All I Know So Far

Chapter 45. A Silent Plea

Jax

Nothing seemed real as I raced down the hallway holding Nelly's hand. She had lost so much blood already, and I was begging her not to close her eyes. A nurse was clutching onto her gunshot wound trying to keep her from bleeding out. Her lids were heavy and she seemed like she was struggling to breathe.

"It'll be okay baby, I'm right here," I said trying to reassure her. But the truth was, I was absolutely terrified. Just when it seemed like things were getting better, we took a turn for the worst.

"Sir, you can't come back here!" a nurse told me as they attempted to take Nelly away.

"I'm her husband!" I protested.

"I know sir, we are going to do everything we can for your wife," I looked down at the nurse who seemed sincere. I looked down at Nelly who nodded at me weakly, and I kissed her blood-stained hand. I didn't want to let her go, but I needed them to help her.

"I'll be right here waiting for you!" I shouted to Nelly who was getting dragged into the operating room. My vision began to blur as she disappeared and I found myself unable to keep it together. The guys began to roll into the hospital searching for me. Chibs noticed my worn face and he walked over to me.

"We took care of everything Jackie," was all he said. He gave me a once over before noticing that I was caked in Nelly's blood. "Do you want me to go get you a change of clothes? I dropped your mom and Wendy off at the house with the kids."

I gave a weak nod before I sat on the bench behind me. I was so exhausted and upset from what had happened. From the kids getting kidnapped by Tara, then getting kidnapped by Barry, then my wife got shot. I was just overwhelmed and sick to my stomach! It just seemed like I couldn't catch a damn break, why couldn't I just have my little bit of happiness? Why was it that when I truly found something good, something or someone had to come and take it from me?

I am no saint by any means, but why couldn't I, just this once, have something beautiful? Had I not been cursed enough by life? By God? Did he have a secret agenda against me? Was I paying for everything I have done? If I am, why do the people I love suffer from my actions? Why not hit me? Why go to them?

Suddenly my phone rang in my pocket bringing me out of my thoughts. I reached for it and looked at the screen. Gemma. I took a deep breath and turned off my ringer. I didn't want to speak to anyone right now, I didn't want to hear about anything until I knew that she was okay. That Nelly was going to be fine and that she could come home. I promised her that I would be here, that I would protect her. What kind of man would I be if I broke that promise? She needed me now more than ever.

"Jax, your mom is on the phone," Opie said holding his phone out for me. I was going to shove it away, until he pushed it, "the kids want to tell you goodnight." A pain in my chest formulated after learning that it was the kids who wanted to talk to me. I didn't know if I could face them right now. If I could hear their innocent, little voices, and act like everything was okay.

"C'mon, they need you," Opie said encouraging me.

I hesitated before taking the phone to my ear, "hello?"

"Daddy, when are you coming home?" Abel asked on the other line.

"Yeah, you have to read us a bedtime story," Ava chimed in.

I sniffled as I felt the pain in my chest grow, "Grandma is going to have to read you a bedtime story tonight guys, I have to stay with mommy."

"Is mommy going to be okay?" I could hear the worry coming off of Ava's voice.

"Yeah," I swallowed the lump in my throat, "Your mommy is going to be just fine. I'm going to need you guys to be good for Grandma though, so make sure you listen to everything she says."

"Okay," they said in unison.

"I love you guys, goodnight," I handed Opie back his phone before I heard them say anything back. I was trying to keep from breaking down, I didn't want to worry them. Poor Abel has been through so much already, and now Ava too. I didn't want to cause any more damage.

I got up from where I was sitting and found myself walking to the hospital chapel. Thankfully, it was empty, which offered some much-needed quiet for me. There were candles dimly lit and a giant cross sitting center stage. I was no religious man, far be it from me to ask for mercy when I had denied so many that same grace, but I was desperate. And if He could offer any assistance, I will take it to save my wife.

"Listen, I don't know if you could hear me, or if you still want to talk to me. But I'm begging you with everything I have not to take my wife. I know this sounds selfish, but I don't want to bury her, I don't want heaven to gain this angel, at least not right now, I need her to be the angel she is on earth. With me, her kids, her family. I know you've got plenty up there already, just spare this one, please."

My face was drenched with tears as I cried out. I didn't like to deal with my emotions, I couldn't ever really confront them. I could act on violence and revenge because there was always a satisfaction. In this case, there was no one to confront or retaliate on, I could only confront my grief.

"Jackie," I wiped my tears when I heard Chib's behind me, "the doctor wants to speak with you." I jumped out of my seat and rushed out into the hallway. The doctor was standing there dressed in medical scrubs.

"Are you Mr. Teller?" he said extending his hand.

"Yes, what's the damage?"

"We were able to successfully remove the bullet from her abdomen. Right now she is still under a lot of anesthesia, but she should make for a good recovery."

"When can I go see her?" I pressed.

"They are transferring her out of surgery, but you are free to go see her now. She is still feeling the effects of the anesthesia, but she can hear you just fine."

I felt my heart leap and a feeling of gratitude come over me. I quickly went to go change out of the clothes that had her blood on them and changed into the ones that Opie brought me instead. I sent the guys home and told them that I would be staying in the hospital with Nelly.

When I was given the green light I went to her room. It was dark in her hospital room, except for the dimply lit lamp by her bed. I could hear her soft snores as I took a step closer to her. She seemed so frail in that hospital bed, and the image made me uneasy. "Nel," I called out to her quietly. No answer. The only indication that I had that she was alive was her chest moving up and down peacefully.

I slid in the bed with her and threw the thin sheets over the both of us. I stroked her soft face as I felt her breathing hit my hand. "Nel," I called out to her again. No answer.

I was growing increasingly emotional because I just wanted her to speak back to me. To say something catty, mean, or obnoxious, anything!

"Nel, you're going to have to get better, baby. I'm supposed to give you a beautiful life, remember?" I sniffled, "we're going to grow old together, you and me." My voice began to quiver, "I am so sorry baby, I should have protected you, this won't ever happen again."

Nelly hardly moved as I poured out my heart, so I placed my face in the crook of her neck, Cuddling into my wife the best that I could.