Crash and burn

Chapter 47

I had never felt more prepared for a face then Hungary. I had been working hard for two weeks and making good progress in my sim times. On top of that I had no 'girlfriend obligations' to fulfil so there was plenty of time to myself to work.

Before I left the garage for qualifying, I closed my eyes and ran through the track over my head, I knew it like the back of my hand.
CS: "yn cmon time to go."
She knocked from the other side of the door summoning me out.
CS: "ready?"
YN: "I'm keen, I feel good."
She smiled from ear to ear.
CS: "that's what we like to hear, smash it out there!"
As I walked down the stairs we ran into lando.
He smiled at me as I came down the stairs first but hid it away as char followed me down.
He put out his fist for a bump which I met with confusion.
LN: "good luck."
YN: "yeah back at you."

It was a brief run in as he kept moving forwards up the stairs.
I shot a confused look at char who just shrugged her shoulders.
I worried that it had something to do with there conversation a week ago when she ran in to us in the car park, when she was around landos mood always shifted in a way I couldn't quite put my finger on.

I moved it to the back of my mind to revisit later though, now was time to flip the switch and translate my hard work into a good result.

Q1 got my heart racing, I put in an average lap time which had me sitting in P13. When I was in the middle of an amazing run the red flags came out.
YN: "argh tell me we are through."
M: "just, P14."
We made a few adjustments before going out for Q2.
P8.
It was good but I was saving the best for last.
P fucking 4.

It felt amazing.
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I walked over to the line of reporters, for once it didn't feel like a chore.
R: "brilliant driving by McLaren today starting P4 and for the first time in years P1!"
YN: "landos starting P1?!"
I readjusted my hat with a shocked look on my face.
R: "suprised?"
YN: "I mean I know it's well within his capabilities, I guess you've just caught me off guard."
R: "Well I can't believe nobody from McLaren told you!"
Neither. It was chars job...
YN: "well regardless you've got me even more keen for tommorow!"
I tried to suppress any hint of tension that would point towards lando and I being in the midst of a break up.
R: "we saw two weeks ago a battle between you and lando that caused him to drop in the drivers championship but you get your first podium. Did that create any troubles between you two?"
It was obvious things were off. One of the first things I should've been told was about lando.
YN: "momentarily, which is understandable it's an emotional sport but you know we worked through it and I think today's results go to show we have come out the other end stronger."
I didn't bother looking for chars approval on the answer, it was the right answer.
But more reason for that was my frustration.
She was tip-toeing around me, the last thing I wanted.
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As we walked away slowly distancing from the microphones of the reporters, I hurried my pace in hopes to loose char.
CS: "yn."
Her voice cut with authority.
It halted me all together.
CS: "your mad?"
YN: "yeah a little."
CS: "because I didn't talk to you about lando."
YN: "I looked like an idiot. And it's not the only thing...what did you tell him."
CS: "huh?"
YN: "come on in the garage!"
CS: "we already talked about this."
YN: "every time your around he changes how he acts around me."
She bit her bottom lip.
CS: "I told him to distance himself from you."
I sighed, more disappointed in her than mad.
CS: "I had my reasons I just need you to trust me."
YN: "I don't care."

I took a jarring right into the truck to cut off our discussion and hide in my room for a bit. I was over crying, it was the last thing I wanted to do.

Instead I opted for playing calming music and closing my eyes. I walked down to find the hidden space under the trailer where lando and I shared our first kiss.

I needed to maintain a cool head, tomorrow was a big day and I wasn't going to let chars arguably stupid actions get in the way.
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LN: "yn...hello?"
Lando was waving his hand in my face, the other gently pulling out an AirPod.
LN: "you fell asleep I'm guessing."
I rubbed my eyes as I yawned. When did I get so tired?
YN: "what are you doing here?"
After handing back the AirPod he made himself comfortable on the opposite wall.
LN: "if I remember correctly this was my spot first."
My smile was tainted with sadness as I reminisced the honey moon phase that was the beginning of our relationship.
YN: "I needed an escape and this is all I could think of."
LN: "escape from what?"
YN: "everything I guess...trying to keep calm and not loose my shit at someone or fall into a depressive state before tomorrow."
He nodded understandably.
LN: "P4 I heard, congrats."
YN: "okay but P1? Amazing!"
In the shadows I saw him flash a teethy smile. Unable to respond to the compliment he looked down and shook out his hair with his hand.

YN: "you didn't tell me why you were here."
We had been sitting in silence for a few moments before I couldn't hold off my curiosity.
LN: "I always feel excited and alive coming here in the dark, where nobody knows where I am. Hidden from the cameras and questions...the expectations."
YN: "an escape."
LN: "precisely."
YN: "I had an escape back home, we lived close to the city so it was urbanization everywhere, but there was this massive park that used to be  farm property, huge trees and narrow dirt trails...I would go there whenever I found my anxiety became too overwhelming."
LN: "how has that been going? Your anxiety I mean."
We hadn't had a real conversation for so long, he was very behind.
YN: "I'm doing good, got a real therapist who has been working wonders, haven't had a panic attack in a while.."
LN: "so your doing good?"
YN: "im good."
It came out with all the air in my lungs. I was being completely honest, I was in a good place.
Lando seemed to relax, his shoulders came forward.
LN: "good."
His eyes fixated on me, it rehashed chemistry I was trying to leave behind.
I indulged in his stare for a while before breaking eye contact, wiping my hands on my shirt and getting up.
YN: "I'm gonna head off, sleep in a real bed, hope you find your escape."
LN: "me too."
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As I snuck away, driving too the hotel, I couldn't stop thinking about lando. I felt as though I hadn't done enough for him. Whilst I had char to talk to on the road I worried he had nobody. Sure there were his guy friends in the team but they weren't as close as we had been, and I know guys don't talk about raw problems.

I pinched my lips trying to find a solution for the problem. The solution walked into the hotel out of a cab around the same time I parked my car. Jess. He could talk to Jess.

I ran to catch up to her, finally getting to her in the elevator.
JH: "hey there, stunning drive today!"
YN: "thank you. I wanted to talk to you about two things."
In the elevator I knew I needed to be quick so I got straight to the point.
JH: "shoot."
YN: "okay so firstly I was wondering if you and I could go out some time during the early part of the summer break and you could introduce me to some friends who perhaps no nothing about F1?"
JH: "oh my god yes I thought you would never ask."
I laughed, partially due to my relief that she accepted the offer.
YN: "secondly, do you talk much to Lando?"
She scrunched her nose thinking.
JH: "Yeah I guess, I wouldn't say we were super close though."
YN: "can you make sure he is okay?"
Her look quickly shifted from curious to concerned.
JH: "why me? What's wrong?"
YN: "I don't know what, that's why I need you too ask. Our break up is still raw and-"
I was saved by the opening of the elevator doors.
JH: "consider it done, I'll send a message about our break plans."
I blew her an air kiss as she walked out, grateful for everything she was doing.

I swiftly changed into my pjs, set an alarm and immersed myself into bed. As I dozed off, I continued to hope that lando was okay, imagining situations in my head. It killed me I couldn't be there for him, but this was for the best, he needed someone else.