The albatross journey

22 - Deck of Cards

Can

I remain motionless in the cockpit of my off-road vehicle, watching her as she gets out of the man's car, waves to him and stands on the landing to watch him go.
I can't believe my luck when, a little later, instead of entering the house, I see her heading down the road towards, I imagine, the seafront.

I knew it, she can't go a single day without sitting on the rocks and looking at the Bosphorus, it's as vital to her as the air she breathes.
I get out of my off-road vehicle and follow her, keeping my distance, I know exactly where she is going and in fact shortly afterwards there she is, sitting on that flat rock that has always been her refuge and our favourite meeting place.

I watch her as she sits down and clasps her knees to her chest with her arms, raising her head to look at a beautiful full moon now high in the sky.
It's now or never I say to myself, step up Can Divit and try to make it up to her.

I approach her slowly and call out to her, I don't want her to be frightened by someone approaching her at this late hour. She turns suddenly towards me and stands up with the intention of leaving, I stop her by taking her arm - Sanem please don't leave, can we talk? - She turns towards me once again with that icy look I've never seen in her before.

- Talk? Us? Since when can we TALK Can Divit? You've never allowed us to do so in the past and I don't think there's any need to do so now -

-Lütfen please Sanem, I'd like to explain .... -

- Ah, now you've decided that YOU have to explain, when I wanted to explain you didn't let me so, why should I listen to you now? -

- Çünkü seni çok seviyorum because I love you so much Sanem, that's why -

She stands still and looks at me for endless moments, it's no longer the time to hide or prevaricate, after what I've seen tonight, after I've realized that I can really lose her forever I can't afford it anymore. I must take advantage of the fact that she stopped to listen to me to say everything I feel.

- Sanem, I ask your forgiveness for what I did, for what I did to you.
I was an arrogant fool to leave, I shouldn't have done it, in my defence I can only say that I realised, in these months away from you, that I did it because I was afraid. I was terrified by the depth of the feelings I felt and I did what I have always been used to doing when I feel unable to manage situations, I ran away. But let me be clear, it was not you I wanted to run away from, I wanted to run away from myself, from the terror of not knowing how to love you as you deserved, I was afraid of not being worthy of the great love I read in your eyes. The perfume was just a ruse, that perfume has no value, what matters is only you -

I would like to add something else, but her hand rising imperatively blocks me.

I see her transform, the naive and in love young woman I knew becomes in front of my eyes a strong-willed woman, but also hurt and disappointed.

- Enough Can, don't go on, I don't want to listen to your empty words anymore, because this is what they are, just empty words as empty were the declarations of love you made to me in the past, even in this very place.
You have declared your love to me dozens of times just like you did just now, you asked me to marry you, you promised me that you would never let go of my hand and that you would keep me safe during the storms. What happened to all those words when you turned your back on me to leave the agency and then when you got on that plane with that woman? -

- Listen, Polen, don't...

- I don't want to hear any more. Do you have any idea how insignificant you've made me feel, how unimportant, how worthless? Do you have any idea how much you've hurt me?
No, I don't think you can understand, in your life you're used to doing the good and the bad, you're the centre of the universe and everything and everyone has to revolve around you.
I have news for you Can Divit, I am no longer your satellite, I am no longer willing to suffer your mood swings or give you any chance to hurt me again.
Benden uzak dur stay away from me, I don't need you now like I haven't needed you in the last five months when you've been who knows where.
Leave me alone, tomorrow will be the last chance for us to meet, after that I think our paths will part and have no reason to cross again.
Bon voyage Can Divit, wherever you decide to go, I wish you bon voyage.
SHoşçakal goodbye -

She passes me by with a quick step, I remain petrified for a moment for the suffering that I perceived in her words and for the meaning that comes overpowering to make my heart lose a beat. No, it can't be too late.

I run after her between the rocks, grab her by the arm firmly and force her to turn towards me, holding her to my chest, my short breath intertwining with hers.

- Do you have any idea what's special about us when we're together?

It's unique Sanem, I know for a fact that only with you can I experience such feelings -

I whisper this on her lips and then do what I've wanted to do for months, even before I left, even as I thought of leaving her and never seeing her again.

I kiss her, trying to put in my touch on her lips all the desire, the tenderness, the love I feel for her, only for her and for no one else in the world.

I hear her sigh and relax in my arms, I inhale her scent deeply and hold her tighter aware that I am back in paradise, that I am where I belong, holding her exactly where she belongs.

It's a desperate kiss, a kiss dictated by the need for her that I feel after all this time apart and the anguish that she might actually decide it's over between us. I gently stroke her back and then move my hands up through her hair to frame her face.

I suddenly feel her stiffen and place her hands on my chest to take a step away. She looks up at me with fiery eyes as she tries to calm her breathing as hurried as mine.

- I've always known Can, I've always known that what we were together was something unique and special, it was you who decided to destroy it, that's what you did the moment you stepped on that plane -

She turns to walk away at a brisk pace and I can't do anything but start slowly behind her, if only to make sure she gets home safely at this time of night.

I see her disappear through the front door and I lean against my truck for hours looking at the window of her room to feel her near, I see the light come on and then go off shortly after.

Goodnight aşkım, my love.

I can't give myself peace, I sit on the pavement and think back to what she said to me tonight. I made her feel insignificant, worthless, while I feel myself dying to think how important she is to me now as I know she will be forever.

Damn you Can Divit, how could you have hurt her so deeply?

I shake my head disconsolately.

Did I really destroy everything with my stupid behaviour?

Or are those few moments when she surrendered in my arms the proof that something to fight for still exists?

I want to believe it does, I have to believe it does because I can't bear to think otherwise. I promised myself just a few hours before, I will do everything to make up for what I did to her, I can't give up, I will never, ever do that.

She, I realise only now, did everything for me or rather fought tenaciously for us. She followed me when I ran away to a hotel in the country and pretended to want to attend a seminar that was taking place there at that time in order to be near me.

At this moment, with tears in my eyes, I can almost hear the notes of that beautiful song, "Deck of Cards", which had been able to create a magical atmosphere between us laced up in a dance.

What a fool I was, if I had kissed her while holding her close to me and then simply said - Nothing matters more than you Sanem, only you matter to me - we would be happy together now, maybe even married long ago.

Ah Can Ah, what have you done.

Come on, shuffle the cards in the deck that fate and your foolish behaviour have dealt you and try to choose the right ones to play to win back her love.