The albatross journey

62 - I'll be there

Sanem

- Tamam is fine, see you at 8.30pm at my place? I'll surprise you with something special, you'll see -

I nod and greet him smiling and then go to get my bag in the dressing room and leave the set.
I need to be alone, I need to get away from him for a few hours to understand how I feel, what last night means for me and for us. I take a long walk, lost in my thoughts, and then take a taxi back to my beloved lake. I get dropped off on the beach, far enough away from home to have time to walk calmly and collect my thoughts.
I stop every now and then to throw some stones into the water, it is dark but the silence and the stillness of the lake at night can still calm me down. In two days the filming will be over, Can will be ready to leave and our paths will once again diverge. His life is in Istanbul, at the Fikri Harika, while mine will be in Izmir in the coming months and then who knows where.

I'm going back to Istanbul for Layla and Emre's wedding, we'll meet again then of course, but what kind of relationship can we build when we live hundreds of kilometres apart?

I am torn between a thousand doubts, my heart is asking me to give us another chance as it still rejoices at the thought of what we shared last night. It was magical, something incredible that I knew I could only experience with him because my heart belongs to him and it will be like that forever. I felt viscerally that what was happening between us was right, only with Can will I ever be able to experience something so unique and special.
I have no regrets or second thoughts.
I know I went against what I was taught, what is at the basis of my roots and traditions, but I felt and I am convinced that it is right to live the love I feel for him to the fullest, in every way, regardless of what the future may hold.
How can I think of doing without him?
But at the same time, how can I give up my dreams?
It would not be fair to myself, I have come to understand that love must give, must enrich not take away.

I walk for a long time on the dimly moonlit beach, slowly regaining my composure and trying to put everything into perspective.
I arrive at the path that enters the woods and leads to what, for now, I consider home. I walk along it slowly until I get to the semi-detached house which, it seems, has been 'our' semi-detached house for some time without my having any idea.
The light in Can's kitchen is on; he is no doubt busy preparing his special dinner. I smile in amusement, but also delight at his enthusiasm and commitment to everything that concerns us.

I open the gate and walk down the driveway, continuing to look at that lighted window, at that presence that is so dear to me, so essential, and which I find impossible to think of giving up.
I get to the door and, in the dim light coming from the street lamps, I see something hanging in front of me, a note that seems to be flying in mid-air.
II look curiously at the roof of the porch and discover that it is tied with a string to a red heart-shaped balloon.. Ah Can ah, what have you come up with this time?
I open the door and take Can's mysterious flying message into the house with me, unable to suppress an excited smile. In the light of the entrance I can open the envelope and read the message written on the card inside and my heart can't help but feel itself bursting with all the love I feel for him.

_____________________

I only want to love you twice in my life.
Now and forever.

Yours forever, Can

_____________________

I look up excitedly at the balloon, tears in my eyes I clutch to my chest that card which is the most beautiful declaration of love you can imagine.
How can I resist his words? How can I resist him and that sincere love I felt in every touch last night? You can't fake certain emotions, it wasn't just passion, I felt his bewitched and reverent touch was moved by the feelings I know I have for him.