Crash and burn

Chapter 35

The weekend went mostly well, I made back to P10 and lando remained on podium P3. The team were pretty happy even if I could've done better given a good qualifying.

I fell onto my couch as I got home. This was a big two weeks ahead in preparation for silverstone. I groaned as I thought about everything I had on the agenda. Tomorrow I was meeting with a new therapist in Woking before going to a pre race meeting in the MTC as we unpack how to prepare. Whilst Jason was great to talk to about race related stress, the crippling insecurities of mine were more so a problem for someone I could openly talk about my relationship and other shit with.

I rolled around on my stomach, bravely opening an email from char titled tommorow!
6am - MTC rehab and recovery
7am- PR meeting
7:30am- sim run through
9am - team meeting
10-11am- breakfeast
11:20am - appointment with Dr Lynette
I took a deep breath before continuing. God this was intense.
2pm - lunch
3pm - private meeting with Andreas and Zak
Wait what?!
I had no idea that was booked.

The schedule ended after there which made me even more nervous, if it was bad news they wouldn't have something booked after cause it would affect me. Right?

A message from lando broke me out of my trance.
LN: "big day for you too?"
YN: "massive!"
LN: "and all jam packed in the morning, what's up after lunch?"
YN: "a meeting with zak and Andreas :/"
LN: "SINCE WHEN?"
YN: "NOW! I didn't know..."
I watched the three bubbles for a long time before lando finally responded.
LN: "don't stress, I'm sure it will be fine, sleep tight, love you."
That response took him two minutes?!
YN: "love you too gnite x"
He had me quite nervous, purely because I knew he was downplaying this meeting tommorow.
—————————

I had to remind myself to breathe as I dropped into the ice bath. My body went numb in under a second, teeth chattering. I closed my eyes, embracing the pain.
LN: "oof I missed you getting in again!"
I watched him immerse himself with ease.
My jaw was locked, all I could manage was to poke out the middle finger above the surface of the water.
This wasn't even the worse part, it gets worse when we move to the hot water which is jarring as anything, and then back to cold, then hot and back again. And again.
As we moved across I finally gained back mobility.
YN: "get my mind off it." It was spat out as the heat grew.
LN: "okay...uhmmmmm the meeting today how are we feeling about it?"
I groaned.
YN: "a nervous fucking train wreck."
LN: "that's the way." He rang sarcastically.
YN: "I mean I have no clue what it could be about, I haven't even had the chance to speak to char about what it could be about."
LN: "wager a guess?"
YN: "erm performance... oh my god what if it's about Jess!"
He squinted, thinking about it. As we moved back over he spoke out.
LN: "yeah you should probably prepare some responses."
YN: "fuck."
LN: "cmon let's pretend...what was the argument about?"
I nodded to play along.
YN: "I missed a meeting, I have been pushing too hard and exhausted and I was out of line."
LN: "and you've apologized...?"
YN: "oh my god no I haven't yet!"
LN: "it's alright you can talk to her at the PR meeting."
I nodded.
I spent my massage thinking about how I was going to apologize to Jess, for being an uptight crazy girlfriend.
——————————

I was first to the meeting, my muscles weren't too sore so easy to work through.
Jess was thankfully the first to walk through, a pile of coffees in her hand.
She offered one to me in silence which I met with a kind smile.
YN: "hey about the weekend-"
JH: "no don't worry I thought it was funny!"
YN: "I honestly have felt sick since then I cannot believe how I behaved!"
JH: "believe it or not I have been there so many times before."
I raised my eyebrows. She truly was amazing.
YN: "your being super cool. Thank you. And sorry again."
CS: "starting the meeting without me?"
She checked her watch and furrowed her brows.
CS: "I'm early!"
JH: "I wanted to catch yn so we could talk."
CS: "ahh understood."
We sat and chat before lando arrived a few minutes late to the meeting. Running in with tape stretching over his shoulders down the side of his neck. I followed the lines, my imagination filling in how it moved down..
CS: "so. I did want to talk about the weekend..."
I looked down at the table still embarrassed.
CS: "I don't care what it was about but it can't happen again like that, we were lucky to avoid video footage, just rumors which have been damped."
YN: "again that was my fault it won't happen again."
CS: "perfect. Jess do you want to talk about the next point?"
JH: "press conferences." She looked over to me. The meeting might have well just been with me.
————————-

I was a little sour when on the sims, lando sensed it and left me alone for the most part. That entire meeting felt like a dig at me, which was deserving but it still sucked.

As we walked to the team meeting where we would discuss strategy and such, he was silent waiting to see if I would start a conversation, but all I could think about now was the trouble I could be getting in at this executive meeting.

Sensing this, he simply grabbed my hand and interlaced his fingers. Rubbing his thumb, soothing me in to steady breaths. Before we opened the doors to the meeting room I stopped sharply.
LN: "all good?"
I kissed him on the cheek, showing gratitude for him. I should probably start doing it more seeing as I might not even have a seat here next year.

——————————

The meeting was full on. It started with char talking about the special events planned and the launch of the livery. We were planning a video to showcase it all that would be shot tomorrow and she wanted to include the whole team at one stage. It was going to be a mammoth job. As the livery was plastered on the big screen there was cooing and cheers all around. It looked fucking hot.
LN: "hey they used some of your design!"
I smiled softly. Maybe if I couldn't drive any more I could be of use elsewhere.

Andreas then got up and talked about our goals for silverstone. I followed his eyes to see if he would look at me, trying to gauge what this meeting could be about, but he never once looked at me.

I skipped breakfeast, feeling too sick to stomach anything. I anxiously sat by the water at the MTC, swinging my legs over the ledge. I thought about when I first got here, how the water calmed me down. And for the first time I genuinely wished I could start over. Do better, not cause drama. Still have a seat.