Let Me In | Herophine Fic

An Early Present

HERO

Somehow, December has arrived. Just a few days ago Mila opened her advent calendar and started the countdown to December 25th. To say she was excited to have chocolate for breakfast is a massive understatement. Equally, a few days ago, I did what I always do at this time of year and visited Sara's resting place for the anniversary of her death. It's insane to think that somehow four years have passed. It's been four years since I heard her voice, saw her eyes, saw her smile, saw her with Mila when she was just a baby. Four years have flown by in the blink of an eye. It's really hard to comprehend but it hit me as soon as I crouched down in front of her headstone, underneath the now barren tree.

As I always do, I told her I miss her. It's the truth I do, I miss her every single day. I told her about how Mila is growing up too fast and takes after her in so many ways. Primarily her sassiness and whole demeanour. I wouldn't have her any other way though, she's our little girl. I spoke about how Mila has started school and recounted the conversation we had before we left. About how she'll have seen her in her uniform. And, unlike any other year I've been there I spoke about the girl I've met whom I know I'm falling head over heels for. I expected that talking about Jo while being there would be difficult, and uneasy. But it wasn't. It was quite the opposite. It was freeing and surprisingly liberating. Like a weight was lifted off my shoulders as I spoke about her more and more. I kept saying how incredible she is with Mila, wishing deep down she could somehow hear me and know our girl is so very loved. Not only by me but by Jo too.

I recounted how I met Jo, knowing if Sara were here, she'd want to hear every little detail. When I'm there, at the graveyard, I always make an effort to speak as normally as possible, as if she's there with me. While I was there, I started to wonder whether meeting Jo is part of a bigger plan, placed in my path and Mila's. Sara always believed in a bigger picture plan, that our lives are mapped out for us by a higher power of some sort. Neither of us is religious by any means but she firmly believed that things happen for a reason. And I'm now wondering whether meeting and being with Jo is part of that plan. That it was always my fate to meet the funny Australian girl I now call mine. I'd like to think Sara would be happy I've found someone like Jo and that I'm finally on my way to fulfilling my second promise. Not only for her but for me and Mila too.

It didn't come as any surprise but I went to the graveyard alone. Mila refused to come with me. I purposefully asked when Jo was there with us, over breakfast but all she did was shake her head no and stay silent. Jo did her best to help talk her around and make sure she was okay but it didn't change her mind. I don't know what will. She declined completely which, in all honesty, I expected.

So while I went to visit her mother, Jo looked after her for me and promised she'd talk to her about it. Which she did but didn't get very far. I'm worried she'll lose the connection with her mum if she doesn't come here. That's something I don't want, even with Jo in our lives who is incredible with her. It's a worry, nipping in the back of my mind. Sara birthed Mila, I was there when she screamed and cried, announcing her arrival into the world.

I know she speaks of her mother and she released the balloon on her birthday of her own accord which still floods me with so many emotions but I want her to have that connection. She's always so calm and strong whenever she speaks about Sara and I can only imagine it's because she was and still is too young to comprehend the horror I endured in her first year before her mum passed. Neither of them knew each other for long enough. It sounds awful but it's the truth, she didn't. But knowing she has someone like Jo is a real comfort for me and I think it'd be a comfort for Sara too. Knowing there's someone else, helping me to look after and raise Mila right.

***

Rather than clean up straight after dinner as I usually do, as the pasta took longer than I expected it to, I've spent my time sorting Mila for the evening and have just tucked her into bed. She was tired today, her class did PE today and it massively tired her out. She was falling asleep over dinner but I've managed to keep her awake until her bedtime by chatting about various things and playing with her in her bedroom.