The albatross journey

35 - Words

Sanem

As I turn my back on him and leave the room, I don't know what feeling is prevailing in my soul, which at this moment seems to have lost every point of reference.
His closeness has confused me and shaken me to the core, it wasn't easy to be in his arms again to the notes of that song that several months before had seen me, for a few moments, still hopeful that things could be fixed. I wished so much at that moment that he could understand that the love that united us could overcome even that obstacle, but in the end it wasn't so and only my tortured heart knows what it cost me to try to accept it.

I can't resist his touch, his masculine scent, his gaze that, I have to admit, seems sincere when he looks at me with such intensity and something that could be regret or nostalgia, but it's still something I'm afraid to name because I'm afraid to start hoping again.

I forget that I came with Layla and Ayhan, I forget everything, I'm so upset by the thousands of sensations that his unexpected closeness caused me, it took me unawares, I wasn't ready to see him tonight and the walls I've learned to put up every time he's in front of me weren't ready to protect me from the feeling I'm aware of feeling for him despite everything.

I get into the first available taxi almost without realising it, I can't believe what he's done tonight, wanting me to stand next to him and Deren on that stage and have words of praise for me on such a special occasion, I never, ever expected such a nice gesture from him.

He could have taken all the credit for a campaign that promises to be a real success and instead he wanted to acknowledge and praise my contribution in front of everyone.
I can't help but think back to that moment when he turned to me and his warm breath in my hair whispered that perfume doesn't matter, that it's only me he wants. His words and closeness sent a warm shiver running down my spine and, breathless at what this could mean, I was unable to utter a single word in response.

He wants me, he still wants me, he said exactly that, he wants me now and forever.
How can I handle these words, how can I face him tomorrow night at my house as if nothing happened when I know my stupid heart would love to believe him ?
Ah Sanem, ah, you'll never recover from this feeling that can only destroy you, you haven't learnt your lesson yet and you'd like to let go, trust again only to find yourself again who knows how many times in the back seat of a taxi crying bitter tears as he has already led you to do in the past.

I take a deep breath and try to compose myself, I ask the taxi driver to take me to the promenade instead of home as I had initially said.
I need the air of the Bosphorus to clear my mind and to regain control of myself, it takes hours for me to become firm in my intentions. Just one day, I will only see him tomorrow evening and then I will go back to that life which is now mine more than the previous one, in Ankara I am my own boss, I feel determined in my work and happy in the peace of my house by the lake.
That is where I belong and that is where I will return soon, remembering this weekend in Istanbul as a fleeting dream, an interlude of something that can never be again.
I return home late at night again firm in my intention to avoid him as much as possible and once again master of myself, I just have to get through tomorrow night and then it will be over, once back in Ankara I may never see him again.

Can

Last night she left without turning back for the umpteenth time since I've been back and trying to talk to her, she left without hesitation exactly as I did a few months ago and I can't do anything but accept it, not that it didn't hurt, but I knew it would most likely happen.
My erkenci kuş is injured, I realise this very well and I know that I have to approach her with extreme care, careful not to frighten her and at the same time make her understand that I just want to have the chance to fix what I have ruined.
I park the truck in her neighbourhood, and with my father and Emre we head excitedly towards Aydin's house under the eyes of the neighbours who have evidently been informed of what is going to happen.