The albatross journey

28 - Bitte, it's over

Can

- Hoşçakal, goodbye -

I stand paralysed, unable to move or utter a word, motionless, following Sanem with an astonished look as she turns her back and climbs the stairs to resolutely leave Fikri Harika and my life, perhaps forever.

Once again I find myself imagining that I feel the agony she must have felt when she saw me leave the agency after the photo shoot, ready to leave for the Balkans and out of her life, accompanied by my ex.

My God, how could I have done this to her?
How could I make her feel this atrocious sense of loss and despair to think that someone you love with all your heart has decided not to be part of your life anymore?
How could I not realise that I had torn her soul apart?
The image of her with her hand on the glass of the terminal comes back, as if begging me not to leave, as she follows my plane as it is about to take off.
How did she feel at the idea that I was leaving her forever?
The way I feel right now, I feel like I'm out of breath and the ground beneath my feet, I have no way to keep her here or chance to see her now that she's left the agency. How am I going to win back her trust, make her understand that I love her more than anything in the world if I can't see her and talk to her? I feel like dying inside at the idea of losing her and yet I have to take note of my faults, I imposed my absence on her for months, I made her resign herself to living without me and now I would like that, since I have changed my mind, she would accept me with open arms in her life?

How do you think a woman who has suffered the worst betrayal can trust you? You turned your back on her decisively, you told her it was over, that she was no longer anyone special to you, you abandoned her, how can you expect her to believe in your words again Can Divit?

The guys from the agency are moving around me to tidy up the room after the impromptu party in honour of Sanem, I remain motionless in the middle of the room for an indefinite time, it's Deren who shakes me from that trance-like state by laying a gentle hand on my arm - Can, are you ok? -

- No Deren, I'm not ok at all, but it's all my fault -

I softly caress her cheek to thank her for her help in organising the party and for her sincere concern for me, over time she has become a dear friend as well as a trusted collaborator.

I then move resolutely towards the stairs to leave the agency, I'm restless, I can't stay there and I wouldn't be able to work anyway with all the confused thoughts swirling around in my head. As I get into my truck, one thought is clear: I have to talk to her.
I can't think that it's really over.

I start the engine and head resolutely towards the seafront to see if she has gone to sit on those rocks in front of the Leandro Tower, which have always been her refuge and comfort and then, over time, our favourite place.

She's not there, I stop and wait in the car in the hope of seeing her appear, but she doesn't, I start the car and drive to her neighbourhood. I stop the car at the spot where I stood the night before and make myself comfortable in the hope of seeing her come out once again for her usual walk towards the Bosphorus.

The wait is long and it is only long afterwards that I see a taxi stop in front of her house and shortly afterwards the door finally opens. I straighten up on the careful seat in the hope of seeing her come out and in fact it is her, what shocks me is what I see next. Nihat comes out shortly after carrying two bulky suitcases, a sense of unease begins to set in and my heart starts beating wildly when I see him loading them into the boot of the taxi while Sanem is sitting on the back seat.

No, no, what's going on? Where is she going? There's no way she's leaving.

Once again that unbearable anguish, once again the regret for what I have done and that I am now reliving but from the point of view of someone who sees the other half of his heart leaving.