Let Me In | Herophine Fic

Something's Wrong

HERO

I don't think a weekend has ever felt so long. For all the wrong fucking reasons. Every waking hour and minute, Curt's words about Jo played over and over in my mind like a pissing broken record. I can't forget about it. As if training wasn't hard enough, I had to try and put it to the back of my mind for me to even stand a chance of getting through the rigorous training regime our coaches had put together for us. It was hell, on both Saturday and Sunday, again for all the wrong reasons.

As I was at Rush Green much later than I expected on Saturday, mum kindly offered to have Mila for me overnight so I could get a good night's sleep. Not that that happened, of course. My mind was in a constant frenzy about the comments he made. Was it risky of me to get into a relationship with Jo? It never really felt risky, it felt right. But was it? I know a lot of others would avoid it but would they avoid it because it's the unknown? People are afraid of the unknown, I've been there too many times and perhaps it doesn't faze me as much but is that why? I don't even know who has the answers. Not me, not anyone I know.

All I know is that I can't message her. My body and mind won't let me. I'm ghosting her. I read all three of her messages on Friday when Curt's comments knocked me sideways. I read her good morning message on Saturday alongside all the others she sent asking about seeing me and Mila and then on Sunday, that's when the dreaded is something wrong message appeared. It killed me to read it and not be able to respond. Her message was like a knife to my gut. She knows something is wrong, she's not stupid. And if I know Jo, which I think I do, I'd put money on her thinking that she's done something wrong. She's the most selfless person I know. I've never doubted her but his words are making me doubt what we had and what we've done together.

Mila returned home to me on Sunday and I've done my damndest to put the bravest face on for her. But she's seen the cracks in this already. My five-year-old daughter can read me like a book. Just as her mother could all those years ago. She knew from the moment she saw me that something was wrong. I put it down to being tired and missing her but that didn't seem to cut it. She pressed and pressed until she got bored and took herself off to her bedroom to play for a few hours before her bedtime.

She misses Jo. Just as I do. But I can't message her. Not since what I heard from Curt. Living the lifestyle I have, you never really know when someone is being truthful with you or whether it's just they're there because you're you and you have what you have. That's the situation I've found myself in now. What if all of that is what's happened here, with us? Perhaps I was silly to even think this could all work out and I'd finally get some description of a happy ending for me and Mila. Maybe that's too easy... Maybe I'm not supposed to be with Jo. As much as it pains me to think that, maybe that's the truth.

***

I've barely slept a wink for the last five days now and today is the day I travel to Liverpool with the team to play at Anfield. It's a huge game for us. They're looking to strengthen their lead at the top and keep the other teams at bay while we're still striving to hold fourth place. We need to either win or draw this game. Losing isn't an option. Not with Arsenal and Tottenham nipping at our heels.

Sitting up in bed, I stretch my arms above my head and whip the duvet off me, feeling the chill instantly. Goosebumps prick at my skin, sending shivers down my spine as I push to stand. I pace over to the robe hanging on the back of the door before opening it to head out. I really needed to sleep last night, I feel like the fucking walking dead. I need all the strength and focus for the game tonight but right now, his words are still on replay. I can't get them out of my head, they're affecting... everything I do and are preventing me from reaching out to her. I'm so fucking stupid for even thinking this would work.