. It's all so confusing. At this point, what would he even say? What would I say? Could we really just pick up where we left off? Like nothing happened.

I miss him that much, I've been sleeping in the jersey he sent me. That little gesture seems like an absolute age ago now. I remember picking up the parcel wondering if I'd ordered anything and forgotten about it. I remember wondering who had my address other than my parents. And I also remember the unbelievable elation I felt when I realised what the parcel was and who it was from. What I'd do to feel something like that again. Every day I spent with him and Mila felt like that.

In his little note to me which I still have in my kitchen drawer, he said it was mine. And while primarily I've saved it to wear when I've watched the match, I've now taken to sleeping in it. It's the one thing that helps me feel close to him. Like his strong arms are wrapped around me, holding and protecting me while I lay in bed and bask in just him.

I shouldn't really use the word sleeping to describe my nights. More like tossing and turning would better describe how my nights have been. I've maybe gotten an hour's sleep every night, if that. I've just lay awake, thinking of him and what could have possibly happened. We were fine, more than fine. I only need to think of my last morning with him to really realise that. But now, all that's in the past and a mere memory.

Even my class has commented on how tired I look and I've kept my distance from the other teachers. I don't want to be pressed or questioned. I fucking hate it when that happens. But a few of my students - God love them - have asked if I'm okay. I've put myself looking and feeling like I'm ready to drop, down to Christmas and just being busy preparing for the holidays. It couldn't be further from the truth. Even though I finish today for the Christmas holidays, I'm not looking forward to them at all.