The albatross journey

59 - Dreams and doubts

Sanem

I woke up in his embrace, I saw first of all that smile of his that could confuse my every coherent thought, then those passionate gestures and words that made me feel special, unique and finally happy after months of darkness and pain.

Now I'm here watching him from behind as he drives, I see him glance at me from time to time full of emotions that I'm afraid to try to interpret. He takes my hand and intertwines his fingers with mine in that intimate gesture that, since our first moments together, has always made me feel loved and protected by the grip and warmth of his big hand.
I feel like I'm dreaming, like I've gone back to those first carefree moments when I felt the urge to lean out of the window and shout to the whole world that I love my albatross to death, because I do, what I feel has never failed in spite of the disappointment and pain I've experienced.
I don't know what to think, I'm afraid, a black fear of making another mistake and seeing him turn his back on me again. I am terrified of believing, of still looking forward to a future with him only to be told again that it is over, that our relationship is not so special and that I am just like anyone else in his eyes.
The scars on my soul are still there, desolate and bleeding, reminding me of what it meant to see him turn his back on me and fly away convinced he would never come back, not something you can forget.
I turn to look out the window, instinctively raising a hand to touch the cold, fogged glass, remembering the heartbreak I felt watching his plane take off and become an indistinct dot in the sky. It's something you don't get over easily, it's a dull pain that remains silent until you recall those moments and your heart starts pounding in your chest again, reliving the feeling of not being able to breathe and the abyss of despair I felt myself falling into.

- Sanem? Are you alright? - I turn to look at him for a moment and then quickly look away, I don't want him to read my anguish, the doubts that are coming to ruin the daydream we've been living since the night before, the romantic dinner on the lake and then with the night of passion we shared.

Fear seems to take over everything, over the timid hope I have felt reborn in these hours and over the happiness I have felt experiencing something incredible in his arms. I am afraid, afraid of loving, of not being enough, of opening my heart to him only to see it fall apart again.

Beginning to forget who I was
I've lost the person I love
I'm afraid that you know me
I just wanted you to hold me
Tell me that I am the only one
The only one you can love
I didn't know we'd be here but now we are
I didn't know I would fall for you so much
I didn't know we'd be here but now we are
I didn't know love could tear me apart
Are you afraid of love?
Because I'm afraid of love,
Am I enough for you?
Are you afraid of love?
Because I'm afraid of love enough
# To give my heart to you again #
Get up every morning broken
Smiling but inside I know
Saying that it's only a moment
Telling myself that everything will be alright
But I just want this to end
If only I could show you
I'll be the only one
The only one you can trust
I didn't know we'd be here but now we are
I didn't know I'd fall for you so much
I didn't know we'd be here but now we are
I didn't know love could tear me apart
Are you afraid of love?
Because I'm afraid of love,
am I enough for you?
Are you afraid of love?
Because I'm scared of love enough
# To give my heart to you again #

We arrive at the new set in a strange silence, not tense but not completely relaxed, a silence full of thoughts chasing each other and overlapping, conflicting feelings fighting each other to get the upper hand and guide me to act in one way rather than another. I'm about to go downstairs when Can stops me and puts his hand on my arm.

I shake my head turning towards him. -Time and space, remember Can? - He looks at me intensely nodding - Yes, you're right, time and space to think about this too but... - He takes my face in his hands and kisses me with the most tender of touches, an adoring kiss, of total devotion, I feel it, and I can't help but return it with nothing but the same intense involvement. He pulls his face away to fix his gaze in mine - Think about this, about what we have and what we can still have Sanem-.

I nod as I hurry to leave the cockpit and make my way at a brisk pace to the set and the crew guys who are getting everything ready for the day's shooting.
I try to immerse myself in the work immediately, trying to put aside thoughts and doubts; this is not the time or place to deal with such emotions.
I see Hakan and Dilara arrive shortly after, I knew they would come by before leaving together for a two-day business trip to Adalia. I take a deep breath, straighten my shoulders and head towards where they stopped to talk to the guys setting up the lights for the set.
I know what I have to do and I know I have to do it now, it's only right.