All I Know So Far

Chapter 1. Goodbye My Friend

I pulled into Donna's driveway and as requested she was there to meet me outside. I was in no way an emotional person, but this marriage had rocked me to my core. Because regardless of how many times I said I hated Jax, I said I loved him a whole lot more. Donna was the only person who understood a morsel of what I was feeling, if she didn't she would have left Charming as soon as Opie went inside.

She walked closer to the car door and embraced me in a hug as my cries shook my body. "Do you want to come inside?" she offered. I shook my head no, "no, I just wanted to come to say goodbye to you and the kids and give you this." I reached back into my car and grabbed the yellow envelope with cash. Donna practically dropped the envelope in shock, "Ell, what are you doing, I can't take this. Where are you going?" she ran her hands through her hair while stuttering.

"Donna, I can't do this anymore with him. It's not good for me...or the baby," I said the last part quietly, but I knew she heard me perfectly fine. Her eyes were saucers, "Ell, you have to tell him! That's his kid," she pleaded with me.

"Donna, Wendy's pregnant," she placed her hand on my door to steady herself as the words left my lips. She took a deep breath and lead me to the plastic chairs that sat in her garage. We sat there for a minute while she clutched the envelope in one hand and held her heart in the other. Donna looked over at me, "how are you so calm right now?"

"Not calm just empty." She nodded her head at my sentiment, fully understanding the weight of my emotions. "You going to come back to see me and the kids? Ellie's birthday is next week," the sentence came out weakly as she felt the gravity of my departure. I was probably the only one in Samcro that never pestered her about 'family' or the club. Donna knew about the secrets I kept, but admired my father for going legit, and hoped that when Ope got out, he wouldn't go back to the Sons.

We hugged each other tightly as tears streamed down, "hey give her this for me," I reached for the necklace around my neck that was of a pink hummingbird. Ellie always loved it, it only felt right that she got to keep it. Donna closed the necklace tightly in her hand as she wiped her tears away.

We said our goodbyes and she made me promise to call and write often. I was making my way into my car until I heard the familiar sound of Jax's bike. He raced down the road and came to a halt in front of the house. Climbing off his bike he ran up to me and reached out to me. I swatted his hands away and his face fell.

"Ell..." he began.

"Save it, Jax," I pushed past him and made my way to my door.

"So that's it! You just up and bail!"

"Up and bail? No, I'm grabbing what little dignity I have left and leaving my husband so he can go be with his pregnant ex-wife."

"It's not even like that!"

I looked at him like he grew an extra head, "who do you think I am? I do not look the other way when my supposed old man goes on a croweater spree!"

"You can't leave! I won't let you," he wedged himself in my door blocking me from closing it. I sat in the seat with my arms crossed over my chest with a dull expression. "I know I screwed up, but I need you, I love you so much, baby."

As much as I didn't want it to a hot tear slipped from my eye, "You love me, Jax, then do me a favor and move, because if this is you loving me, you can keep your love!" I barked at him and I could see him look physically ill at my words.

Maybe in another world, we could have worked out. But there were too many odds, too many lies. It's easy to be a team when it's you against the world, but our worlds were split in two and they were at constant odds.

Looking at him now, looking into his eyes, it seemed like we had gone into battle and lost. We were exhausted and there was nothing that could bring us back to life. He searched my face and I looked away from him, I couldn't allow him to see that I still had love for him. For the only pure thing, I had left to serve as some glimmer of hope for him. He sniffled and wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. He reached for me and his hand landed on my stomach, I swallowed the lump in my throat and he put his hand under my chin. He turned my head toward him and landed a sweet kiss on my hand.

He then leaned over and landed a powerful kiss on my lips. My lips were stagnant against his and when he pulled away he just nodded his head knowingly. "Fine, I'll send the papers in tomorrow," he slammed my door shut and I held my breath until I heard his bike roll away. "Don't cry, "I urged myself as I drove away from Charming.