The albatross journey

36 - Balance

Sanem

How I managed to turn my back on him and walk away I don't even know, the Sanem I was, the one who fell madly in love with his albatross even before knowing who he was, was a naive dreamer who had to go through the hell of the most bitter disappointment to become the one who has now found the strength to tell him clearly that nothing about our relationship has survived after he left.

I hurriedly walk up the stairs and pause for a few moments before walking through the living room door trying to compose myself, I feel upset but this is a special night for my sister and my family and that's all that must matter to me right now. I take a deep breath, squaring my shoulders and stepping back in resolutely to place the tray on the low coffee table in the living room and return to sit next to Layla.

When Can re-enters the room I carefully avoid looking in his direction even though, throughout the evening, I'm aware that his gaze doesn't leave me for a single moment. I feel it as if it were a constant touch on my skin, but I do violence to myself to try to remain impassive and apparently indifferent.

Everything unfolds as usual, the coffee offered to the guests, the general amusement at the groom's disgusted expression at the first sip of his salty coffee, then the official request from Aziz and my father proudly granting the hand of his eldest daughter. At that moment, for just an instant, our eyes met, both of us aware that we had dreamt of this moment a long time ago, an eternity ago, when I could still allow myself to believe in fairy tales and happy endings.

With a squeeze in my heart I look away, aware that it is useless to think about something that was absurd to even imagine. There will always be a journey for the albatross, it is inherent in its nature and it was naive and useless of me to believe that it could stop here in Istanbul with me forever.
It took me some time and many tears shed, but I have finally come to understand that I was a poor deluded woman from the start to believe that it would change for me. I'm sure that, as soon as the HXC Cosmetics campaign is over, he will be ready to leave again for who knows what corner of the world, because that is his nature and a call he cannot resist in any way.

I shake off these thoughts, inappropriate at this moment, to experience the excitement of Aziz cutting the red ribbon that links the engagement rings on the couple's fingers. I have tears in my eyes and squeeze my mother's shoulders, who is as excited as I am to see our Layla looking radiantly at the man she loves.
This evening is immense joy and torment at the same time, I am happy to live it with my family but it is also a continuous agony to have Can so close, in my house, and not being able to avoid thinking about what could have been.

Kisses, hugs, tears, congratulations, for a moment our living room becomes a chaotic exchange of smiles, pats on the back and tears of emotion. For a moment we brush against each other in the narrow space between the coffee table and the sofa as we both get up from our seats to go and congratulate the bride and groom-to-be. He fixes his gaze firmly on mine and once again I feel his warm breath in my hair as he whispers in my ear - We both know we have dreamed that we would live this moment one day, I just want you to know that I still dream about it Sanem and I will do everything in my power to make it come true, rest assured -
Allah Allah, this night seems to be never ending, the trials he is putting me through seem to be endless and I am starting to falter under the blows of words that I feel are stuck in my mind and heart even though I keep telling myself that they are just empty and meaningless.

It's only much later that I'm able to breathe again, I feel like I've been holding my breath the whole evening and, when I was beginning to believe it was over, he gives me the coup de grace by turning towards me at the end of the stairs hiding me from the sight of all the others already on the doorstep ready to say goodbye.
He takes my hand and brings it to his lips looking at me with that deep look of his trying to say something that I'm no longer willing to listen to, he places a gentle kiss on my cheek saying simply - Görüşürüz Sanem, görüşürüz see you soon - I would have liked to reply that I'm about to leave and that we'll probably have the chance to meet again in the future just at Emre and Layla's wedding, but this time it's him who suddenly moves away leaving me speechless with one of those smiles of his that always make my knees tremble.

I thought about that smile for a long time that night and the next day on the journey back to Ankara, it was a memorable weekend for my family but extremely nerve-wracking for me and my restless soul.

Having him so close destabilised me, his touch, being back in his arms for a few moments during the dance, his words whispered through my hair like he used to do when we were something special to each other, it was all too much to handle for a forlorn heart that still bleeds.

It wasn't easy to face and let go of the memory of what was, it takes me days to find that hard-earned balance again after months of anguish and disappointment.

I can only find my stability again thanks to the peace of the magical place where I have decided to live, I spend every free minute of the day on the beach by the lake trying to regain the control lost thanks to the silence and peace of that place.

Even though the evenings are getting colder and colder, I stay still until the sun disappears behind the hills on the other side of the lake, counting the stars one by one as they light up in the night sky.

This place gives me peace, it helps me find myself and the balance that has been lost since I returned to Istanbul and saw it again.

I take long walks on the beach during which I feel like I can breathe again as I used to only be able to do on the rocks in front of the Bosphorus, this place is even more peaceful since its waters are hardly rough and the cold winds, which I am used to in Istanbul, do not blow here as they normally do on the seashore at this time of year.

During one of these walks, one evening I came across a tiny woman who was pulling her boat ashore with enormous effort. I couldn't help but hurry to help her, and before long we had joined forces and succeeded. Her words of thanks and her warm, welcoming gaze won me over from the very first moment.

She is a small woman with a contagious smile and a big heart, Mihriban, and it didn't take long before I found myself chatting with her as if we had known each other all our lives.

Since that evening it has almost become a daily ritual, at sunset, after sitting for hours on the shore watching the sky change colour, I go for my usual walk and she is always there waiting for me for our pleasant evening meeting. We talk about everything and nothing, it is nice to have someone to talk to who is not just work related, as happens to me for most of the day.

Since I've been in Ankara only with Dilara have I deepened my knowledge and I'm beginning to feel that she could become a dear friend, with her it's as easy to talk as with this woman who seems to have known me forever or maybe she can understand me because she seems very similar to me.

As the days went by, the pleasure of being together could no longer be reduced to chatting at sunset and soon we began to be invited to dinner at my place or hers.

Gradually our stories came out and we understood why we feel such kindred spirits, we are both women who have survived the loss of the great love of our lives, a love that has scarred us both, almost destroyed us in fact.

She told me how that young love deeply marked her and her existence for more than thirty years, because after him there was no room for anyone else in her heart. I guess that's what awaits me too, I feel deep down that I still can't love like I loved my albatross, Can was the personification of the man of my childhood dreams and I don't think anyone will ever be able to make me feel what he made me feel since our first magical meeting in the dark of the theatre.

It is with her that, for the first time in months, I admit what I really feel, the weight of having to be strong at all costs, having to continue with my life and my career while having on my heart the constant weight of the absence of someone who, in the end, we know is essential to our existence.

She can understand me, she has been living with this feeling for decades even if with time she has learned to find joy and satisfaction in the little things in life as I am learning to do, even if it is only the wonder of a fiery sunset on the lake.

It is thanks to the lake, to the clear skies and to this singular woman that I am getting back to finding myself and my balance, that strength that must necessarily sustain me if I want to give meaning to every day of my life without him.