𝙍𝙤𝙡𝙡𝙚𝙧𝙘𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧|𝑋𝑜𝑙𝑜 𝑀𝑎𝑟𝑖𝑑𝑢𝑒𝑛̃𝑎

29

I've been laying in my bed , on my side for the past hour , trying to get to sleep but all I could keep doing is crying...My face is soaked and my vision is blurry but I don't care to wipe my eyes. There's no use. Xolo
left my house not too long ago and I just keep replaying everything he said in my head , feeling my heart break even more as I remembered every single thing he said to me.

"I've always seen you as just my bestfriend "

"I rather not complicate things and just stay bestfriends "

"I wish I could give you the answer that you want but I don't have strong feelings for you.. I see you as my bestfriend

"I don't know I was just in the moment and I kissed you "

"I'm not gonna lie to you and say I have those feelings when I'm not sure that I do "

Best friend , best friend , best friend , best friend. That is all he has ever seen me as , that's all that he'll ever see me as. That's all I've ever been to him . That's all I still am to him even after we shared an intimate moment like that .

I'm not even mad at him about the fact that he doesn't have feelings for me , I can't force someone to like me . No matter how much I want him to. I'm just hurt that he still kissed me when he knew that he didn't have feelings for me. That's the part that hurts . He knew that but he still did it.. Mean while I was so happy and it meant so much to me. But he didn't think of that or how it would make me feel. The sucky part is that it confirmed my feelings for him even more.

When we kissed it felt so.. right , so perfect. The way he was gently caressing my face , the way his soft lips danced with mine. The chills that I felt running down my spine as his hands moved to my waist. The way i felt weak in the knees and just wanted to melt into his arms and stay like that forever. The way we were smiling through the kiss. It felt as if time was moving so slow , stuck in the moment . Nothing else mattered . Not thinking about anything else or anyone else . Just him , it's always been him , I've always had feelings for him. And that's the issue.. I keep letting myself fall .

I just don't get it , I really don't. Why would he kiss me if he didn't have feelings for me? Why would he kiss me if he just saw me as his best friend. God ,Why did he have to kiss me ? I hate this . I hate him. I hate him for making me feel this way . I hate the way that he can make me feel so happy one moment yet so hurt the next.I gripped my pillow in frustration as tears continued streaming down my face, the weight on my chest getting heavier with each sob.

How could I go from feeling so happy one night , to crying my eyes out the next. This night has just been terrible , then I find out that he's leaving the next morning right when we just had an argument.. I feel bad for going off on him and telling him that I don't wanna see him tomorrow but I just can't . It'll hurt too much see him.. it'll also be a reminder that he's leaving and I don't know even know when I'll see him again.

I can't just go back to being best friends .. not after a moment like that , that made me feel so many emotions. When I look at him , when I look into his eyes , I don't see just a best friend. I look into his eyes and I see and feel every emotion ever.

I know that the moment that I see him , it'll be hard to hold back the tears and act like everything's fine . It's just gonna be a reminder that I won't be able to kiss him like that ever again , we won't ever share an intimate moment like that again. It'll also just be a heart breaking reminder that he's leaving. So I don't wanna see him.. I can't ,not right after he hurt me like that

Besides if he would have cared , he wouldn't have kissed me knowing that he was gonna leave in the next 2 days. He wouldn't have kissed me knowing that  he doesn't have feelings for me. That's the part that hurts , that's the part where I feel led on.. Why would he do that .