Crash and burn

Chapter 33

After spending the whole day in bed, only leaving to go to the bathroom or to get lando and I lunch, I was completely refreshed.  Which was good because we were on the grind from 7am.

After finishing off a weights circuit with lando I got a call on my phone. My heart fluttered when I saw the name appear.
H: "yn! You answered!"
YN: "like I promised! How are you holly?"
H: "I know your probably training for Baku but I have nationals today and I'm freaking out!"
I heard her heavy breathing through the phone. She was practically a clone of me. I focused in though knowing I had to help her.
YN: "it's alright talk me through what's going on in your head."
H: "well this is the first big comp where my club introduced the girl team, if we don't pull in any cash prize what is going to happen? Will he cut the team?" Ahhh I was quite familiar with the story line of burdens.
YN: "I know it's hard but try to focus on rational thoughts, he won't cut the team this early on, and nationals is still a great achievement with a team that just got put on the map."
When her only response was still her jaggered breathing I pinched the bridge of my nose to release the now surmounting pressure. Lando finally caught on and was spectating with worry.
YN: "we are going to breath together alright."
For about 5minutes I walked her through breathing exercises and mantras to calm down. I clung to anything.
H: "erm.. I think I'm feeling better now."
I sighed with relief.
YN: "have you ever had anxiety attacks before?"
H: "no, it was scary. I didn't want my parents to know because they might pull me out and you were the next person I thought of...sorry."
YN: "hey hey don't be sorry! That's why I gave you my number."
There was a touch of silence before I decided to cement with her everything we talked about.
YN: "are you the only girl on your team?"
H: "no there's a few others, why?"
YN: "so you know that means that all the pressure isn't just on your shoulders."
H: "I guess.. thanks again, and good luck for your race!"
YN: "good luck to you too! You'll smash it!"

As I hung up the phone I told lando who was on the phone and how she was having a panic attack.
LN: "funny."
YN: "what!? What about this is funny?"
LN: "you gave her all that advice that you can't take yourself..."
His words spilled out more anxiously towards the end. The words hurt more than I knew he meant them too.
YN: "it's not really in my control. I thought you would know that by now."
LN: "that's not what I meant..."
I clenched my jaw.
YN: "I know. I get where you are coming from."
LN: "does it help at all? Like getting perspective?"
I nodded. It did a little bit.
————————

Days later in qualifying I was still thinking about holly. I called her mum to ask how she went and she said she did uncharacteristically bad, placing towards the bottom. I hadn't decided whether or not to tell her mum about the panic attack.

Also competing for attention in my mind was Jess. She was now everywhere, any moment I wasn't talking to lando she was talking to him. And I didn't want to fuel landos humor by prying so I've been suppressing it. Char said she wanted to employ her full time when her internship was over, and I only assumed that Char would focus on me seeing how close we are leaving Jess all that more time with lando.

As I left the garage for Q2 I saw them talking and her brush her hand up his arm and that was the final straw, the floodgates opened and I was impaired by anger. Even if he would never go there, clearly she wanted too.
M: "okay and push lap, push lap, all clear behind."
As I pushed further snd further on the accelerator I was finding it difficult to hit corners, instead of visualizing what was coming up on the track I was visualizing her stupid fucking hand on him.
M: "unfortunately that was P12 only just in front of George and behind stroll."
YN: "argh! Sorry guys terrible job by me today."
I turned off the comm before progressing to a scream.
YN: "fuck!"
Thankfully the engine masked my meltdown.

The icing on the seven layer shit cake was being paired with George for the press conference. The media frothed over the rivalry between us. I gave him plenty of space before going up the stage, wanting to be as far away from him as possible until I couldn't prevent the inevitable.
R: "we now welcome our next pairing George Russell starting P13 and Yn yln who will be just ahead in P12."
Before I could even say hi or acknowledge the reporter George spoke into the microphone.
GR: "not for long."
My eyes rolled behind. Dick.
R: "the qualifying was uncharacteristic for you yn, what seemed to be the problem today?"
I tsked.
YN: "it's hard to say it was uncharacteristic I mean it's my first year and there are still kinks to smooth out." I tried to defend myself but sounded like an idiot.
GR: "I think what he is trying to say is you've gone from high up in the midfield to P12..."
Geez thanks George for that valuable input. Snickers echoed through the room.
YN: "I know! I don't get to see you much in races but at least you'll get a nice view of the rear!"
I saw char across the room give a pointed look and a hand motion telling me to calm down. I was gonna get in trouble for that one but it didn't bother me, I needed to stand up for myself.
It met George silent, he played it off smiling to the ground but I knew his blood was boiling.
R: "George we move questions to you know, any talk about potentially filling the seat at Mercedes next year?"
Yes, hit him where it hurts. He shuffled in his seat, to anyone without context it would be overlooked, I however saw how uncomfortable the question made him.
GR: "I uh.. have had talks with a few teams, nothing really concrete to say to you all yet."
Mmm interesting.
R: "but really who else will that Mercedes seat go to?"
George let out a small chuckle.
That was the question though still unanswered, who was the seat going to if not George?

We answered a few light hearted questions from the fans before being released. As I stepped off the stage George called quietly for me to stay back.

I turned around unsure what to find. His eyes were surprisingly soft, his eyebrows drawn together.
GR: "I just wanted to say thanks for backing off, I'm sure lando told you and .... I just don't want people knowing yet.."
I pressed my lips into a line.
YN: "I'll acknowledge that I'm no fan of yours but I'm not a bitch."
He nodded and that was it. I walked away leaving it there. It was an odd thing to have a civil conversation with him. But his situation was difficult which earned him some sympathy. Tommorow however I was going to show no remorse.